To all the Boys I've Loved Before - Albert Hammond-Celly

This was one song my mom used to frown at whenever my dad sang it over at our home Karaoke system donkey years back.


To All the Girls I've Loved Before -by Albert Hammond (click for lyrics)


Ah... Now I remember how the song went. Kinda lovely actually.
However, the words... tsk tsk..
Mr Hammond needs spanking.


Now, for all the boys I've loved before, who still have space in my heart, somewhere. Some has occupied bigger portion than others. Thanks to those who hurt me, Very sorry to those whom I hurt. The former much more than the latter anyway.

This entry is dedicated to those who dare to love, who dare to endure pain, who dare to pick themselves up, dust themselves and love again.

It's also dedicated to of course, the boys, the men I've loved before.

Love itself, is a mystery, a phenomenon, an entrapment, yet to some, the ticket to freedom.
Love can have so many forms, so many faces, so many sides, so many shadows and so many meanings.
Some says love does not love forever, some proclaims theirs do.

But to me, love is almosttt undescribable, almost a delusion.. an illusion.......

Love is when you adore someone's good points and accept his bad points.
Love is when you would do anything in this world to keep that person happy.
Love is when your life starts to revolve around that person.
Love is when you start to lose your mind.
Love is when rational is irrational, when non sense is sense.
Love is when you feel it. You'd just know.



To Kenny,

You were my first love. And they say that first love is the purest and truest. I can't dispute that, especially when I had it with you. We lasted longer than we ever thought we would, didn't we? 6 years was a bloody long time.

There are just endless things that I love about you.
I love how you were so shy to even talk to me when we first met, at Lower School,Concord College, we were only just 16. I love how you called me 'Xiao Bu Dian' because I'm so short and petite. I love how you would do the most crass things to me and laugh it off, including farting in my face when I was sleeping. I love how would let me hug you tight-tight for 5 minutes before we sleep each night. I love how you act cute and repeat every word twice, eat-eat, eggy-eggy, =). I love how you referred to me as your 'ma tzi' to your fellow Taiwanese. I love how you look up to me and adore me in so many ways. I love how you would withstand my tantrums and incomprehensible patterns. I love how you always remind me how cute and adorable I am eventhough at one time, I was 63 kg!
I love how you really, really love me the way I am. I love you for letting me be me and never let me change a thing.
I love how you adore my loud voice and my hyena shrieks and laughter.
I love how you could help me release the innerside of me, the side that died away, the side that was waiting to emerge all along. I love how you wouldn't mind me any other freaking way, with pimples, with tummy, with glasses, with rashes, with ear-spoiling loudness.
I love how you would bathe me in cold water whenever I get very bad rashes.
I love you for standing up for me and my dignity and got into a fight that resulted in a big piece of glass window to break on your skull. I love how you tried to learn Indonesian and then said those words to me, my favourites are of course, 'Malam Sayang", while yours is probably "bego!". I love how only you would understand my every Chinese sentence, especially when noone else can understand. I love you for knowing me so, so well. I love how we say the same things at the same times many times. I love you for being so damn down-to-earth, simple, humble and civilised.
I love you for being so fyucking good looking (*drool*) for looking like Takeshi + Tony Leung, for having 8 pecs, for having the sexiest pelvic muscles ever, for being so drool-worthy on the basketball court, for being MVP at each game, for getting offer to play for England's National Junior Team, and for still being so humble about it all. I love you for being so generous and so willing to spend so much of your pocket money to give me surprise presents, which you really didn't have to. I love you for being so thoughtful and caring, eventhough you overslept my dentist and doctor appointments. I love you for watching the World Cup 2002 with me eventhough we still had that never-ending dispute about how football is boring, basketball is not and vice versa. I love you for running back to me each time we bumped into a huge hurdle, which we faced once too many times in that 6 years. I love you for being so easy to live with, so patient and so sociable, all my friends love you. I love you for being so funny and witty, unafraid to look super stupid to make others laugh, you were always the centre of the crowd, everybody loves Kenny. I love you for being just so damn likeable. I love you for not being able to cook, (darling, your veggies everytime stir-fry until disintegrate already). I love you for giving me the humongous bear bear that could hardly fit my embrace for my 17th Birthday. I love you gave me a ring for my 20th birthday and you were so shy about it that you put it in one huge plastic bag and passed it to me without even looking at me. I love you for wanting to marry me, for wanting me to have your all-boy team for kids. I love you for proposing in 2003 and I still love you eventhough you broke the engagement a month later. I love how we hardly get into any fight cause we are both just so easy-going. I really miss living with you sometimes.
I love how you would always talk about me to your friends with chest swelling with pride, thank you darling. I am very proud of you too. You will be a doctor soon, be a good one okay? I love how you always tell me and remind of how 'perfect' I am. I am glad that at least, to you, I am perfect. I love how you still think so, until now.

I love how you forgave ne, I love how you raced and won me back after I faltered and stepped away. I love you could just love me again and again, more and more.
I love how we went camping up the hill in TaiChung and everything turned upside down, where we camped next to the bustling road and the stray dog took our bbq meat away. I love how you would remember exactly what I like to eat and drink and take the liberty to buy them for me before I even asked for it. You still remember I like yam and dan bing? The memories of us are endless, we agreed about that last week didn't we? Our foolish, younger days...

I will never forget them. You gave me the best days of my life. My growing up days. Priceless. I will always love you and I hope you are happy always.


Though sometimes, I do wish that you were more driven as a person, more responsible, with a more directed function in life, rather than spending your days with not much aim nowadays. I wish you were more loyal too. =) But you told me you're a changed man now, so.. I am happy for you and Connie. And please stop comparing me to your new girlfriend (s), it would upset them!


If anyone asked again (Clement asked once), " Wouldn't you want somebody to love you just the way you are?"

I guess I would answer , " Yes, Kenny once loved me exactly that way, I was how blessed"

My friends still think that we will end up together again one day, but seems like fate hasn't been on our side for the longest time. So, =).




To Kenneth,

I have now met a man who could treat their girlfriend like a business entity. An investment. I know you told me you loved me, eventhough in the end, you decided to re-mortgage the love and pay in installments!

Your New Year wish 03/04 was for me to be your wife and I had sad, "Done".
You wanted to marry me, no doubt. But, darling, you wanted a trophy wife. I am not sure you ever really loved me. You were the most MCP boyfriend I've ever had, you were a little too controlling and dominating.

But I did love you. I love you for being reliable and generous. I love you for trying to open up your frozen heart to love me and warm up to me. I know you've beens single and loving it the previous 2 years. I love you for taking me across the NSW plains with your baby Honda CBR600, although racing bikes are hardly meant for passengers, my knees cramped =). I love how you just know so many things about so many bloody things. I love how your friends lovingly call you 'Heng Tai". I love how you are such a man-man. I love how you are a HongKie yet a Singaporean, yet an Australian. I love how you love your mom, though I know you're too cold blooded to show sometimes. I know I called you cold blooded reptile last time, I still think so!
I love you for knowing me so well and trying to change my bad habits, including , my untidiness, sloppiness, half-fyuck-half-fyuck attitude and clumsiness. I love you for letting me be the good wiefy at home and serve you like a king. I am sorry about the green laundry and the melted pans though =).

I love it when ,at one time, you came home from work, found the apartment filled with smokes from the oven and grill coz I was grilling satays, but all you said as you closed the door, ever so calmly, was "Honey, you didn't call the fireman ah?" and then you'd kiss me , "So, what did you burn today?"

I love you for dressing me up like a doll, though I hate it when you dissed my dress sense and threw away my Guess Boots! I love you for generously spending on me, not because I wanted them, but because at that time, I could not afford such luxuries to have the lifestyle you wanted to experience with me. I love you for being so smart and driven, so sturdy and confident, though nearing cocky. I love you for being such an amazing lover.

However, I wish you could be less controlling, less of a dictator, more of a caring friend. I wish you would listen to my problems and instead of scolding me, speak to me sweet nothings to soothe the pains. But knowing you, these words are just not in your dictionary!
I wish you would treat me less of a business entity, where I would be an asset when you have become that big-shot business man and need a pretty, sophisticated, smart, capable wife to host your company parties and entertain your business partners.
I am sorry I gave up and I am even sorrier that you wouldn't forgive me until now.
If I were given a chance to turn back time, I think I'd give myself more time and less ultimatum. Sometimes, I still regret not giving us more time.


To Gary,

The craziest love of my life. My dear dear Captain Scary.
Haha.. I don't even know where to start. Loving you was like swimming against the currents, running against the typhoon.
All my friends have graded you F, they have all disapproved. They have all disagreed with me. But I kept going and pushing myself, til the furthest I could. I waited and fought but in the end, we still failed. However, I know that behind that crude, fierce, raw facade of yours, lies a kind heart. Sadly, it must have been marred with scratches and wounds of the past. I wish you would stop looking at life with such bitter, ice-cold eyes now.

Nevertheless, I love you. Heaven knows how much, because I think I stood the most SHITS from you. Heh Heh. You've fed me with wayyy too much shits. I stood your funky mood swings, your rudeness, your selfishness, your DEAD days!, you crazy nights! , your stuphors, your malices, your scandals, your funny fetishes!!!
Sigh..
Even Jason thought that we were perfect for each other cause we are both psychos! Haha..

But still I thought I love you. I thought we connect so well, when you're in a connectable mood of course. I love how we could come up with the most ridiculous witty conversations.
How we would do the stupidest things together, including buying a banana from 7-11 at 4 in the morning and aimed it at the karang gurni man, the construction men and the newspaper man on the road. I love how you pushed me down the slope with a trolley, how we fought with boxing gloves. I love how you would dig my nose and tell me to pawn the shit. I love you would scratch my soles and draw on it. I love how you draw 6 pecs on my tummy. I love how you used to call every day at work for a few hours. I love you for sending the cutest messages which I wouldn't have imagined coming from you, like calling me princess, who would have thought? I love you for being so crass, so crude, so non-chalant about every single damn thing. I love you for being so roaringly funny, for coming up with the sweetest surprises, like those lunches you brought me, I know driving from Sembawang to Boon Lay is no short trip.
I love how you giggle when I giggle, and then kiss my forehead so lovingly. I love how you always say that I am so full of nonsense, with that irresistible grin. I love you would put your arms around my neck and my head could hardly reach your chin.
Then when I go :"I'm so short..", you would go.."I likee.."
I love how you would cook me supper, breakfast and lunches, you have yet to cook me dinner! I love your bacon-asparagus rolls for my New Year BBQ, all my friends loved it. I love you for being one amazing cook. Where's my sambal ikan bilis you promised til now! Also, thank you for helping me move the dining table from Chinatown last weekend, I know it was a bitch. I didn't expect you to be so nice after the storms calmed. *sigh*

But, I do wish that you were more dependable, reliable and civilised. I wished you could be more responsible and sane. I wish you would be more considerate and less moody too (oh Heavens, please..). I wish you could be more courteous and reply more SMS-es!! I thought I could guide you to more happiness, more colours in your life, tidy it up a bit, help you save money, get your sanity back, get you calmed and settled, get you to appreciate life itself again, turn you into less of an egoistical arsewipe, get you off so many horrible habits and social behaviour tendencies. I tried darling, but I think I give up lah. I think. I just don't know why fate keeps making us cross path, making us dance the moments.

Almost forgot, thank you for my Eee-pod, Bb. I know you painted someone's house for 2 days to buy it for me.

Ah, til then.



To Clement,

You are my Mr Perfect. You are. There is hardly anything about you I wish I could change. Though I wish I could turn back time and undo the wrongs I could right. You would one day make someone a very, very, very lucky woman.

I love you for being a man who would honour his every word, a man who wouldn't make empty promises. A gentleman. I love you for being so honest. Ah. Contradictions here, you are honest and real and yet, I love you for saying the right things at the right time. You are mostly politically correct. haha.. in other words, white liar sometimes. Nevertheless, I love you for being so reliable, so responsible, so caring, so warm. I love you buying food for my mom and brother when I had no time to do it cause I was busy with my musical, though you really didn't have to buy so much and so expensive! Thank you. I love you for being so civilised to the people around me, including my brother and took him for supper. I love you for doing all the little things that calls for responsibility. I love you for taking me to that lavish dinner at the Oriental with you parents, brother and his girlfriend. I love you for being just the most civilised, responsible, courteous boyfriend ever.

I love you for having the biggest heart ever!! , for being so considerate, for being so real, so level-headed, so pragmatic, for being a realist, I can't forget your words, "I don't think life is ugly, I just don't think it's that beautiful". If only I were just given the chance to show you that it is beautiful...

I love you for being so articulate, so smart, so intelligent, so knowledgable, so musical, so refined. I love for being witty and for putting grins and giggles on my face every now and then. I love how you care for the needy ones, I love how you dream to retire soon, and concentrate on music and charity. I love how you work so hard for your money eventhough you are born with a silver plate. I love it how you are so generous to me, despite what your friends told me about you, that you were a miser =).I love you for being just so correct, so noble. I love you for being so humble, so down-to-earth. I love you for making all my friends love you. Who wouldn't? I love you for taking me to musicals. I love you for taking me to dinners, lunches. I love how I can talk to you about my problems and you would patiently listen. I love how you were still so keen to see me eventhough I was once in a bad mood.

I love you for hugging me tight to sleep. I love you for waking up whenever I suddenly stirred and woke up in the middle of the night, I love how you would then spoon me again to sleep and tell me how much you love me and how everything will be just fine. I love how you would kiss my forehead. I love how you would kiss my palm and tell me :"You know that I love you a lot, don't you?". I love how you keep telling me again and again how lovely, beautiful and wonderful I am. You have no idea how much in love I was with you, I'd drop 3 bestfriends at Zouk to spend time with you.

I love you for being such a deep thinker, how you think far, though I think sometimes you escalate the mole into a mountain, or maybe it's just me.

I love it when you pluck those guitar strings and serenade me with your husky, sexy voice. I love it how we can work on a song and sing a duet. I love it how we have a common passion in music.

I love how we could generate our own cutesy language, you did say that within 2 months, we could write a dictionary of our own language. I love how you are so sensitive towards me, I love how you try to make efforts to be my ideal boyfriend.
I love how you would wake up in the morning and smile upon me. Your hugs and kisses are the warmest. I love how you would still watch some World Cup games with me eventhough you told me you were not a fan. I love how you would let me be just the way I am.

Sometimes, it still pains me that I'm not the one.

Because that one girl, whoever she is, if you do decide to marry her one day, will get herself the best husband in the entire world.

She will be how lucky. =)


I am a little sad that we could no longer do the things we planned to do. Including our trip to KL, to Jakarta, to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, to do the Quando duet, to go to East Coast and eat.. to go to Brazil Curascharia, to go to your cousin's wine bar....

...

...





I am gonna tear liao...



So, question is...

Who do you think I love the most?

And if I do get the chance to go back with one of them,
provided they love me back fully,
which one should I go for?



=)




Hmmm......