My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Cigarettes and Boys are Hell-sent

My mom has been here for about a week now. She came here to live with me, for the first time in 13 years and for the rest of my life if we both can help it.

It's been a rollercoaster ride. I was ecstatic yet nervous.
Mostly of the changes that are bound to hit my plate.
The moment she touched down, she already stopped me from buying 3 miserly cans of DUTY FREE Tiger Beer.

Mom was like a bull in China shop: "Who is it for??"

Me, defensive liar: "For Sham lah.."

Mom didnt believe: "Really ah. you cannot drink ah!!"

Me retaliating: "Wah lauuu leh.. one can of beer each won't die what..,"

Mom persisting: "Don't care.. give Sham ok! AWAS YAH!!!"

Wahlau we... Shiong! I foresee quarrels already... Jia lat.
I am going to live with a commander not a mother from now on.
She then forbade me from doing lots of other things, like staying over friend's house lah, going out at night lah, drinking beer lah.. and uh.. smoking. She even forced me to eat oranges in the morning when I was like sleepingggggggggggg...

First day, we quarrelled oredi.. me VS mom& bro. They put it across such that my life is fyucked up and I am the scum of the earth. She told me that she came to Singapore not to be with me. BUT TO SAVE ME!!!! WTF!! I need saving? Salvation ah? What's wrong with me?? I have to be crucified? I have to live in monastery?? After which then I stormed out of the house and didn't come home. Bad daughter. My bad. But she can't give me a massive culture shock like that lah. No one has told me what to do for more than half my life. She forgot I'm 25 ah! I am not 15 eh..And again, what's wrong with me? I am not some unemployed, unwanted, broke, kicked-out of school, drug-addict who's a parasite to the community what.

I just like to club sometimes. What's wrong with that?

She stepped into my room and sniffed around:

"YOU SMOKE AH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sheepishly I spoke up, " Everyone in the house smoke, the whole world smoke, why you worry?"

"You know it's poison.. why you want to put inside your body???Why so stupid?"

Good point mom, I think I learnt that in secondary 1.
Anyway, I've made it a point to cut down on my smokes and not let my mom see me puff or smell any trace of cigarette. SO, yes, by default, I have cut down, hopefully finally I can quit too. It's getting bloody expensive. Crrrement hates cigarette smell too. Wait a minute, why am I talking about him again?
Anyway, I've decided to follow my heart and love sincerely, no matter what the outcome would be. It's stressful I tell you, but it's my decision. So, yes we're back together, at least for now. At least I am less misreable this way. I don't know and don't want to know what it'll be like in a week or month or year. But I know this is what I chose for now. I can't just stop loving someone, just because my brain and all logical entities tell me it's wrong. I am not a robot. On the other hand, I am a melancholic sentimentalist who gets jealous and insecure so freaking easily and yes, I am wailing again, this is disgusting.

Anyway, back to smoking. Smoking is bad. Sial lah... I also know.
I also want to quit. But it's hard lah. If you're a smoker, you'd understand. They're like my little tokens of joy nowadays, pathetic I know.

I know it's freaking bad, smeeererrrryyyyy and uncool too. So, yeah lah. Give me time.

Now, I can do away with 2 packs in a week, rather than one pack in 2 days, as per normal.

Don't count in clubbing or drinking days though. Those are exceptions.
Shit, I don't know if I can ever quit totally, I feel like smoking as I type, right now, my veins are playing tricks on me. I get this ticklish sensations down the chest and stomach, like they're calling out for nicotine...and tar and...smelly smokes...

These stupid cravings, I hate it. I feel like my life is dependent on those stupid sticks to attain packets of pathetic, superficial, temporaryhappiness.


They have invaded my life. Like boys.


To sum it all.......

Two things have successfully invaded my life : Boys and Fags.

I am officially pathetic. It's sad to think that these are the only two things that can make me happy. It's disgusting.

I should look and think again. I have so many things to be happy about. What was I thinking?

I can sing and dance to make myself happy. And of course my mom, my brother, my babes, my cool friends. They make me happy too. What was I thinking?

World Cup makes me happy too!!!!!!

Although yesterday I walked out the Korea-Togo game halfway, swearing all sorts of Indon-Hokkian-Chinese-English-Godknowswhatelse profanities.

Broodyy Heoww--Shibaa-KNN-DiuLaseng-Mencrettttttt

I lost a bet. Broody hell.. Why the Africans score so fast. They are supposed to score in second half. Fyuck.

I shall prep myself for England -Trinidad&Tobago this Friday. They better not let me down.
I need money sial. So I can quit working and be a meditating hermit for a few months, regain some senses , some brains, some sanity....some equanimity.. tranquility.... *yawn*

NOw I got a 1000 things to settle, new house, furnitures, mom's documents, visit pass, tenants, transfer of address... blah blah.. money... more money..more spending..more spending..... argh...

On top of that, I feel like jabbing a sharpened scissor down my neck every now and then.





No lah.


I am such a Drama Queen.

Heh heh.


Anyway, kinda looking forward to having a nice lovely home from now on. With mom around everyday and brother around every now and then. I will get to live the part of my life that's been missing for more than half my life:


I have been living on my own, and haven't lived with my family for more than 13 years. That's sad yo! My house will be neater as well and food.. yeah.. glorious mom's cooking. I am gonna be fattttt...

My life will at least be more sorted. There will be more regularity and sanity.

No, no. It won't be boring.
Mom actually sipped my tiger beer and dessert wine the other day. Shhhh.. maybe she will be haspening too. I can be an evilangelist! Kekek.. argh.. wishful thinking.

Actually I don't think it'll be bad at all lah.
I will still have my fun, but I won't be so berserkish anymore.
I will puff much less, drink much less and do more happy-sober stuff.

Like... accompany her knitting. Or make noodles.

In fact, Crement may want to go rollerblading with me. Now, I need to win Friday match so I can get a new pair. =) Ah one more thing, I think it's time to stop talking so much about him sial. It's disgustin everyone and the more I dwell in all these, the more I amplify the sensations impacted, the sadder I get once shit hits the fan. Again.

I was thinking of summarizing the stories of the different types of boyfriends I came accross and their antiques. Interesting you know. Case of the ex-es. I shall write the essay.

Damn you guys out there!


Don't worry, we will still love you.


*Smile so much for fyuck*



Maybe, I do need saving... *sigh..*


At 4:40 PM, Blogger Chris gently snorted that...

say TAK NAK to smoking...n can teach me some indon swear word ar?

At 5:09 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

Wah. wat swear word. i dunno i dunno... =)

At 5:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

hope it last....

by getting pregnant? If not then get over it quickly.


At 8:14 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

diggo:: WHAT?? No and No. Heh. Wah lau.. ur way is high way or the high way..

At 1:20 PM, Anonymous mkmk gently snorted that...

Well someone already died 2 millenia ago to save you, and best of all it's free! Anyway looks like u can add beting to boys and fags. TIP: most effective way to quite fags is to stop altogether. Cutting down only is "qi pian zi ji"

At 1:30 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

mkmk: wah. deep talking.
anyway, betting ? not that much lah. can do without. really! and to go cold turkey is.. hmm.. righte now is like cutting off my balls if i had some. how how

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Vandalin gently snorted that...

Wah low... even married also can divorce. Just chiong lah.

Whatever happens will happen. While I'm in it, I'll do me best to keep in.

But hey, if really cannot make it. Fark it, and bring me the nearest whiskey bottle.

That is my way of dealing with relationships. At least.

At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

Spray lotsa GLADE + perfume in every room. that'll mask even the nastiest stench.

At 3:12 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

vandalin; wah u talk like damn wise leh ed! not saying u not wise lah. but.. nvm, i ask michelle

anonymous: i think she'll faint before she can sniff anything. also cann lah

At 8:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

Organized is damn right.... har har and better get used to her naggs... and her untimely wails of life related complains... > .< something me and koko got accustomed to somehow, and be sure to nod everytime she gives you advice, i know you heard about it before, but just be patient, she gets over those "recorded" advices quite quickly.... , now mom's in your care, better shapen up for her sake.. and yours ^ . ^

There's lots of fun things to do outside those Grey areas of life you know??? and erm... direct your addiction on ciggies with games!! YAY, its way healthier, though socially its a poison -__-" i guess that's something you can't risk right??

HEHE, BTW COnGRATS ON YOUR PLaYY!!!!! I was overjoyed to hear that... hope you get a movie contract soon, then can bring home mullahs ^0^ ekekekeke.....

Hope you guys do the best you guys could over there horrr... miss mom oready > . <

-Ur liddle brudder.... who's bored to kingdom come

At 8:41 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

my darling baby brother: we miss you very much here in singapore.
I was reading your friendster blog the other day.. saying about how sad dad looks nowadays.. how he seems to miss the days when evetrything's good.. when theres food on the table and his daughter doesnt blow up on the credit card bills..

very accurate, touching accounts of your everyday life with daddy.
I miss him quite a bit.

YEah.. you know mom lah.. everythin i complain about she will say two things only:

"If sick or unwell- drink melilea and drink pee.

"If upset or angry- meditate and be aware of sensation.."

So.. when she upset or sick.. i say back the same things lah.. heuheuhue

she can record her advice i also can record and replay.

I am looking forward to seeing you soon in july. i wished you would stay with us., the new house will be big and spacious..

i hope you are well back home. i miss you!!!

muac muaxx.. much love.. and this weekend is Father's Day..
I suppose none of us will be wishing dad that. Though maybe we should. You know I still love him very very much. wealthy or not.

About directing my smokes crave for games.. i am not sure i got time for games.. i might get addicted.. but suggest me some games lah..

hehe. ok ok.. comment too long oredi.. will read your blog again soon. pls write happier stuff next time.. i am always close to tears whenever i read your entries.

muax again,


At 9:33 AM, Blogger Vandalin gently snorted that...


At 4:02 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

vandalin: ed.. dun ke ke!!

At 7:11 AM, Anonymous Smoke gently snorted that...

Drugs are just bad, you should try to use Herbal Alternatives as a temporary replacement to loose the dependance!

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