Karma Karma Karma Karmelllleonnn

Karma rules our lives.

KNS.

Sometimes these Karma Rules are annoying. WHen they're not on our side, that is.

I know this much. Everything happens for reason and everything I do will result in a consequences. The wheel of karma spins mercilessly. Noone is spared. Ya hear that??


So, this is exactly what happened the past half year and more.


The Great Fortune teller told me. ( As well as all my friends, mother and brothers):

" LEAVE YOUR BOYFRIEND (Captain Scary)! HE's Fyucked UP to the 9!!!!!!!!!"

He is one bad egg and if you do stay with him, you won't be happy and one day, he might end up to be something like your dad" *shudders*

Uhhh.. !!!

I didn't get it.

I loved that stupid boyfriend so much. Why must leave him? I know he drinks stout like a fish, saves absolutely no money in the piggy bank, spends as he likes, prepares to die anyday, the flirtiest, most disloyal and most unreliable person ever and he is one of the rudest people when in a bad mood and the most egoistical, inconsiderate person at times. But I loved him! All these didn't matter.

I overlooked the fact that he made me worried, sad and miserable more often than he made me happy. But silly girl of course crossed her fingers and hoped that he will come to his senses soon. This nightmare will be over and it will be happy-ever-after.


That was me, Captain Scary and my undying love for him.


Ah stupid stories.

Stupid girl. Won't you say?

I have never graduated from the "USE-YOUR-BLAIN University"

So, there finally came a time when I made up my mind. For my own good, for my future's sake, for my mom's sake and for every-freakin-body's sake. No more Captain Scary. Go get Captain Nice, get married and have many many kids.

Jac started to kinda lock me up at home so that I won't see Captain Scary, I'd switch off my phone and I'd wait til he goes far away. I really DID DID DID try to stay away okay!! I was determined to stay clear!

I don't know why before that we just kept crossing paths!! BLoody Destiny?!!


Earlier this year, I imagined that maybe he'll go away someplace far soon. I knew he was leaving for Taiwan. So maybe that could be it.
So, I imagined that he would go to Taiwan, before that we would be out of touch already. He would see my sign and stay clear too. We would thus drift apart and he would be out of my life. For good. And my path of destiny would divert back to the correct lane and I would get what I truly deserve. While he is gone. I would thus be a good girl and meet someone really nice. Someone I deserve, someone ought to be mine. Mr Right.

I recall, the fortune teller also told me :
"If you let go of this monkey, you will find your true prince charming. He will be nice, loving, warm, capable, rich and you will like him very much.. But you must really let this monkey go.."

Sounded like a perfect plan.


So.. I imagined that I would find that Mr Right when he's gone. But somehow, I also predicted that on my Birthday Party itself, which was planned to be on 22nd April, Captain scary would return from over seas, and show up ( I like to keep my daydreams and predictions more realistic, surely life's not all pink clouds and blue sky). Somehow this just crossed my mind, like a thick, yellow streak on a black patch. Eventhough I wouldn't be telling him about the party. He would just show up and shock everyone. He would somehow remember about it.

He would then stick around in my life again and make a huge mess out of it.




As it happened.




He did fly away to Taiwan for a few weeks. Before that, I have managed to stay clear. I was doing very well.
At that time, I was about to go to Hong Kong too.

So, after he's gone. I met up with an old friend I used to kinda date a few times. Though nothing came out of it at all.

This old friend matched all the descriptions, he was a really nice guy, he was caring, civilised, warm, generally a really really nice chap.

As a bonus, he was very good looking, smart and funny too.

So, naturally, I fell head over heels and forgot about Captain Scary.
I flew overseas for awhile, refreshed my mind and we got together when I got back in town and it was blissful. I felt so blessed.

He was all I could ask for, smart, good looking, witty, caring, warm, loving, endearing, thoughtful, sensitive, yet not possessive, not patronising, not bossy. We shared passion in music and I thought, my Gosh.. I strike Jackpot!

This is it! He must be prince charming! Finally.......

Eventhough it started out on the wrong foot somehow, it got better and better later on. In no time, I was completely in love. Completely conquered.

It was HOW nice to have, for once, a civilised boyfriend who is a fabulous company and easy on the eye.

Time went by nicely and my birthday party was to be thrown.
It was a Saturday. I just finished my buffet dinner with boyfriend and I left for the party before him. He was to join me after 1 am.


I was donning my red wig in the club's toilet, pretty early in the night.
I was one of the first to arrive.
I openned the toilet door at Rouge and guess who was right outside the door?

Captain Scary! All 6 foot of him, with a green T shirt that looked familiar to me and a grin that used to strike a chord within me.

He saw me and quickly picked me off the ground.

"Happy Birthday Baby!!!"




----




Oh shit!





_________



This is FATE!


You know???




Apparently, he came alone. I was shocked to death. My prediction came true. He just flew back that very morning!! He didn't want to sit with my friends cause he reckoned most of them hated him by now and he probably didnt want to feel awkward, he's not the world's most sociable creature.

But, he didn't leave either. Well, John Molina, the band's singer is his buddy. But John was clearly busy working. Captain was all alone.

I was getting worried. The bugger just stood in one corner with his Guiness bottle and stared in my direction. He stood in the corner for a good few hours. I was sure.

Everytime I checked, he would be looking my way, looking indifferent. Just paying attention, as if he was some kind of body guard watching over me.

I don't know what that was. He is one chap I'd like to put a HUGE "?" mark on.

In case you've lost track, Boyfriend was not there yet.

Captain finally gave up on me (I was too busy with my 20-30 friends who came and I wasn't in love with him anymore, so I wasn't that assed about him). SO he left after a few hours. And just nice, after he left, boyfriend came and everything went back to normal.


After the party, Captain seemed to be bugging my cellphone a lot, up to the wee hours of the night.

It was weird. But of course I had to ignore the calls. Why do guys always want something they cannot have? Or cannot have anymore?

Didn't they see it the last time? Can't they get it??

Why they only see it once it's gone?


Seriously.


That was not a nice thought.


So, more weeks past by and I thought everything would be just great.

But somehow, Captain had to sneak in and out of my life. All the bloody time.


I kept recalling those verses, "Let him go... stay clear.. or else,,, no prince charming.. no Mr Right... Stay clear...."

Having imbedded such an impact in my soul previously, Captain managed to lure me into traps.

One time, he told me he desperately needed my help for something. So I had to see him to help him something ridiculous which he probably lied about, that BASTARD. I just realised he was just making excuses to see me!!!!




One time, he would ask me :"Would you be my girlfriend?"

*Sigh...*

"I was lorr!! Once upon a time!"

I was really not in love with him anymore though I did have a soft spot for him. But, I was in love with my boyfriend. My feelings for Captain were kind of left with only 10%, most of it just emotional attachment and care. I was so so so badly in love with my boyfriend. He was all over my mind and he was #1 any time. Captain had no chance at all!!


But I also didn't know what to say, to not hurt Captain. So, all I could reply was:
"But Can I have many many boyfriends?" I was joking of course. It was a polite way of turning down, I thought.

He got angry, pushed me away, stood up and stormed off.


Another time came and this time, he asked me to move in with him. Telling me how he's started saving up, how he's cut down on booze.. blah blah....


How lah...

A bit late lah, dear.

Too lateeee.........!



---


Things with boyfriend got pretty bad after that. I suppose karma was playing its part. In a sense, I wasn't true to him. I was still in contact with Captain Scary sometimes. eventhough the reason was completely forgivable.


When things between me and boyfriend got really, really bad (to a point where everything he said were like spears aimed at my heart-- mostly because he couldn't love me anymore.. *wail*), I saw Captain occasionally. Like a form of escapism.
Instead of sorting things out after a bad, rough patch, I'd cry, run to Captain and 'punish' my boyfriend such that it will be easier for me to forgive him next time.



It's the most fyucked up analogy ever.


And it was mine.


So, true enough.
Fate took over.



To make things worse.

My mom came over to live.


I was finally given the chance to be a good daughter, to be a daughter I never was for the past one and half decade or so. It was a really nice opportunity to make up for loss time and all that.


Instead, I blew it. BIG TIME.


I made her upset. I was angry when she told me I needed Saving, that my life was screwed up. My pride was hurt. I rebelled and we fought and we fought. I even ran away from home. I made her very very upset.

That's it.

Karmameter dropped to zero already. No chance for me.


I screwed up. I am one evil screwed up jackass.


Finally, the Karma Wheel took action. It had to take the perfect boyfriend away from me. He had to stop loving me completely and I had to be upset for a week or so and cry many, many nights. I had to walk down alone again.

So, there went Mr Right. He came and went in front of my very eyes. It was mostly my fault. He was what perfection would mean to me. What a perfect boyfriend would be to me. But it's quite sad if the person doesn't think anywhere likewise in the end.

I spoiled my own destiny by doing the wrong things. Upsetting the people who loved me. Doing incorrect things. Being a nasty, selfish jackass. Being untrue. Being a liar. Being a jackass.



That's it.



I've been punished.


Now I'm mending my ways, paying my dues.
Gobbling down all the punishment.


The morale of the story is:


"Never screw things up, no matter how tiny or insignificant it may be or it may seem, cause it may really alter the rest of your life course, and for the worse. Always sort your priorities right and remember them. Mother comes first. People who loved you, whom you loved, who are truly dear to you, come first. Be more self-less and you'll go a long way. Don't think of ME ME ME ME ME ME. In truth. There is no such thing as Me, My , mine.... No such thing... All these do not exist. There is no 'I', no ME! no MINE! Stop being so Goddamned selfish!!!! And please... when got problem with your boyfriend, go and freaking sort it out, not run to some other tiger's mouth.. if maybe need to think, take a break, a clean time off, if not, then just fyucking end it. Don't try to find solace in unrightful places, just for your own piece of mind,. so that you can comfort yourself and think... "Hiks.. at least someone else still loves me..." so selfish! It's still about you isn't it? it doesn't solve shit. Stupid girls never grow up. Stupid girls like me will never end up with Mr Right. ... unless I grow up, be peaceful, selfless...nice"



Peace out!



I need to practice what I preach.
Or else, I am just as screwed as I always was.


I really need to take up meditation. I will again soon. I have not gone for a meditation camp for a decade, no wonder so restless, so tense, so directionless, so explosive, so selfish, so jialat!!!

Check out

www.dhamma.org

I am going for a retreat in Australia soon, maybe Sydney.

Best thing about it, it's that it's all free. And the place is beautiful.

I hope I'll find peace there. Happiness shall come from within. Heh.


----





And maybe Mr. Right.





Hur Hur..




So, I'm saying GOOD BYE to these men I loved before.






Here are me and Captain Scary..




Good times gone by.. That was so long ago.. Sigh...
May all the happiness in the world envelope you... *shit.. sounds like he's dying or something*..




Okay lah...





Peace out! For real...