Ultimately, ya strut down alone

What do you think my title means?


He He...



I am single again.


Like AGAIN.
(Boring news isn't it. It'salways about me, boy, no boy, boy, no boy)




Yep, I decided that cutting my whole hand off could be slightly better than chopping the finger off one by one slowly.

And I am cocksure this time I will strut down the aisle of singlehood for sometime.
Not window shopping this time. Boys make me too weak.


I realised that over break-ups, horns start to grow, hell starts to burn, acid tounge starts wagging and you'd realised that your love was very selfish all along.

All I was dying for was attention, loving and caring. I just wanted to do the couple things, dinner, movie, all that and he facilitated that.

I just didn't want to walk down the escalator alone, while watching some couple necking each other on the other side of the escalator.

Things like that.

I just didn't want to be lonely.

Obviously I had to be attracted to him and like his company too, else it's just gross.

So, was it love?

I know I gave a lot. I was dying to give too. I was giving and giving. I was obviously in love. Or in lust, whatever that really was. I am happy when I see him happy, hence I love to make him happy. In fact, I would do anything to please him. I would set aside time for him and I actually put my boyfriend at the top priority list (which was stupid but can't be helped), without exception.

To that certain extent, that was love.

But ultimately, it was all for me. It was all about ME ME ME.

Cause being in love made me feel good, being nice and loving made me feel good. Having responses make me feel good. On top of that,I expected something in return.
I expected on par treatment back, I expected attention and affection. I expected rewards, I would expect so many things. Is that love?

That's selfish.

That's like bribing.

Hell, corruption rules the world.

Right now, I think my ego is more bruised than my heart.

Of course I am sad. That's simply because I have grown an emotional attachment over time and I have to adapt to NOT be emotionally attached anymore. Get over it?
It's easier said than done. It's like parting with your favourite puppy, or your favourite Manolo Blahnik. Like that.

How to not be sad? I have feelings.

Over time, I developed feelings, I developed affection, I developed selfish love.
And it's all to be eradicated as soon as possible. Time heals everything. I just need a few drunken nights. =).

But Ego bruised, that's something else.
It's all about pride. It's not love cause love knows no pride.

Girls would start cursing and swearing at those boys who broke their heart and go :

"It's his loss!! He would never find another one like me! He will fyucking regret! His next girlfriends will all be fat, ugly, stupid, snort like a boar, stink like a skunk, look like a monkey and boring like a sloth"

HELL KNOWTH NO WRATH LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.


What to do?

It's all about EGO, isn't it.

"How can HE not love me?" , "Who does he think he is???" . and stuff like that.

It's shitty and it's selfish.

Love is all a facade.


A SCAM!

Heh.



I cried for 2 hours before I went to sleep last night and it was the first time my mom was physically there for me over a break-up. It was nice.

She kept reminding me :


"Where there's a beginning, there's an end"

"Where there's a meeting, there's a separation"

You should have been ready to part the moment you guys meet.



Indeed.

I cried and wailed and screamed and at the end of it. I felt so blissful. Crying does wonders.

I am still blissful until now and I felt slightly guilty. Idiot huh?


But with my swinging-to-the-extremes-tendency, I might just dive to the down low by sunset.

But, let's hope not. Let's keep Marcelly chirpy. She wants to stay blissful.



Anyway. I have decided to release all these useless anger and bitterness, they only make me tired. It was never anyone's fault to start with. Shit just happens all the time.
It was not my fault and it was definitely not his fault.

So, I am all good.

I am cool , sorted and I am ready to walk my next path.

Watch me if I fall again, okay?





Oh yeah, my photoes.

Me and my kawai haircut =).



Here is me and bro...




More of me and him. We were on the way to Harry's to watch world cup last week.

Words cannot describe how much I miss him, now that he's gone back to Jakarta.



I think I cut my hair to throw away bad luck and to make a drastic change, to show the world that I evolve all the time. Nothing stops me, nothing saddens me.



I look sulky but I was really pouting.



kawaiii nee?


I have some photoes from last week. Since I am all good about singlehood, I can reminisce some pasts and be indifferent.


Clement and me went to Timbre last Saturday.

They were having this Indie night where the local bands play local songs.

There was this band called " The Local Bar Boys" and they were hilarious.
They claimed that they were Singapore's worst band and they were a karaoke band.

Such that, they have huge printed lyrics which stood at the side of the stage.
So that audience can sing along.




Funny? No?


Quite haspening what?

See?



They came to one of their last songs entitled " Caroline is an asshole or something". Maybe it wasn't the title but they were singing that throughout the chorus. Like many many times.

So, people had banners saying exactly that.



This is them.




The lead singer was quite funny. He is behind the lyrics stand. Cannot see properly. He looked, acted, dressed and sounded Jap-Korean to me. But apparently a local.
But they're a very entertaining band, overall.


For old time's sake.

This is me and Clem with our new hairstyles, at Timbre..





I look so chubby. He He..



Before I end, I scalded my calf the other day.






Thanks to Jackie's Chopper's exhaust pipe, which I said HI! to.

She said I am a cow for jumping on the bike like that, so maybe I deserved it.




It's FYUCKING PAINFUL CAN!!!
And it looks like some cao da prata.

But I am always good with withstanding pain. Especially physical pain.
I let my mind be aware of the sensation and stay neutral about it. It's a kind of meditation.

I am just scared that it'll leave a scar. Other than that, just a bit of hassle when showering or wearing skirt lah..



No biggie.



=).. Have a nice weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cause I sure will..!!