My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Ultimately, ya strut down alone

What do you think my title means?

He He...

I am single again.

(Boring news isn't it. It'salways about me, boy, no boy, boy, no boy)

Yep, I decided that cutting my whole hand off could be slightly better than chopping the finger off one by one slowly.

And I am cocksure this time I will strut down the aisle of singlehood for sometime.
Not window shopping this time. Boys make me too weak.

I realised that over break-ups, horns start to grow, hell starts to burn, acid tounge starts wagging and you'd realised that your love was very selfish all along.

All I was dying for was attention, loving and caring. I just wanted to do the couple things, dinner, movie, all that and he facilitated that.

I just didn't want to walk down the escalator alone, while watching some couple necking each other on the other side of the escalator.

Things like that.

I just didn't want to be lonely.

Obviously I had to be attracted to him and like his company too, else it's just gross.

So, was it love?

I know I gave a lot. I was dying to give too. I was giving and giving. I was obviously in love. Or in lust, whatever that really was. I am happy when I see him happy, hence I love to make him happy. In fact, I would do anything to please him. I would set aside time for him and I actually put my boyfriend at the top priority list (which was stupid but can't be helped), without exception.

To that certain extent, that was love.

But ultimately, it was all for me. It was all about ME ME ME.

Cause being in love made me feel good, being nice and loving made me feel good. Having responses make me feel good. On top of that,I expected something in return.
I expected on par treatment back, I expected attention and affection. I expected rewards, I would expect so many things. Is that love?

That's selfish.

That's like bribing.

Hell, corruption rules the world.

Right now, I think my ego is more bruised than my heart.

Of course I am sad. That's simply because I have grown an emotional attachment over time and I have to adapt to NOT be emotionally attached anymore. Get over it?
It's easier said than done. It's like parting with your favourite puppy, or your favourite Manolo Blahnik. Like that.

How to not be sad? I have feelings.

Over time, I developed feelings, I developed affection, I developed selfish love.
And it's all to be eradicated as soon as possible. Time heals everything. I just need a few drunken nights. =).

But Ego bruised, that's something else.
It's all about pride. It's not love cause love knows no pride.

Girls would start cursing and swearing at those boys who broke their heart and go :

"It's his loss!! He would never find another one like me! He will fyucking regret! His next girlfriends will all be fat, ugly, stupid, snort like a boar, stink like a skunk, look like a monkey and boring like a sloth"


What to do?

It's all about EGO, isn't it.

"How can HE not love me?" , "Who does he think he is???" . and stuff like that.

It's shitty and it's selfish.

Love is all a facade.



I cried for 2 hours before I went to sleep last night and it was the first time my mom was physically there for me over a break-up. It was nice.

She kept reminding me :

"Where there's a beginning, there's an end"

"Where there's a meeting, there's a separation"

You should have been ready to part the moment you guys meet.


I cried and wailed and screamed and at the end of it. I felt so blissful. Crying does wonders.

I am still blissful until now and I felt slightly guilty. Idiot huh?

But with my swinging-to-the-extremes-tendency, I might just dive to the down low by sunset.

But, let's hope not. Let's keep Marcelly chirpy. She wants to stay blissful.

Anyway. I have decided to release all these useless anger and bitterness, they only make me tired. It was never anyone's fault to start with. Shit just happens all the time.
It was not my fault and it was definitely not his fault.

So, I am all good.

I am cool , sorted and I am ready to walk my next path.

Watch me if I fall again, okay?

Oh yeah, my photoes.

Me and my kawai haircut =).

Here is me and bro...

More of me and him. We were on the way to Harry's to watch world cup last week.

Words cannot describe how much I miss him, now that he's gone back to Jakarta.

I think I cut my hair to throw away bad luck and to make a drastic change, to show the world that I evolve all the time. Nothing stops me, nothing saddens me.

I look sulky but I was really pouting.

kawaiii nee?

I have some photoes from last week. Since I am all good about singlehood, I can reminisce some pasts and be indifferent.

Clement and me went to Timbre last Saturday.

They were having this Indie night where the local bands play local songs.

There was this band called " The Local Bar Boys" and they were hilarious.
They claimed that they were Singapore's worst band and they were a karaoke band.

Such that, they have huge printed lyrics which stood at the side of the stage.
So that audience can sing along.

Funny? No?

Quite haspening what?


They came to one of their last songs entitled " Caroline is an asshole or something". Maybe it wasn't the title but they were singing that throughout the chorus. Like many many times.

So, people had banners saying exactly that.

This is them.

The lead singer was quite funny. He is behind the lyrics stand. Cannot see properly. He looked, acted, dressed and sounded Jap-Korean to me. But apparently a local.
But they're a very entertaining band, overall.

For old time's sake.

This is me and Clem with our new hairstyles, at Timbre..

I look so chubby. He He..

Before I end, I scalded my calf the other day.

Thanks to Jackie's Chopper's exhaust pipe, which I said HI! to.

She said I am a cow for jumping on the bike like that, so maybe I deserved it.

And it looks like some cao da prata.

But I am always good with withstanding pain. Especially physical pain.
I let my mind be aware of the sensation and stay neutral about it. It's a kind of meditation.

I am just scared that it'll leave a scar. Other than that, just a bit of hassle when showering or wearing skirt lah..

No biggie.

=).. Have a nice weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cause I sure will..!!


At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

you should use franch (or french or something that sounds like it) oil for ur scar. my ex-manager did the exact same thing, and she used the oil to help minimise the burnt scar. she swore by it and was trying to make me a franch/french oil convert.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger Vandalin gently snorted that...

Salsa, Tonight, at Jitterbugs. Onz boh??? I am wearing my damn super duper, ultra power dancing cap!

Cannot make it. I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shoes, to sexy for my wet wet socks.

Oh btw, cute band.

At 5:21 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

anonymous: i din do much to it but covered it.. now its bleeding.. oozing with puss n god knows wat.. it looks like rotten prata now..

vandalin: jitterbugs muz pay larr.. salsa at union sq la

At 5:55 PM, Blogger Doreen gently snorted that...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 5:56 PM, Blogger Doreen gently snorted that...

Good to see you standing up. Take good care ya, especially your scar *ouchy ouch!* By the way, nice haircut! You look much younger with this hair. KAWAI! (~^o^~)

At 6:42 PM, Blogger Alex gently snorted that...

oei, tis time sure wan boh! dun con me of my consolations leh. :P anywayz, know u very strong wan and dunch worry, u will find mr right soon la and he will be better than the last. try looking around the construction area.

At 11:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

take care of that wound. I mean the one on the calf. Burns from exhaust pipes of bikes usually will leave a scar. Better to see a doc and get the wound cleaned.

At 11:45 PM, Anonymous Snake gently snorted that...

Better go see a Doc about that burnt. Sounds like its becoming an infection, not good. If you don't want to have scar to your wound, put clean maggots to it. The critters will eat away the dead flesh & your wound will heal nicely. Sss...:I

As for your other wound, blar, blar, blar.....etc. Sss...;P

At 1:06 AM, Anonymous Jay "sayang sayang" Walk gently snorted that...

Aiyah... dounch worry about the boyfriend lah.

Old one don't go, new one won't come.

At 8:10 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

doreen: thanks u.. -)

alex: why u must bbe so tingy on ur consolation leh??

anonymous: yep ive been seeing the doc.. he said if i didnt go,., maybe need to amputate hjehe

snake: heh eh,, thanks anyway dude..

jay: yah true.. hehe.. cant be greedy huh?

At 11:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

hey I agree that our love turns selfish many times. and we do many thgs in name to make our partner feel gd but in actual fact to make ourselves feel gd. Have been following ur blog for some time and really think you are a different gal. I'm sure someday u will find a guy who truly loves u and cherish u with all his heart. And then we all learn w each failed relationship.

Cheers to us all who are picking things up =)

At 1:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

Humans are selfish by nature. Especially so when we're in relationships. Even a mother's love for her children, selfless to her kids, but maybe selfish to others. Maybe you need to seek a balance here? Like learn to accept that you can be selfish in a relationship but also learn that people essentially love to feel that they are selfishly loved but hates to be controlled by that selfish love? Oxymoron I know it sounds but, I think it's normal and maybe even flattering when people know that they are strongly loved by another person.

Relax sister, learn to enjoy the relationship.

At 1:16 AM, Blogger Gabrielle gently snorted that...

nice hair.
But its not short lah.

At 4:50 AM, Blogger Adrian gently snorted that...

There, there. Remember: beer cures all aches.

At 11:42 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

ok. i just wrote one Goddamned long comment then got deleted... im so peeved liao..


cheers to all who pick things up all the time. Indeed =)

I don't know if my prince will come , only timne will tell.. and time does things mysteriously..

He may be the next person I bumped into on the train or plane.. or bus.. or ...

I don't know. i am excited and very nervous liao.

But I suppose I shd take a break from all these scenes, I m getting too tired. Too knackered,battered, slaughtered. A few more rounds I thought I would be a well trained heartbreaker.

But nope.. A few more rounds and I will become totally non love believer..

I dont know lah.. I am full of contradictions. I can never make up my mind.

everyone is selfish, else they're not human,.true, true..

we just have to try to keep it to the minimum...

i spose.

oh well. but i never learn from each failed relationship. each time i would brush my shoulder, get up and start afresh.. from level 1001 all over again..
i must be on of those detained students.. haha...

So, i should relax,,,, i spose that was how i screwed things up too. i am just so out of touch from civilised relationships..i couldnt relax. each time.. i would be so desperate to make things work so bad...
i would hope and wish and crave for it..cannot relax... would just worry about it all the time.

it's been very very very bumpy for ne after I hurt the last person who loved me. It's Karma, im telling you. And the consequences come THREEFOLDS. I've been told.

So... hit me about 2 or 3 more times and i'll be on my way..

bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!

gabrielle, the back is very short. very layered, like... 7 cm only leh... other than the tail which goes to the shoulder buyt very few strands mah..

i style it with wax. must be short.

it's really shorttt... but i think i kinda like it now..=) was urs this short too??

adrian: especially Erdinger dude!

Cures like magic potion.

In fact,, last Saturday I just cured my chest and tube top with the vomit that comes after beer.




At 11:45 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

sigh.. my grammar all wrong.. detained student for sure..

im fine by the way. yesterday went drinking, with control and dignity and didnt cure anything in the cab.

im on my way

At 2:13 PM, Blogger Adrian gently snorted that...

Ooh, beer is a good cure, babe, but you gotta watch the liver too.

At 9:32 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...


wat liver?

hehehehe... lets go drinkin soon!

At 2:46 PM, Anonymous mo gently snorted that...

You expressed exactly the thought I've been wondering about for ages. About how it's all about oneself even when one is giving. Especially when one is giving. And not just in love. If one gives to the poor or does a good deed, is it for the other person or just to make ourselves feel good? Hmmm

At 10:59 AM, Blogger Shara gently snorted that...

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