My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Interviewers from Hell

Awrite, so I've been to a coupla job interviews.

I had one last Monday for a UK based company. The British bloke was all nice and jovial.
And he seemed to like me, he told me I'd be shortlisted.

However, he did break my attention a few times.
He had this very shiny half bald head.
I kept preening into it, trying to decypher my own reflection.
It was seriously fun and addictive!
Arrrhh.. Siao bo!

Anyway, I figured a few other terrible interviewers you might come across:
(these monsters have yet to come my way)

1. Mister Toktoomuch

If you go for an interview where the interviewer talks, talks, talks the whole goddamn time, showers you with his alkaline mouthly fluids and gives you a bit of stingy space for nods and shakes.
MAN... wouldn't you be wondering.."Heh.. I looking for job or he looking for job?" What the....



Suggested Solution: Take a chance in between his breaths, to say a word or two. Say it fast!
But keep doing it. Say it louder than him too.
IF this doesnt work > Plan B: distract him... like..
by yelling and pointing to behind his back..

"WOIT! Something behind you!!!!!"

As he glances away, start pouring out your academic histories, relevant experiences, blah blah.. say it fast, clearly and loudy.. Dont gif him chan liao!!
If all else fails.. just get up and leave the room. Go get some other jobs la...
Before you leave.. slap his head, if it's a woman.. pull her hair..
There you go.. all angst vented out. Now you're ready for some proper interview elsewhere.

2. Mister Blinkalot

Damn.. you'd be trying so hard to be polite and make eye contacts, when the interviewer looks like he's got a cockroach shit in his cornea. He'd blink at an amazing rate of up to 200 times per minute.
You'd wonder if he was trying to blink the shit out or to look past it,
straight into your cleavage/knuckles/adam's apple/whatever his fetish.


(*Sorry No proper example of Mr Blinkalot
.. I look like a complete fugly Nincompoop doing it*)

Suggested solution: Blink repetitiously,
matching your frequency to his such that at instances when his eyes are closed, so are yours.. And when his eyes are open.. so are yours. Sorted!
This way, you won't even notice he was blinking.
Practise a few times first.. get the hang of his frequency and patterns, and perform!
If you seem to be super pathetic at blinking, take out an eye drop and give the poor sod la horr..
If his stares seem to be targetted at your cleavage/knuckles/lunchbox/etc etc.. you can relax.. you'll probably get the job.
You don't even have to say much.

3. Missus Snappy

She must be some old maid who desires to employ ONLY the young and nubile boys.
Whatever you say, she'd just blardy snap, snap, snap at you.
She may look like a complete hard-up, saggy witch, sound like one, stare at you like one and speak like one.

Annoyed, you might go :" You ask me then I answer what! You were asking rhetorical questions meh? Then why the hell am I here? Why watever I say DONT mean SHIT to you??TOK TO THE WALL LAAAA!!


*Angsty Old Bitch*

Suggested Solution: Old maid probably needs a good screw. Your call completely.

4. Mister Kok-eye

Yeah.. there are people with loose muscles supporting the pupils. Their pupils may start straying to the sides of the eyes at times.
This is not only distracting, it's damn freaky too!
Several deadly consequences include you laughing and giggling uncontrollably and subsequently developing a major migraine.

The silly bugger may look damn KOK.. like this..




Suggested Solution: Look at the NOSE or EYEBROWS. aiyorr..poor thing..
Each time you feel like laughing at him, think of scary movies ok? Sadako might help..

5. Mister Sleazy:

Are you allowed to get so comfortable with your inteviewee such that he can slap you lap, touch your hands, wink and blow kisses? If you get such an interviewer, tell me!
What job were you applying for, man!!!Siao Bo!!!

Suggested Solution: None. Screw yourself for applying for jobs like that.

6. Mister GoldenSilence

Wahahha. This one is a killer. You have the priviledge of blabbering and boasting about yourself.
But you won't know if this bloke is even listening, or EVEN alive.
He doesn't blink, he doesn't nod, he doesnt' say shit, he doesn't do shit.

The asshole may look really bo-chup... like this..





Or.. he may look like he's almost reaching Nirvana..




*Warrr.. I am friggin illuminating siah!!!
( no photoshop I swear!! )
I must meditate more often.. maybe really will get that halo..
Heh.. ok la.. I think it's just my oily face.. Arhh..*

Suggested solution: Refrain from waving at him and asking things like ," Hello Sir, are you with me?? Hello?" Coz it's just sooooo unprofessional.
So, take out your extendable umbrella. Shoot it out at his face. If he still doesn't react, knock his head with it.
If he suddenly gets annoyed, explain clearly that it was a complete accident, but at least now you have his attention. Heh..
If he doesn't respond at all, and still completely oblivious to your graceful presence. DO THIS! THIS IS AWESOME! Take the sheet of examining paper he's holding. Grade yourself A++ for the interview and pass it to the HR people outside.
YAY!!

Pardon my frightening level of lameness.
But hope the tips help..
Just in case some of you start to think that I look fyucking ugly...
I beg to differ...
This is yours truly without fyucked up expressionsss and constricted facial muscles..




*Not too bad la horrr...*


SO hao lian.. but if you're shaking your head...
*take frying pan*.. Siao BO!!!
Argh.. why always frying pan..
Alritey, you know what.. I think I am being punished for blogging too much and neglecting my projects, term papers and revisions.. that's why Blogger is fyucking up on me all the time.. Siao BO!!!!

But heck la... When there's a will , there's a way !!!
(If only I have similar motivations towards my studies) ..Bah...

To everyone having exams in a coupla weeks (like me..):

GAMBATTE!!

To those with no exams:

GO EAT SHIT! I HATE YOU!!

*Hehehe.. no la.. joking.. read my blog dun nid eat shit.. dun read then eat shit.. muahaha.. i am crazy liao.. got propaganda oredi..Siao Bo!!!*

22 Comments:

At 5:32 PM, Blogger J Schnorng gently snorted that...

WAH! BELLY GOOD MISS! I see you've gotten monster interviewers down. When I see monster interviewers, I just turn monster on them instead. Perhaps this is why I never get jobs.

Fyuck.

Regards,
J

Oh yeah, I stole one of your pictures and put it on my blog, where I talk about your blog. Just thought you should know.

 
At 10:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

I like the missus snappy pic best. Looks reeaaally feisty.. and crappy lol! Keep up the posts :)

 
At 12:53 AM, Blogger Vicnan gently snorted that...

Heh. So cute!

 
At 1:55 AM, Anonymous yuz mambo gently snorted that...

Haw haw... u look damn funny actin out as "miss kokeye". Look damn cute. Thanks for the tips on how to identify potential interviewers.

But wat bout those leecherous interviewer. The one tat dont talk but instead ask u to walk, turn, n pose. Marks will be given on your poise. Extra marks given for more provocative poses. So my suggestion is to watch tapes of miss universe pageants n practice lotz.

 
At 2:11 AM, Blogger Gabrielle gently snorted that...

wahaha... so funny.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Jayaxe gently snorted that...

I must applaud you for the effort in taking photos, the ideas in writing and composing all this into a 'Dummy's Guide to Shitty Interviewers'!

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

J, thx for including me in the blogdom chiobu guide 2005.. hahah..

yuz: for dat kinda sleazy job.. i got no comment..

 
At 1:54 PM, Anonymous Jaywalk gently snorted that...

OMG! This is so funny!!

Thanks for a fun read.

You are lucking you didn't kena an interviewer who nodded off during the session.

So embarrassing for the guy where the other 2 members of the panel had to give him a nudge.

But I tell you hor, damn demoralising for the interviewee. Rest of the interview also sian half already.

 
At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

HAHHAHA LOLX

 
At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Mal C gently snorted that...

can check out www.internshipasia.com for some interviewing tips :)

 
At 7:25 PM, Blogger urbanmalebitch gently snorted that...

Haha.... I can identify with some of the interviewers that you had been through. Good read.

 
At 9:26 PM, Anonymous stoolie gently snorted that...

ROFLMAO!

how many pretty ladies out there have your sense of humour?

i was feeling quite depressed today, until i saw ur entry today and the pics. i totally lightened up!

thanks a lot, celle!

 
At 10:31 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

malcolm: thanks for the tips.. hahha.. do they tell you how to handle these geezers/monsters too???

stoolie: ur welcome!! keep reading!!

urbanmalebitch: i emphatise wiv u experience

 
At 10:32 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

malcolm: thanks for the tips.. hahha.. do they tell you how to handle these geezers/monsters too???

stoolie: ur welcome!! keep reading!!

urbanmalebitch: i emphatise wiv u experience

 
At 12:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

u're weirdly funny. :p

 
At 2:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

lol

 
At 5:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

abit of oilon face is good then. makes u shine like halo

 
At 5:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

Your article is very informative and helped me further.

Thanks, David

 
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