Miss Congeniality

I have been inspired!
To be a police woman..
I wanna jump and pounce on some bad guy's back and handcuff him muahaha...
Elbow his ribs, stomp on his toes and fist the groin.. muahaha..

But sadly, thinking that Singapore is such a crime free country, I'll probably end up with
1. checking parking tickets.
2. photocopying
3. donuts errands.. (Prata & teh peng errands in Spore context).

So, before I embark on kicking bad guys' asses,
I either have to turn this country into a crimeful land (which is kinda impossible, thanks to the very righteous society and the very nice me!)
OR migrate to
1. the Bronx, NY (where I'd be the only chink not running a takeaway and be dead in a week)
2. Jakarta (where the cops get 'kopi' money for 'smoothening' 'businesses")
3. JB, KL (where I catch SPore car thieves!(hurray!)
4. London !!! (Where I have to be a crooked cop and moonlight at the Full Monty to survive the ridiculously exorbitant living expenses)

But London sounds fun anyway!

I thought of Amsterdam, but No no!
Amsterdam apparently has one the lowest crime rate on earth.
YES! Trust me!
More than half the townpeople are 'high' for more than half a day, everyday.

Imagine this scenario:

Boss: " Look !!You lazy ass mtf!!! The bugger still hasnt paid back my million! I want you to WIPE his ass off!! RIght NOW!!"

Kaki: " Urr...(half sehh (dead)....)... aye, wull dae it tom' roee er sumthing yee?"

Boss: " It cant wait, you imbicile!"

Kaki: "Urrhh.. (eyes half closed).. tthen jest soddd eff er doe it yerself yeee"

Boss:" Fuck you!! you're fired!"

Kaki:" urhh.. me aint fred thou...(mumble mumble..).Aite den.. ermm.. ye hev morre hash on ye bozz? Diz one's freeken smashin.." (fall off chair..)


SO!... No Amsterdam for me, But yeah! That's about the only place you can light up a splif in fronta copper, no joking dude.. you may get told off, but that's about it! How cool is that?

Where else can you have bongs in the cafes? And I am not talking about stupid shisha.. it's the reall thang baby!

Where else can you get a full shop selling mushrooms and mushrooms only.. and they're not the ginseng shit you get in Chinese sin-seh shops. These ones are wonderfully magical.
Here's a tip though... buy a dried one if you're not enjoying it rightaway.
Coz... a friend of mine (shall remain anonymous) got the fresh mushrooms, and a few days later.. there were mushrooms on the mushrooms... Hiaks!!!!!!!
But I bet that'd be extra lethal... So, if it tickles your fancy.. go ahead and buy the fresh ones and eat the mushrooms on the mushrooms whilst the keeping the original mushroom intact and moist... let it keep reproducing and there you go.. a whole year of supply...(shit I am a genius!)
Some say that these mushrooms are dried cow dungs.. but this is open for debate haha... We eat eggs soaked in horse pee (century eggs) anyway and those kai lan and kang kong plants received cow dungs for their nutrition intake ok.. so.. indirectly... hmmm.. damn..

ANd what about space cakes in the Dutch bakeries!
Ol'rite. apparently, they dont show off the space cakes on their display.
You would have to ask...

Here's a recipe for making a space cake.. but pls dont do it anywhere near the healthy island.

Ingredients:

2-3 blocks of pure hash (get the good stuff, invest a bit k!)
3 free range eggs
400g plain flour
100g brown sugar
2 teaspoons of cinnamon powder
500ml water
raisins.. nuts (*.. giggle..*).. whatever you fancy..

Method:
Melt the hash on a frying pan.. add a bit of water to aid melting..
WARNING:
(PLS PLS turn on your exhaust!!! Open your windows and put a SARS mask on! Else.....)
Mix the rest of the ingredients and batter up with mixer.
Put the brownish hash liquid and mix well.
bake in pre-heated oven.. about 200'C for 1/2-1 hour, depends on your blackness fetish and your patience!!

Ok.. not very recommendable I reckon..
You may try if ONE day you decide to migrate elsewhere and never come back.
Coz, apparently, Singapore has this new technique of checking traces of illegal chemical in your bodies by doing scientific research on your hair and its follicles. This very advanced method can trace back to consumption of 10 years back. SO.. .. yeah.. watch your ass.. dont play play k!

SO, back to being a cop... I wanna work for the FBI sial...
coz I wanna fight the terrorism and most important of all... the aliens..
I may be mixing it up with Sandra Bullock's second Miss Congeniality movie.
But still, being in Spore police force and Miss Spore Universe pageants at the same time... ooh what are the chances... I already piggy-snort like Sandra, if that's of any help...

I thought of something else, in case being a police in S'pore is really so damm chor bo..
I wanna be a PI!!! not a Property Investor, but Private Investigator.
Although I would love to diverse into the former after a few good cases.
I cant find better purpose in life than to track down husbands' infidelities in action!!
And then testify in courts... apparently the going rate is 3K for 15 minutes of court appearance or something like that...You may not even need to go down, a million thanks to advanced technology, you can testify over the phone.

I am actually pretty good at tracking down unfaithful spouses.
Guys are naturally born to be more predictable than the girls. So it's kinda easier to track down than girls cheating on their husbands or money bags. Sorry..

Other than the usual perfume/lipstick/sms/blusher/glitters check on the men.
There are some tips on how to check if he's lying..

Find a very bright and open space to sit and talk to him.
Ensure that you're not more than 1 m away from him and be very attentive to his gestures and answers.
Don't be too gentle and start off slowly.. surprise him with questions.. dont give him time to think.

The moment you're ready, drop the bomb.
If his eyes look to his left.. UH UH! He's lying!!!
If he looks to his right.. he's trying to recollect some memories.. you may then decide to give him the benefit of the doubts.

And drop bombs as if you already KNOW everything,
it's less easy for him to meander his lies through.
Act damn cool too and DONT cry before you've finished beating him up.. muahaha

Some other things to notice are certain habit changes.
Did he have sudden change of style? or schedule? or fetishes? or hobbies?
Did he suddenly buy adidas when he's been a giordano fan?
Did he start putting concealer on his zits?

Another one would be.. when he starts showering you with gifts out of nowhere.
This is his guilty conscience acting. Dont fall for it.. heh..

But oh well.. the lads are such easy easy lays..
Shoooshh.. now that the lads know the secrets, they're gonna be extra careful...
LAds out there! Dont start training your eyes hor!!!!!!!