My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Should there come a day...

I was browsing through the photo albums that my mom brought from Jakarta recently.

In fact, recently, I browsed through it a whole lot, hardcopy photoes still have the ability to tug at one's heart string, slightly more than e-photoes.

I've been reminiscing extensively.

Good old days,

Jolly.. jolly good old days..

You know...

Great happy family, rich nice dad, lovely mom, big house, lots of holidays, lots of expensive eat-outs... lots of laughter....lots of joy...

I miss them a lot. A lot. A LOT.

Sometimes I wonder why God has stopped giving me such good life. But more often than not, I'd remember the answers and I would stop asking.

The very one person missing in those albums is my dad himself.
Seems like mom has taken most of his photoes out and thrown them somewhere. When I found these little photo stickers of him and me, taken donkey years ago. I was smiling to myself. He looked so blissful. Even my mom said so, his smile was brimming with pride and love.

I miss him the most.


I still have his passport photo glued onto my laptop screen. Him, slightly smiling, looking slightly sad. I can't remember how I got this photo, but when I found it recently, I've kept it close to me and now he's half-smiling back at me from the bottom right corner of my screen.


I know that he was never the perfect father, he may have lost his way and he may have forgotten his responsibilities. But I no longer blame him for tripping over the darned bumps...for accusing me as the reason why his business went turtle, for calling me a bastard, for refusing to feed me after my first year in Oxford, refusing to put the family first and satiate his own selfish needs instead, and for repeatedly claiming that we three are burdens to him. I no longer blame him for doing what he did to mom, like when he stopped loving her and when he refused to give her a single cent after that, though admittedly, this was the hardest one to forgive, of them all.. I no longer blame him for not being able to show his love at all anymore. I no longer blame him for tearing the family apart, for not letting me to have even a simple, proper family dinner ever again.

These are just facts now. Parts of life I just had to battle with.

Though hard. But hey, I didn't lose.

It's all over now. Why bother brooding over?

Up to the point where he lost his way, he was still a pretty amazing father, he used to love me wholeheartedly. I know this. He used to really, really love me. I know how proud of me was. Then, he was still that funny, generous, wise, cool, respectable, talented, fun, smart father I really looked up to. And these.. are things I definitely have to pay my dues for. He is my father. He is still my father, no matter what. I owe my life to him.

And now even more so, cause he is lost in his own darkness. I wish I can reach out to him. I am damn sure that he is now missing the good old life too, us as a family.. he's just too damn proud to ever admit it. If there is one thing I'd like God to give him, would be his sanity, integrity and responsibility back. *sigh* That'd be three things.

Also, I know that husband snatchers, especially those stupid Indon skanks who stole people's hasband with vodoo shites, will fyuckin go to hell. You hear that? Your place is fyucking reserved next to satan. Assholes. You didn't mar and ruin the life of just one person, you wrecked the whole family!!! You selfish byitches!!!!!!!! Fyuck, I am swearing again.. I wish I can just take a sniper and shoot her fyuckin head. But I know I won't. *SIGH....*.. I also have to forgive her, or them, I don't know. Somehow... It's a must. Must forgive.. must accept..must forgive..On the way.. yah yah.. more meditation camps first.. Hmm.. how come mom gets there first?

She's amazing.


These must all really pass, ... go through my friggin system and outtt.. out outttttttttt completely. I am not gonna just squeeze it and stuff it somewhere in me and let it become cancerous. I am not just gonna put a front. These must all really pass. Eh?

Make love, not war.




I hope there will come a day... (and yes, Marcelly, you must make it happen...)

When I can return to Jakarta and say these words to him:


"Daddy, here are your gold cards, I've stopped using them completely. I'd like to return them to you. I'm very well taken care of now. I 've made something out of myself. Thank you "..

I would take out the cards, put them on his office table and at the same time, I would take out an envelope and a box..

"In this envelope is a little bit of something for you, it's a cheque, the amount may never compare to whatever love and effort you have poured for me when I was much younger, but this is something you might want to use... (in my heart, I would hope and pray that he won't abuse this money and give it to his stupid mistress (es?) )... In this box.. is.. quite a nice watch. I know you don't wear watch much, but maybe that's because you didn't have this one.. I hope you like it.. You like Patek Phillipe, don't you? I didn't know what else to get you.. I hope you like it.."

I don't know what his reaction would be by then.. but I would continue..

"All these years that we've spent very far apart.. physically and emotionally... I've never stopped loving you. I was once an angry daughter, angry because I was disappointed, not because I hated you. But you know I've forgiven you very long ago. Maybe it was both our ego and foolishness that separated us so badly.
But I know that, no matter what, you are my father. And I am your daughter. I love you and I always will.
I don't know what paths life will give us, or what surprises will give us.
But I don't want to be too late to say all these.. I've been meaning to say
them for very long. And I'm glad this day happenned"


I really hope that he will give me a tight hug. He hasn't given me one for at least a decade.
He is in my prayer most nights... I only wish for his happiness, good health.. and pray that he would someday soon return to the enlightened path..


"Daddy, I miss you more than you can imagine. You have no idea how many times I've tried to say how much I love you but my pride and daftness would stop me. You have no idea how many times I wanted to hug you back in Jakarta but never dared to. I really, really don't want to be too late to show you...."

I hope you have a good night tonight, and every night.



Good night everyone..

I'm gonna hug my mom to sleep. She just dreamt of dad last night.





(Maybe I should just make some little bird tell my dad about this blog entry, there..)

35 Comments:

At 6:56 AM, Blogger Doreen gently snorted that...

Celle, I'm touched by you, your BIG heart. You're such an angel. May your wish comes true. As for those husband snatchers, they'll be served right!

 
At 11:16 AM, Anonymous shanewei gently snorted that...

hey celly, i shared every single feelings of what you went thru, but not as a daughter, rather as a wife and i hold no respect for those husband snatchers too, except mine wasn't indon, but thaissss. irony actually, coz i'm part thai myself and he's a complete 100% chinese s'porean. and my mom-in-law(x) has sought help from many masters she can find coz she believed he was under some sort of u know, voodoo.. but i guess, my x-husband should be the one getting the lion share of blame coz if he has not touched them, he won't be where he is today and we still will be one happy family.

God bless you and your mom. She is one super strong woman and she has all my respect!

 
At 1:04 PM, Anonymous Sleepless in Bangkok gently snorted that...

Do what you want to do, whenever you want to.
Difficult or not, chances do not come everyday. And talking about it isn't gonna realise it.

 
At 1:08 PM, Anonymous yuzmambo gently snorted that...

Hey... somehow your wishes will be granted. I didn't know that you had such distraught relationship with your father. I pray that things will work out. Being able to forgive someone makes you a better person all round.

Kudos to your mum for being strong in the face of adversity. She is one tuff cookie. So chin up. Look ahead to a better tomoro celle! :)

 
At 1:36 PM, Blogger DirtyDancer gently snorted that...

this post made me tear a little because i have issues with my dad too.

i used to really hate him at times when i was younger. when he used to hit me and verbally abuse my mum and gramma so terribly i feel like i can never forget.

now, i don't think i still hate him. sometimes i feel sorry for him. but i don't think i can be as as generous as you have shown you are in this post. Yet.

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

doreen: i dun think im that nice or such an angel thou. i just feel that its much more tiring to hate and keep grudges than to forgive. hmm..

shanewei: sometimes i wonder if all these horrible stories on marriages and their failure scare the younger generation to take the chance. sigh... most of the time, the problem is with the guy huh. mom always tell my bro... next time, to be a good husband, remember to keep your ding dong in ur pants.



SIB: u're like giving me an ultimatum... hmm.. stress.. i just messaged him to tell him that i miss him.. i guess the journey of a thousand miles start with the first step?



yuzmambo: thank you for your encouraging words. and to everyone else too.. thank you =)



DiDa: babe, i believe that kids can sue abusive parents, well in ur case its long over tho. but i hv a gf who gets hit by her dad too.. i told to go get protection by law. eh these men sick ah? *sigh..*

but yeah babe.. i spose pitying is more like it..no nid to hate. coz prolly he's just lost.. im sure he didnt mean to hurt.. and he couldnt comprehend why he did it either..prolly..
but its so long ago.. i spose ur anger has subsided? i hope so. and now, u're all good, u have Babes too... i'm jealous =).. I wan one too ..=)..gimme cute policeman? =p

 
At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Sleepless in Bangkok gently snorted that...

Well its just my take on it. The beautiful thing about life is everyone can make their own choices.
Heck, I don't even force my employees to make choices.

Oh and congratulations on the baby step(sms).

 
At 5:23 PM, Anonymous CV gently snorted that...

hi... this entry made me tear hehe.. I went through all these also... except tt my dad is far from rich.
He still loves me as much as before but he dont have any responsibility 'sense' towards us
I have forgiven him since long ago though now we almost lost contact since im in sing n he's in indon...

 
At 5:40 PM, Anonymous blackcat gently snorted that...

Shed any tears while writing it? Speaking of tears, someone sent me an sms but I didn't recognise the number. Called but noone answered. I think he/she realised that the msg was sent to the wrong person. Read the msg below. Maybe send something like this to your dad....perhaps modify it abit laah...


Last night I was thinking of U, a tear came out of my eyes. I asked"Why are you out?" Tear said there's a sweet & nice person in your eyes, so there's no place for me.....

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

SIB: thank you. i must take bigger steps but somehow, i cant face him til i've really made smth our of myself. just smth i wanna show him. i wanna make him proud again n then show him that i hv not forgotten him despite everything.


cv: way to go for you that uve forgiven him! kudos! forgiving sometimes is so hard. i find ppl who forgive easily just amazing eh?

blackcat: thats a v sweet sms. wow. but i dun think my dad will get it =)

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger No need for it.. just things and are stuff for gently snorted that...

U took my words out of it.. hahaha

You're not the only sibbling missing the whole GOOD FAMILY vibe... I missed them too.. I miss Sundays, sundays when we get to get out as a famly, at the very least Sunday was always booked for family time. I miss that Sunday more than ever... It gets too empty during 'now' sundays...

My friends still have their family times, family dinner, family outting, family holids, and family sundays..... *sigh* how much i miss it only comes from the fact that i didn't get it at all.....

and I think dad's going broke liao, or cutting his bills short... He don want to pay for my chinese lessons, my pocket money, my SCHOOL FEES... Now he just wants me to take the money from my account, the account filled with moneys i didn't make.... you know the mlm thing laghh.... haiz... It feels really weird when your DAD supposedly ask money from you, it kinda disturbs the kid mentally.. for me at least.. but i'm working on it.. I think dad's putting me like trust fund, so that he won't completely go broke.. hahahaha.... Aih.... So tiring....

I curse dad alot these days you know... Hate how he does things like putting everything on me financially, how he ruined the Good Family vibe altogether, hate how he walks around the house, hate how the only thing coming from his mouth is about money or making money, or settling debts or getting more clients.. where's the 'DAD' i knew back then?

but i usually end up cutting him slack coz i know he's been through alot, and i mean ALOT..... He married too young! Mom married too young... They are still the kids they were when they married (just a metaphore...hehe).... *sigh* i can't blame dad now, he was too young.. he married at MY AGE!! Scary when i think about it.. *double Sigh*

And to think about it, i think Dad was the typical spoiled-rich-kid gone bad scenario.... hahahaha....

And i don't think dad knows too much english, so not to dissapoint, but it'll be weird if i have to sit next to him, translating your every line.. or bro for the matter.. hahahaha

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

Win: my dear baby bro... I know it must feel doubly worse if you are living with the villain himself.

But I would like to stop hating him. Theres no use. Yes, he has evolved into a person we all do not like very much. Cold-hearted, cold-blooded, cold in every sense of it. he is also selfish and irresponsible. but he is still ur dad, darling.
I m sure he still loves you. he just doesnt know how to show it coz he's become quite an idiot when it comes to showing emotions.

bear with it a while yah. about moneys, if ure ever short, let me know, my land may cash out anytime soon too, so hey.. lets wait for good news. im gonna get a lot of profit out of it. on top of that, if there anything urgent, ill try to work smth out lah.

also, come next yr, would really love u to join me and mom in spore. i'll do all i can for u to get ur bachelor in NTU doing ur animation.

And yeah, i spose.. i still hv not much guts to talk sense into him and tell him how i feel, until im fully independent and made something out of myself.

this is a promise i gotta fulfil to myself i spose.

in the meantime, take care and remember that me and mom miss u a lot everyday.

love u bro.. hope to see u soon, before the year ends..

*hugs*

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Chris gently snorted that...

*sob sob*

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

Chris: hiks.. dun cry lar

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger shuddupfirst gently snorted that...

sobs :-(* this is so sad. I guess its just our culture, sometimes I want to hug both my parents too... thank them and tell them how much I love and appreciate them.. before its too late. But it's just so awkward :-/ Sigh. I hope one day soon I will. Be strong Celly! Remember, pain is just weakness leaving the body.~

 
At 8:21 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

shuddupfirst: thank you! and yes, i think u should u know.. really.. i mean, to my mom, i tell her that almost everyday.. how much i love her.. i hug and kiss her too.. but its just with my dad, we kinda on rough grounds for sometime. so.. i gotta work it slowly..
but u gotta start hugging ur parents =) maybe start will simple gestures..?

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger shuddupfirst gently snorted that...

yah, one time i smsd my dad :"hello watsap? i miss you" heheheheheheh. And he never reply me! He called me like one week later to check on me, and like kinda awkward MWAHAHAHHAHAHAH. funny la sometimes, but i like to put him in that awkward position! mwahhahaha!! We really getting older already man, can't believe it. I wish Im still 16 when I can be selfish and hate my parents for no reason. mwahhahaha I'm glad things are great with your Mom! & it's nice to see you're so tight w your brother too! Hehehehh you know la dads, so hard for them to show their softer side one (Must act cool). But as I get older I tend to get along better with my parents, i dunno why. Maybe getting old, tired to rebel also.hahahaha

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

yea i see wat u mean.. its all the ego thing that stops all this loving..

pride killlsss loveeeeeeeeeeeeee

 
At 10:50 PM, Blogger Adrian gently snorted that...

I feel you, girl. I really do. Not about the forgiveness part, because I rarely forgive, but I totally know where you're coming from.

 
At 1:57 AM, Anonymous Ryousuke gently snorted that...

"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Daddy I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine daddy, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
'Cause I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this is not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Daddy, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

*One day u will find the happiness u always hoped. ;)

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Yours Potatoly gently snorted that...

Your entry made me feel ashamed. I wonder when will I be able to do what you managed to do. =)

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

adrian: dude, hmm..u must learn to forgive more then? no?

ryousuke: thank you so much... i guess that song would be really apt now.. smth i shd dedicate to my dad eh?? thank youuu..

yours potatoly: it did? how come you will not? hmm.. i hope i get to to do more too..

 
At 10:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

it's good to know tat u have already forgave ur dad. but don't wait too long to tell ur dad what u wanna tell him.life is too short... u never know what will happen next

 
At 11:18 PM, Anonymous eve gently snorted that...

salute to u!!! glad that you and your mom are able to emerge out strong. I also went thru the same thing, and I can totally understand. reading ur entry is like deja vu. take care of ur mom..

 
At 11:23 PM, Blogger Yours Potatoly gently snorted that...

Maybe it's not that I would not.. more like I could not. Still working towards being able to forgive though. Go on inspiring, fellow un-kuniang (in DiDa's blog). Lol..

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger shuddupfirst gently snorted that...

burp!~ im so bored. Update please!!
&
visit my site too! ^^
(xanga.com/timeoutfromtheworld) <3

 
At 8:20 AM, Anonymous WinterAngelzzZ gently snorted that...

Hey babe..ur mom's really superb!It really take loads of courage to do tt..she's 1 great woman! RESPECT RESPECT!!*hugs*

Will u be performin this wk??I've just touched dw at Spore(sept 13th)& will be here4a wk or so b4 headin back to aussie..will like to see u performin =)

 
At 9:35 AM, Anonymous Sleekshoes gently snorted that...

Michael Buble!!!
I think celly's dad should sing it instead .

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

anonymous: man ure scaring me... but i do plan to do it when im successful one day.

eve: aite..=)

yours potatoly: hehehe.. thank u

shuddup: hehe.. a bit tied up but got things to say.. i tink i blog tmr

winterangelz: shd be next wk wed onwards babe =).. u in town? meet up soon.

sleekshoes: heh heh

 
At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

I can relate to what you feel, when love is lacking from the most important people in your life, esp situations like this (Happened to me as well but reversed roles, geddit?) The good thing is you are more matured now, to be able to take a step back and calmly review what it really is.

And also, it's when things like this happen that one wishes for love to flow in and heal those wounds deep inside, to feel a void that others with happy, fulfilling families can't never relate. To sidetrack a little, I'm not sure whether it's the same for you but I realised your other half would not be able to provide that; it's looking in the wrong places when ultimately you realise you just need to love yourself more, to not let people determine your feelings nor your worth.

So be strong. Life carries on and the lesson learnt is not to let history repeat itself for your future family. Go watch Adam Sandler's movie "Click", that will make you feel better heh.

Panosia

 
At 11:55 AM, Anonymous WinterAngelzzZ gently snorted that...

Yea babe..im in town..tryin to chat w u thru MSN..but u're always in bz mode..so i dont dare to chat..afraid tt i'll disturb u while u're doin ur stuff..as I dont always get the chance to stayover in Spore & since im in town i wanna see u performin.. =)

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

panosia: hi.. thank u for ur advice. i actually watched CLICK and yes, it was beautiiful, i cried at the end..

winterangelz:: yah im almost never around my comp.. but i will leave u my number when im on it k,, or leave me urs!

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger DarrenSoon gently snorted that...

Thank you for sharing.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger Adrian gently snorted that...

I do not see why people see forgiveness as a virtue. The only sensible thing to do when you have been attacked is to counterattack. Turning the other cheek just gets you slapped again.

 
At 1:03 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

darren: hmm.. thank u for listening, u are always the kindest ones who will write me such sincere email.. catch up when u here dude..

adrian:BAH... *sigh*.. guess we're on diff planets.. tsk tsk.. MEN!!!

 

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