Should there come a day...

I was browsing through the photo albums that my mom brought from Jakarta recently.

In fact, recently, I browsed through it a whole lot, hardcopy photoes still have the ability to tug at one's heart string, slightly more than e-photoes.

I've been reminiscing extensively.

Good old days,

Jolly.. jolly good old days..

You know...

Great happy family, rich nice dad, lovely mom, big house, lots of holidays, lots of expensive eat-outs... lots of laughter....lots of joy...

I miss them a lot. A lot. A LOT.

Sometimes I wonder why God has stopped giving me such good life. But more often than not, I'd remember the answers and I would stop asking.

The very one person missing in those albums is my dad himself.
Seems like mom has taken most of his photoes out and thrown them somewhere. When I found these little photo stickers of him and me, taken donkey years ago. I was smiling to myself. He looked so blissful. Even my mom said so, his smile was brimming with pride and love.

I miss him the most.


I still have his passport photo glued onto my laptop screen. Him, slightly smiling, looking slightly sad. I can't remember how I got this photo, but when I found it recently, I've kept it close to me and now he's half-smiling back at me from the bottom right corner of my screen.


I know that he was never the perfect father, he may have lost his way and he may have forgotten his responsibilities. But I no longer blame him for tripping over the darned bumps...for accusing me as the reason why his business went turtle, for calling me a bastard, for refusing to feed me after my first year in Oxford, refusing to put the family first and satiate his own selfish needs instead, and for repeatedly claiming that we three are burdens to him. I no longer blame him for doing what he did to mom, like when he stopped loving her and when he refused to give her a single cent after that, though admittedly, this was the hardest one to forgive, of them all.. I no longer blame him for not being able to show his love at all anymore. I no longer blame him for tearing the family apart, for not letting me to have even a simple, proper family dinner ever again.

These are just facts now. Parts of life I just had to battle with.

Though hard. But hey, I didn't lose.

It's all over now. Why bother brooding over?

Up to the point where he lost his way, he was still a pretty amazing father, he used to love me wholeheartedly. I know this. He used to really, really love me. I know how proud of me was. Then, he was still that funny, generous, wise, cool, respectable, talented, fun, smart father I really looked up to. And these.. are things I definitely have to pay my dues for. He is my father. He is still my father, no matter what. I owe my life to him.

And now even more so, cause he is lost in his own darkness. I wish I can reach out to him. I am damn sure that he is now missing the good old life too, us as a family.. he's just too damn proud to ever admit it. If there is one thing I'd like God to give him, would be his sanity, integrity and responsibility back. *sigh* That'd be three things.

Also, I know that husband snatchers, especially those stupid Indon skanks who stole people's hasband with vodoo shites, will fyuckin go to hell. You hear that? Your place is fyucking reserved next to satan. Assholes. You didn't mar and ruin the life of just one person, you wrecked the whole family!!! You selfish byitches!!!!!!!! Fyuck, I am swearing again.. I wish I can just take a sniper and shoot her fyuckin head. But I know I won't. *SIGH....*.. I also have to forgive her, or them, I don't know. Somehow... It's a must. Must forgive.. must accept..must forgive..On the way.. yah yah.. more meditation camps first.. Hmm.. how come mom gets there first?

She's amazing.


These must all really pass, ... go through my friggin system and outtt.. out outttttttttt completely. I am not gonna just squeeze it and stuff it somewhere in me and let it become cancerous. I am not just gonna put a front. These must all really pass. Eh?

Make love, not war.




I hope there will come a day... (and yes, Marcelly, you must make it happen...)

When I can return to Jakarta and say these words to him:


"Daddy, here are your gold cards, I've stopped using them completely. I'd like to return them to you. I'm very well taken care of now. I 've made something out of myself. Thank you "..

I would take out the cards, put them on his office table and at the same time, I would take out an envelope and a box..

"In this envelope is a little bit of something for you, it's a cheque, the amount may never compare to whatever love and effort you have poured for me when I was much younger, but this is something you might want to use... (in my heart, I would hope and pray that he won't abuse this money and give it to his stupid mistress (es?) )... In this box.. is.. quite a nice watch. I know you don't wear watch much, but maybe that's because you didn't have this one.. I hope you like it.. You like Patek Phillipe, don't you? I didn't know what else to get you.. I hope you like it.."

I don't know what his reaction would be by then.. but I would continue..

"All these years that we've spent very far apart.. physically and emotionally... I've never stopped loving you. I was once an angry daughter, angry because I was disappointed, not because I hated you. But you know I've forgiven you very long ago. Maybe it was both our ego and foolishness that separated us so badly.
But I know that, no matter what, you are my father. And I am your daughter. I love you and I always will.
I don't know what paths life will give us, or what surprises will give us.
But I don't want to be too late to say all these.. I've been meaning to say
them for very long. And I'm glad this day happenned"


I really hope that he will give me a tight hug. He hasn't given me one for at least a decade.
He is in my prayer most nights... I only wish for his happiness, good health.. and pray that he would someday soon return to the enlightened path..


"Daddy, I miss you more than you can imagine. You have no idea how many times I've tried to say how much I love you but my pride and daftness would stop me. You have no idea how many times I wanted to hug you back in Jakarta but never dared to. I really, really don't want to be too late to show you...."

I hope you have a good night tonight, and every night.



Good night everyone..

I'm gonna hug my mom to sleep. She just dreamt of dad last night.





(Maybe I should just make some little bird tell my dad about this blog entry, there..)