The Faraway Land Tale (Part III)

Sshiippsh Ahhoyyy. ..All but a brroad...

*Obviously NOT Captain Scary's ship..*

His looked more like this..

*sobs.. *

(eh Capt, not being mean or belittling by giving you a smaller boat, aite?

But the other one was labelled 'Captain Hook's' Leh... bo pian )

Anyway, please read part 1 here

And part 2 here

PART 3

One fine day, when the sky was orange with lilac-pink streaks, when the clouds were puffy and white like baby’s buttocks and when the birds in the Cassia trees flew across the spires like modern-day UAVs.

(Wahahha… that’s Unmanned Aerial Vehicle?Umm.. I simply meant remote control planes)

drum roll

Captain Scary declared his love to Princess Silly.

(Aha! You knew there’s always the cliché shite, right? Were you expecting a cheem-ly stimulating, non-cheesy, deep and intense story? Sod off..)

Let me repeat.

Captain Scary declared his love to Princess Silly.

Being a shy, inwardly insecure man of few words, Captain didn’t quite know how to show his ‘undying’ (blatant lie, that twat!) love for her. He felt that it was too foolish to ask his fellow sailors too, they would probably sneer and laugh at him. He wanted help and advice, but there weren’t any TV or movie shows to learn those skirt-chasing tricks from, either. (The island is supposedly sooo serene that it is free from those mentally-destructive devices like the telly or celly (cellphone, duh))

So, Captain was stuck in a rut. He started talking to a mocking bird, which of course, but mocked at him. He had no one else to turn to. He had no idea what to say and how to say to Princess.
All he wanted was her to marry him, to live with him in his dried-hay-and termite-ridden bamboo hut (which had a huge hole the size of human in the roof, Captain was broke, you see, he sweeps the beach for the fish). He wanted Princess ALL to himself, so that he can chuckle at her cheerful laughter everyday, dig her nose anytime, smack her huge buns anytime and whip out tuna-cheese toasts for her breakfasts everyday (Princess’s appetite is like that of horse’s).

On top of these, he would like to cook up feasts for her every now and then, this includes Egg pizza bolognaise, curry chicken and sambal goreng ikan bilis. (Captain is quite a cook, you see, but no no.. he’s not related to Captain Cook.. or Captain Hook.., but to Captain Crook)
Captain was very excited at the idea, so excited that his graceful palms were getting clammy. But at the same time, the huge man was rather terrified.

"What if she runs away one day? What happens then? What'd i do?" thought Captain.
"What if one day , Princess finds out ..the secret??"

Yes, THE SECRET.

(Have I just made the story more exciting, or what? Huh, You folks).

Captain was worried sick. He was so worried that he started to have mood swings again. He was stuck in a conundrum now. To fear love or to fear life? A predicament he needed to configure.
Subconsciously, his mind started to drift back to all the pretty maidens he left behind long ago, in other islands.

All the pain, the guilt and the hustle.

Damn those women.

"Yes, this stupid, silly one is different. She's special indeed. She's how silly and she seems to laugh at everything I say, obligingly or not. She seems to like everything I do and pays attention to everything I say. She tails me everywhere like a shadow and she also has the nastiest Bookghra hip-shakes he's ever seen at the Crabbattooga dance festivals. Hot stuff! Ahh.. She makes me giggle all the time.. And her buns.. hot buns...."

The thought of her made him smile again. Something was raising down below and his drool was dangerously wetting the beer mug coaster.

But ALAS, (jolt back to reality)

Hell and Damnation!

Those broads will ALL flee from him in the end, one way or another.

Captain just knew it. He would screw it up again, cause they would all discover.. THE SECRET.

They will all stop loving him and start leaving him. Either because of his ill mannerism, his eclectic bed ethics, his diminishing hairline, his frequent drunken states, his intolerable weirdness, his philandering ways or just him. They would all of course leave him with a shattered heart as they would all love him nonetheless. Women are stupid fellas and they know that, they just don't know what to do about that.

In fact, let’s be more official sounding, those damn broads could leave him because of their irreconcilable differences.
So, Captain Scary was horrified.

He didn’t want to own something so badly just so that he can lose it one day. It’s too tiring all over again. Maybe he should stop himself from meeting anymore women.

Also, he's running out of islands to flee to.

Women are trouble.

Remember what Bob the God say : " No Woman No Cry.."

He must have known best.

"Yes, you those pieces of shits with two coconuts below the neck, daoon’t..ya gow fyucking near mee!", his voice was let out with heavy breaths of coconut brandy. He was slurring and staggering across the pier.

Yes, yes I am just about to get to the part where he declared his love.
So, this was how it happened....

--end of part 3---

Written by : AuntieCelly -that bored old tart

Read Part 4 here