My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Friday, May 20, 2005

Migration Migration Migration!

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My much beloved blog readers, if you've been reading religiously for sometime, I'd like to express my great THANK YOU! from the bottom of my heart.

If you're an avid stalker, I'd say :" You go mang...!"

If you're an occasional reader, I'd like to thank you too! But maybe from the heart of my botttom.

If you happen to just drop by and if you like what you see, Sphankzz too!
Please scroll down and find my list of selected archived Best entries before adjourning elsewhere.


HOWEVER, I've decided to move to a new address as I'd like to try blogging from my new phone. It's much more convenient as I am on the move a lot nowadays and my laptop is about to retire manggg..

NEW ADDRESS IS : www.moblog.com.sg/blog/sillycelly

I sincerely hope that you would still read. *fingers crossed*...

One thing I really treasure are your comments, good , bad, relevant or bo liao.. I love them!

However, commenting on moBlog is not easily accessible, but please be patient, I think they're doing something about it. You can still email me for anything, or register with moBlog briefly, to comment. I'd be over the moon if you'd do that fer me.

I will still blog with my warped, crooked alter ego Auntie Celly and the silly side will try to churn out more silly stuffs, like the gulf war part II and rude random rantings...
In the new blog,
the entries have been categorised into SillyCelly's and AuntieCelly's.
Look under Topics, this way more organised also. =)


So, yeah... I'll be fyucking joyous if you continue reading ...

So it's all good..


_____________________________________________




Second announcement, there will be a HUGE seminar in a hotel in Singapore ,
on the Saturday of 8th October 2005

There are limited seats and it's on first come first serve basis.
RSVP only.

It will be on the phenomenal investment concept of land banking.
Learn the Lee Ka Shing's secret!
What was once a rich man's game is now open to all.
Learn how to be rich... surely and safely.

Those with the rare entrepreneurial blood are most welcomed.
Those who would like to retire a millionaire die die must come.
.
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Those who would like to gain insights to new grounds are greatly, greatly welcomed.
Those who just wanna stay for the free good food are sadly, ehh..not very welcomed.
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But whatever it is, it's always SMART to learn something new.
You'll have nothing to lose.
Be open-minded, be adventurous.
.
If you are interested,> Hit da button and mail me =)
Stating your names and contacts.
I will then divulge the full details and reserve the seats.
There're limited seats so hurry!!
Thus who can't make it to the seminar, can still email me!
Will update you on future ones...

Thank you.
Cheers


Most faithfully,

Celly

Monday, May 16, 2005

ThE INtEr-VieW (CaNnOt TyPe LiKe ThIZ MEh?)

Uhh... Days are getting lonelier, my friends are all on their grad trips,
NZ, Vietnam, London....

Me, deciding to stay... now have to suck smelly toe!

I'm jealoussssssssssssss ...............

DC is going to Bahama..
I can only go Banana!!!!!!!!!!!

Bloody HELLL!!!!!!!!!!
Why I got so many things to do one!!!!

Anyway,

Yeah.. Sandra and me got interviewed by Shin Min last Friday.
Whether or not it gets published is another story.
If it is published, whether I read it or not is another story..
If I do read it, whether I understand it or not is another story...
It's gonna be in Chinese!!!!!!!!!!!

I am gonna have to bloody take out my dictionary and read at snail speed.
bah.. I wont even know if it's all malice or praises.

Bah..

Anyway, here're a few things she asked and a few things I said to answer them (roughly)
This would be the abridged English version.
Please someone read the Chinese one and verify to me, maybe it'll be out next week or something. Will tell you. KEKeKe...

bY ThE WaY, DoeZ TyPinG LiKe DiZ MaKeZ mE LoOk LiKeZ A bImBO?
I really dunno why some girls lurve to type that way, so bloodey tiring.


Interview

Q: When did you start blogging?

A: Not very long ago actually, it's not even half a year yet, in December last year.


Q: So, why did you start blogging?

A: At first, it was purely for my own readings and reminiscence, just like a diary. A few close friends started to read it. Somehow, overtime, more and more people found my blog and started reading. A few of them found them hilarious and they became regular readers.
However, it wasnt until this post , that my blog shot up in its readership.
It was shocking! I got quite stressed for awhile, but my friends encouraged me to just be 'myself' and blog on.


Q: I see your contents are of a wide range, sometimes controversial, sometimes tabboo-ish, like how you write about genitals and sexual issues. Aren't you afraid that your readers will perceive you as ' easy'?

A: Most people, Singaporeans included, missed the fine line between being 'easy' and 'open minded', I am absolutely the latter. But I do forgive people for getting the wrong first impression. However, most would on find out that I am not like what they think, either through observations or a tight slap in the face.


Q: So do you think you're pretty? *I tot she auditionin me for Miss Singapore sial*

A: Pretty? Hmm...As much as I'd like to think so, I'm just average looking.
I see pretty girls everywhere!!! Yes! I look and drool at them too. Chiselled faces, flawless complexion, nevereverending legs. I am nowhere near. But I hope to compensate my ordinary looks with my confidence, exuberance of energy and occasional charisma and wits.
Pretty is a very shallow description anyway.


Q: I heard there has been discussion among bigf**k, mr brown and other bloggers, that female bloggers post pretty pictures of themselves to attract readers. What's your opinion?


A:Females make the universal symbol for marketing. Girls and Boys, both love to see Girls.
Putting nice pictures up may help with the 'catching' factor. However, whether or not the reader makes a comeback, it'll solely depend on the writings.
If I primarily wished to flaunt my pictures, I would start only an online photo album and not a blog.

If there was a handsome male blogger who puts pictures of himself and his washboard, I'd check his blog out too! But if he's lame, then that's it. A one-off affair.


Q: So, with respect to this brouhaha, what's your standpoint on the 'Bimbo' entitlement to many female bloggers?


A: Doesn't apply to me.
Am I in anyway, a Bimbo?
Well, you're half right, coz I don't think I'm ugly. But you're half wrong, Coz I dont think I'm stupid!
Are other female bloggers bimbos? Maannnggg..... How I know?


Q: Would you put up sexy pictures, like in skimpy outfits, up on your blog to attract readers?


A: Majority of the pictures do not go below the neck.
I never see the point, the need, or the wish to pose under-dressed.
Most importantly, I don't have a bod like Fiona Xie's to flaunt.


Q: So, why do you think people read you blog?


A: I'd like to think that they read my blog because they find me interesting, different and sometimes hilarious. Although I must admit it is impossible to be THAT funny everyday. I am human after all. Also, people have a certain expectations on you after reading your funnier entries, this is inevitable.
As much as I try to keep up to their expectations, and of course my own, I know I can't make everyone happy all the time. It's gotta be natural, when I am the roll, I am on the roll, when I'm in the dipshit, I am in the dipshit.


Q: What's your main aim in blogging?


A: I'd like to make people laugh whenever I can. Or at least grin or chuckle.
It'd be great if I end up making them spurt out coke all over their screens.

I'd like to share some views or tips that I deem insightful to them too.


Q: Is blogging for your satisfaction or the readers'?


A:I guess I'd have to say that it's a reversible, two way lane. I am aware there are readers out there. I know I can write whatever I want, I do that, but I try to consider them as well with each sentence I write.


Q: Are there some stuffs you won't reveal in your blog?

A: Very personal issues, very controversial or provocative issues. I try to cover my ass as much as I can. Some materials can be a tad controversial but I try to bring them across with a much less serious and hopefully wittier manner. I haven't gotten myself into trouble, hmm.. yet.
I am also not under any scholarship .. so ya.. he hez...

________________


*End*

Sunday, May 15, 2005

AUNTCELLY's Special Part II

Today's entry is again dedicated to...

AUNTCELLY's TIME:


Brief Introduction:
AuntCelly has a big mouth which confirms her capabilty of shooting out bullshit.
This constellation of bullshits proved to be extremely effective when applied to bullshitty problems.
"yi du gong du!"
She has been giving advice to her disciples for decades.
She has the ultimate yin and yang.
She also teaches experiential learning techniques in expensive countries.

To give her problems (literally) to solve, pwease post comment/emu her..
Remember that She's ALL rationale and no morale.. eh wrong.. no sympathy!
(but morale rhymes sial..).
Not all emailed problems are published at once. Please be patient as AuntCelly is quite old.



Have you missed her?????

Haiyoh... She tot it's like all peace in the world.. didnt know there's still

so many troubled souls out there....


Problems of the Day:
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.
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suspiciousbastard 提到...
Is there any way to get fyucking rich apart from selling your backside/organs/man-rod?





AUntCelly:
Selling backside is more profitable than man-rod apparently.
Organs.. well.. if you have spare..
Other ways include robbing banks and drug dealing loo... Like you dunno....
Anyway, if you wanna make a million dollars the legal way fast.




.
.
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Spanar:
Dear Aunt Celly,what can i do to a girl whose schizophrenic yet incredibly beautiful....like Fann wong. I'm sick of being superman.



AuntCelly:
WOIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then you want to be superwoman is it?
hmmm... wat u tokin about ah..
Dear Spanar, Fann Wong is schizophrenic?She actress wadd..
What's being superman got to do with liking this crazy two-sided girl?
I very confused la..
please dont confuse me when you ask questions.
I rephrase for you la ok!
"Dear Aunt Celly, What can superman do to a girl who likes Fann Wong , incredibly beautiful and schizophrenic?"
Ah.. so much easier. Bloody hell.. superman can grow boobs, maybe she will like lor..
WHAT to do to her ah... What a question!!!!!!!!!!!
So many things you can what.. Just a matter of getting tight slap in the face or not.



LadyinRED:
Dear Auntie, I find it frustrating that I keep meeting Mr. Wrong.
I end up getting really sick of them.
What should I do?
I still like men. But I want to find Mr. Right and not waste anymore time.
I am almost 80. I dont have much time.



AuntCelly:
In that case I also got not much to say.
You dont have much longer to live anyway..
Aiyorr auntie, you so old liao.
You join me for mahjong every Saturday larr..
Got many cute sugar boy boys to choose from.
Subsequently, please read AuntCelly's "Guide to the Right Member"
To check if boy boy is within the Quality standard.
Just remember to slip me the MAMMI's tip.



Anonymous said...
Aunty Celly, What do u call a man who dates a girl for some years
and then decides he is not the marrying type har?
Do you call him
1) a fyuck-type egoistic selfish ball of shit or
2) an asehole who produces shit or
3) an idiot who eats shit or
4) a scumbag who contains shit
5) ? what else can u call him?


AuntCelly:
Seriously dahleeng, this guy is a gem.
I'd choose 5) Thoughtful bastard.
Isn't it nice of him to let her know it's ended before
they've tied the knot and everything is just too late?
Lawyers vellly expensive you know..
But come to think of it..
she could've gotten away with a lot of alimony, is he rich?
In that case, I'd put 5)Selfish bastard.
Is he single now by the way? Does he like older woman?




knychai
said...
auntycelly, how can i tell celle tat i like the way she write letter to make fun of ppl without sounding like i want to write letter to make fun of ppl?


AuntCelly:
Dont geddit!!! Wat u tokin about?Your comp got repeating virus is it? You dont nuke me hor...



Lost in Forest :
Aunt Celly,
My girlfriend doesn't like to trim or shave 'down there.' I love her very much,
but often feel like I'm adventuring through a jungle.
How can I bring this up to her nicely?
Signed,
Lost in a Forest



AuntCelly:
Dear Lost in a Forest, I am torn between two good answers, but I think it's better to lay them out here... so that you can make the wiser choice of your own.
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1. Try to love her for who she is.
Hairy Big foot or Shaven haven.
By the way, Pheromones can be oozed out through pubical hairs.
Though Sham argued that they are oozed out from the nostrils.
Which makes this pose completely sexy.


My nostrils ooozeee pheromonessss Posted by Hello



Anyway, hairs do give out pheromones too.
Thus, you may want to appreciate this.
Pheromones would give you amazing 'in love' butterfly flips.
Just in case she really is a curly wurly Amazon forest.
You can buy her serums and conditioners to soften them.
You can then rebond the hairs so that they open up like a fan or a curtain.
It can be interesting. Get creative!
.
.
2. If for any weird reason you only adore shaven haven,
which actualy makes you a tad of a paedophile.
You can either persuade her to shave it,
Some excuses you can use are:
- that you can no longer afford KY
-that you miss your childhood.
-that you would like to collect them
and pray to the pile of curly pubes each night for eternal love.
.
Or, you can do it yourself, she sleeps at night right?
Slip her prozac and epilate! Dont shave,
because the newly grown stubbles would be pricky!
Cacti in Sahara are worse than Amazon rain trees!
.
.
.....OK.... Aunt Celly is gonna rest,
But please keep the problems coming,
she's training for the next Miss Universe's speeches for world peace and shits.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

The shenanigans Lately

Some thoughts/happenings have been pondered over the past week..
Some are alarming, some are touching....
The first one is the discussion on..

1. WHY I SHOULD STOP CLUBBING ..

Oh dear.. I really don't think I can stop clubbing...
But, my craze for liver-destroying sessions is getting out of hand.

Typical weekly schedules would go something like this.


Wednesday nights: Mambo @Zouk.

Consumption: 300ml of martini rosso neat, 4 glasses of maitai.
Auxilary factors: High level Cheesy oldies, Pumpin RnB, aspiring ahbengs.
Sports: Lotsa biceps flex, tricep flex, hip flex, butt flex, waist rotation.
Aftermath: a whole bowl of beehoon soup.

Verdict: calories burnt during ahbeng immitating session replaced by beehoon and alcohol.


Thursday: Thumper..

Consumptions: free flow of vodka, thus average 6-8 per night.
Auxillary factors: Live band, RnB.
Sports: Calves muscles(jumping), throat (screaming), knees (bend and gyrate)
Aftermath: Too drunk for supper.

Verdict: Calories burnt were half replaced by alcohol.


Friday: KTV @ Este Club, Clarke Quay.

Consumptions: Chivas, endless. Titbits, endless....
Auxillary Factors: THE MICROPHONE!!!
Sports: not much, occasional sway/gyration and lotsa diaphragm muscle usage.
Aftermath: Too drunk to even find carpark. Head fell into the prata sauce.

Verdict: Calories from alcohol not burnt at all. Titbits being the major culprit coz prata never got eaten up.


Saturday: Coco Latte/Zouk
Consumptions: pre-glow (Pre-entrance)> 1/4 bottle of sherry and capalang stuff from 7-11: wine, beer, expired mouth wash.
@Zouk: 2 tequila shots, nick many sips from friend's jugs.
Auxillary factors: Friends @Members, Trance/Progressive beats. RnB at Coco.
Sports: Walk around the bloody big place. Lotsa jumping and rave footworks.
Aftermath: Normally Fong Seng AGAIN!

Verdict: Maybe the calories even out. Maybe laa..


Final Summary: Unless I cut down on the drinks and supper, cheonging is not gonna make me lose weight and the alcohol is giving me lousy skin.

Own-resolution: Cut down to once/twice a week. Only Zouk/Coco, KTV is baaaaddddddd...... I can replace KTV for sober jammings anyway.


2. WHY PEOPLE STEAL MY TOILETRIES?

On Saturday, I couldnt find my toiletries basket in the communal showers.

I was CRAZY MAD for awhile, before discovering that someone has relocated the whole bag of shampoo+soap+masks+toothbrush at the back of the toilet bowl in one of the cubicles.

This made me wonder, which LOCO-bitch would do this?
Like WTF is she doing with my shampoo and toothbrush in the toilet??????????

i. Cleaning the bowl with my toothbrush??? Cant be the cleaning auntie worr.. Her brush big and shiok one.

ii. Showering??? In the toilet?? With the flushing water????Watefuckever la: I hope she doesnt live near me.

iii. Pleasuring her self: This is the most feared scenario!!!... my gosh... with toothbrush or shampoo bottles? *pengz*

iv. Maybe, she just hates me I havent a clue why... Maybe coz I walk around looking like dumpshit in masks, pimple creams and singlets.

v.If she is trying to play bloodey games with me, hmmm... once I find out who she is, I am gonna grab her shampoo basket and hide it in the microwave oven in the kitchen! Arghh..



3. On the same Saturday,
Me, Jac, Sham and Lyd had long pizza+beer talk accompanied by the show
'WHos Line Is it Anyway' *my favourite*

We then talked about a few things.

a. Childhood games.

I realised I reallllllyyyyyy... missed my childhood days badly.
We used to play stupid silly games in the courtyards before/after school and during recess:

-PepsiCola 123, Hide N Seek, Zero point,
-And many Indon ones : bekel, tak umpet, tak jongkok.

I recalled why I used to wear tights underneath my skirt in schools, Coz I wanted to play Zero point!!!!! I aced the game!!
I want play again!!!! Anybody??????????????

b. Dragon Ball Cards.

If you dont believe that I used to be damn tut. My bro and used to collect Dragon Ball cards at those little card dispensing machines at Coronation Plaza.
We would walk from home (Watten Estate) and then spent all our weekly pocket money on stupid dragon ball cards, each costing 20cents. If we were lucky, we'd get the shiny cards!
We even drew and made our own Dragon ball cards and tried to sell them at one dollar.
Stupid primary school kids did buy from my bro, you know.. Primary school kids la...easy to con.
My Gosh.. that was almost decades ago... *tearing..*

To reminisce... this is Dragon Ball...


Goku and Vegeta...

*WAHHH I used to have tons of these!!! No wonder I had no money to buy Barbie Dream Houses!!!!


c. Girls with big boobs can play sports?

Somehow, we ended talking about why angmoh girls suck at golf.
Petite Asian girls are better. Like me Lidat.
Well..

-Booby girls suck at golf... To study this, lets see a golf swing...



This girl swing swing.... no ploblem...


BUT....



This one.. ermmmm.... There's the very obvious, strategically located movement barriers.
She should consider other sports laaa.....


-So, we decided that booby girls are good at water polo.

Why?

Because they can effortlessly float mah...

Bah..

4. I am going for more gigs... heh.. My musical friends all got gigs..Uhh..


Eating Guide in NUS

We all have to eat don't we?

The food in campus is within reach, cheaper and the canteen is a good place to do some networking (read: bio-ing, drooling and bitching).

*bio: oggle

These are some of the eateries that can be found in NUS.
Complete with their SillyCelly review of course.



1. Engineering Faculty Canteen:
Renamed as: The Techno Edge.




Food: Indian stall has great variety, plus yoghurt rice and lassi sometimes!

Patrons: Some engineers, PRC & Indian scholars, architects and Real Estate students.

Dress code:
Guys: T-shirts berms or FBT shorts. Heh. *ed: guys look totally gay in FBT shorts*
Girls: T-shirts and berms, to be noticed, wear skirt.

Bio-worthy: handsome butches, spectacled geekz, PRC Engineers and a staggering few cute male engineers who happen to be too lazy to walk to Arts Canteen that day.


2. Arts Canteen:

Renamed as: The Deck

ARTS CANTEEN

Food: The Japanese food stall is a must visit. It's worth your every penny and friggin good stuff. Totemo Oishi NE!!!!The claypot stall also doesnt lack customers, and the auntie always gives you more change than you're supposed to get. Please be honest and give her back the excess. Like me.

Patrons: Pretty people, models, wannabes, the rebels, the hip Arts students and oddles of good looking engineers.

Dress Code:
-Guys: Designer labels, muscle T-shirts, Levis' Engineered Jeans, board shorts with singlets.

-Girls: Hippie-style, Tank-tops, tube tops, mid rifs, belt for a skirt, shorts too short to cover their pubes and many, many tattooes. Hair styles range from rebonded, to blonded, to skinheads to as crazy as possible.



3. Bizad Canteen:
Renamed as: The Terrace




Food: Western food here is good, there's BratWurst and cheese sausage but the uncle like got PMS sometimes.

Patrons: Bizad students, Law-lers, Hall residents.

Dress Code:
-Guys: Singlets, showy Commando T-shirts, FBT shorts, shorts, berms. Some in formal Shirts, pants.

-Girls: Levis' hipsters , tank tops (white, black), mini skirts and anything that doesnt cover much.

Bio-worthy: Classy babes in minimal clothing, with expensive handphones.


4. Munchie Monkey: At Yusof Ishak House



Food: Spageddies food at half the market price. Their Crayfish pasta dem worth it!

Patrons: Some cool people. Those with more $$$ to spare, those who want to watch Footie LIVE and those tai tai kind who can't stand non-aircon places.
Dress code: Casual to slack. Watch out for girls in skirts slumped in the low sofa. Always chao keng one.
bio-worthy: The big projector screen playing MTV or ESPN (on football nights).


5. Genki Sushi: Also at Yusof Ishak House


Food: Used to be good but now the softshell crabs like imported from Ethiopia.
Patrons: A spectrum of variety. A lot of angmoh exchange students.
Dress Code: Casual.
Bio-worthy: The circulating plates of sushi. Very very annoying, makes you over-eat each time.


6. Science Canteen: Renamed as Frontier


Patrons: Malaysian and PRC Science students. Quite a few sweet, docile chio bus. No hunk.

Dress Code:
-Guys: T-shirts (Hall T-shirts, Club T-shirts, Faculty T-shirts), shorts.
-Girls: Same as the boys. Plus some tank tops, Capris, Cheap 'fake' Tshirts with the slogans spelled wrongly, e.g CKNY, Adadis.

Bio-worthy: Sweet Malaysian girls. The Nissan 350Z parked outside the canteen everyday (My ex-master's by the way). Cleaning aunties.



7. McDonald's: Besides Engine Canteen

Yes yes!!! WE have Mc D in campus!!!! It's cheaper than outside too..
It also boasts LCD screen with nice tables.
Patrons: Thank God no screaming kids.


8. Fong Seng: Also known as 'Behind'



Food: Cheeze Plata is good, dinosaur is good, nasi lemak is good. When you're smashed, hungry and tired from clubbing, everything is good.

Patrons: Hall students, normally from Eusoff, Sheares and TH. Plus those who came back from chionging (3-5am on Thursday, Saturday and Sunday mornings). (KR Hall has their own internal fong seng)

Dress code:
Early nights: Super-super slack dress codes. Hall T-shirts encouraged.
Early mornings: Cheonging gears on noisy babes in drunken stuphor and smeared make-ups.

bio-worthy: Many crazy NUS students who are midnight-jogging, sweaty blokes and bouncing boobs included. They will pass Fong Seng one conferrmmmm..


------***-------

My favourite eaterie is definitely Arts Canteen, for the hunks and the Jap food.

Friday, May 13, 2005

EVERY fyucking DAY!!!

First and foremost, I wanna thank donaq for classifying me as CCF and for saying that I am nice when not drunk. He hez..

Today's entry is a random as the person, sadly not quite as silly.

1. THE VIEW I SEE EVERYDAY

Below is the view that I see every fyucking day.........
Everytime I walk out of my dinghy little hole in the hostel....



Not bad laa... on a good day can spot a black RX8 at the car park.

Else... it's just rows of silver Toyota, like any other parts of Singapore.
*yawn*....

This is another view I freaking see everyday.....
I think it's my religion now...



*my bloodey blogggg..................



2. WHAT I EAT EVERYDAY

I eat indomie everyday, complete with MSG, no wonder my hair is clogging up the shower drainage...

This is the havoc in the kitchen...
Check out the ingredients.. got sausage.. got cheese.. got mee.. got egg..
got Indon sweet sauce (die die must have! it's an Indon Thing)...




I cook them in freaking minutes. This is how:

1. Put empty pan on the stove. Switch it on full blast. Let the pan roast.
2. Fill the kettle with water, switch on. While waiting for it to boil,...
3. Empty the noodle into the pan. Pour the orange juice into the glass.
4. Put sausage in the microwave.1 min.
5. mix the sauces, chilli, oil into serving plate.
6. Break and beat the egg.
7. By now, water should boil. Pour it on noodle.
8. While noodle soften,
- take out the sausagse,
-cut it small2 and put it in the pan.
-go to toilet and pee and
-go room to answer a few msn messages.
9. When you come back to kitchen, noodle should be soft.
10. Pour out the water, put some cooking oil and fry the egg.
11. Put sweet sauce , stir then turn off the stove.
12. Empty pan into the serving plate.
12. Mix it well then put the cheese on top.......




Ta Daaa....My cheesy Indomie.

Seriously speaking, it sucked!!!!!!!!!
Cheese don't go well with mee goreng. But it goes reallllly well with curry instant noodle, melt it into the curry soup. Try it!


3. WHAT I DO EVERYNIGHT!!!!

CLUBBING... well almost everynight la.. Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat.

So, just an update..
I went to New Asia bar last week at the tallest hotel in Singapore. Swisotel.
We took a photo coz we were so 'high'...70 floor high!... The view was bloody fantastic....




*Rajoo, Me and Jun* @ New Asia Bar
*missing in pic: DC was busy flirting*

Ahh shit.. sorry we covered the view... But trust me it was fantastic!

By the way, coz these two cheapskates (Rajoo and Jun) wanted to save $$$ for their grad trips, they refused to friggin take a cab from Muhammad Sultan to New Asia Bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They also refused to buy lotsa drinks at the clubs.
So 3 of us went for a little CHEAPSKATE drinking trip.

#Stop1: 7-11 at at Mhd Sultan.
Shop list: 1 orange/lime juice, 2 bottles of white wine.

Kaching: = < color="#000066">Action: Drank the orange juice a little, to make space, then mixed everything else in.

We then started walking towards Swisotel *so bloody far!!*, while finishing the yucky concoction and wine.... We also bobbed up and down to keep the 'high'.

#Stop2: Cheers at Raffles Place.

Shop list: Packaged small cups of dunno what shit going on sale for SS$3.. all in weird colours.. red.. blue.. white.. and brown...
but they displayed = 20% alcohol.
So we ditched the beers for them.
I dunno if expiring, but expired also can la.. as long as still 20%.

Action: We gargled them for half a minute before swallowing.

They tasted like shit. But they were quite lethal.
We almost got knocked down on the way from Cheers to the hotel. Or was it just me.

#Stop3: Swisotel

Shop List: Glass of wine (just to look like a bit expensive), babes, babes and babes.
Kaching = priceless.

Action: Shake booty.


And so was the cheapskate clubbing trip. It's all good.



4. WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN

I know that to all sorts of beauty pageants.. I can kiss their asses good bye.
But this is a pageant I may be able to ace.

"Most Beautiful MOTHERS!"


For preggers.. Heh.

Lidat, they won't be able to tell my fat arms and calves.
The rest also got whatt... I dont need to go on diet somemore....


5. WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sentosa life guards should look like THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!




*Slurp...Burp..*

OK la.. my great wit is impossible to be with me every fyucking day.
But look out for more AuntCelly and other shits.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

The View from the beach is a by**ch

Yesterday I went to Mambo, gargled a bottle of Martini and killed the crowd.

I've been bad... thus I'd like to say sorry to a few entities:

-to my throat, for I've killed it.
-to my liver, for I've destroyed it.
-to my lungs, for I've abused it.
-to my friends, for I've annoyed them.
-to clubbing bloggers for meeting me in such an UNSIGHTLY state.
-to Zouk, for just letting me in.
-to John for F-U-ing him for coming to mambo.
-to the vigorously dancing-ahbengs whom I made fun of.
-to the passing-by stream of crowds whom I swore at.
-to the bartender who bought me drinks but I MIA-ed from.
-to the drunken angmohs who tried to catch cab for me at BoatQuay.
-to you blog readers for having to read such a long stupid list...

Heh.......

Anyway....

On Monday, I went to Sentosa.

Hmm..

I grabbed a bottle of Hoegaarden ans strolled happily along..

*..Nice German imported sand beneath my feet...

*...Nice scorching sunrays on my back...

*....Nice bikinied, tanned beach bums within sight...



*...Nice jerami-roofed huts made me giggle....



I then lied down across Jac's sarong and lazily looked into the distance.


What did I see??
.
.
.


EEEEKKKKKKKk!!!!!



TANKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hold on...

Ok ...I think I saw something else..

..

.
.


MORE TANKERS!!!!!!!!!!


Is something bloody wrong here???

I got up and screamed:

" Arent they supposed to be banned here?? "

Not like cute, hunky sailors are gonna jump out of the tankers and visit us onshore!!!

*Wait LONG LONG...........

*Waill..*

I think they should somehow rearrange the whole town planning a bit sial..

Let's study Singapore's map..
This is limpeh's suggestion.




But I dunno lahh.. may not be doable.
Or those places already have numerous tankers.
But if they wanna make Sentosa a ' Phuket', the view needs some working man....
Spilled oil from tankers also stink the water....


I know that Singapore wants to make Singapore more 'happening'.
So, how can they make the Sentosa beaches much more happening despite the limited resources available.

-More parties--- especially rave and fullmoon parties. Thumbs up for ZoukOut.

-No tankers please.

-Thongs on the beach as bikini code.Or monokini.


*yum yum...

-Nude beach is a bit far fetched, but seriously our babes have bodies wayyyy fitter than those in Ozzie, etc.


Even these fatty angmohs go a bit nuder. Plus, the nuder the less tanlines!

-Poster change.....

Forget about kids and family pictures...

Something like this with Real models would make Sentosa damn hoootttt...





Heh.

For the ROCKERS...

Here're some gigs to go to.

o Posted by Hello

Its on the 16th and 30th of May for SKA/EMO/PUNK and IRONMAIDEN tribute respectively.
at Planet Paradigm from 2 pm onwards.
Planet Paradigm is at Dhoby Gaut, opposite Plaza Singapura.

The bands play all day long til late night. and they are pretty good too...
Rock on!!!

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Ad Vid

Greetings people... !!

Today I am showing a video clip instead.
Hee Heeez...

Let my 11 fingers rest.

Since I don't have the proper video hosting yet,

to see me in a stupid Ad clip,

you'd have to
Click here
.
.
.

How to be a Chinese Pop star

This entry is purely MY own personal view on the majorly crappy Asian pop scene.
Eventhough there are some real talents, the majority is filled with annoying bubblegum popsters.
If you judge me upon reading. Fyuck off ! But come back another day k... hehezz...

Anyway.. everyone would like to get famous, aint it?
At the mention of fame, all the bling bling, glam imagery flashes before you.
Now, to get realistic. We are in Asia. Where's the spot to glow at?
S'pore, M'sia, Taiwan, HK, a bit of Thailand and recently China.
So, what are you gonna sing?
Chinese.. and probably a bit of English.

So, how to become a Chinese Popstar?
Somehow, I really meant female Chinese popstar,

First of all, do you have the face?

You have to have a face that looks something like this.

Sweet and cute.



*Yuki in my Mitsubishi..*

You have to have arms that looks like this....


*Jolin has bones plus skin for arms*


Preferably you have legs that look like this.


o Posted by Hello
*the longer the better..old rule applies*

So what skills do you need to have?

As long as you can pronounce A E I O U about right and able to shake your fingers abit at the camera and smile to the broadest you can.
You are there.



*If dont feel smiling like the rest, look solemn also can la..*


Voice.
Nah.. that's not important. We don't care if you fyuckin sound like a quacking duck.
Besides,the recording studios have all the sophisticated electronic equipment and sound engineers to right your pitch and smoothen your cracky shit voice.
So, as long as you make a few sounds, it's owkay lar..
But you must be willing to stuff ping pong balls up for the producer.

Dancing skills.
Eh... in Asia, that's not too relevant also. Forget about learning to dance like Britney.
As long as you can wave hellow, act cute and shake a bit like a moron...

Producer: Can you dance?

Artiste: ah yess yes..

Producer: Lemme see.. Can you pirouette?

Astiste: Err.. What's that?

Producer: Nevermind. What about hip hop? Can you lock and pop?

Artiste: ehh..hmm Yes! I love to sing pop!

Producer: Ok Nevermind. Can you wag your fingers and smile?

Artiste:



*Wag finger and smile the broadest possible.*

Producer: Ok lah will do...



Songwriting skills:


Artiste: Ya ya!! I can write lyrics. I wrote a few about my boyfriends.

Producer: Are you kidding? Dont need la.. If you make many many hits, maybe we'll tell the media you wrote one of the songs ok. Not the hit one of course. Don't worry, for your real lyrics, go put in your blog or something la.. But please keep the blog anonymous, we dont wanna look bad. As in.. we dont wanna seem like we dont know how to choose our artistes. .. Er.. Yah..


Lipsync.

This is damn essential. For your concerts of course.
Dont bother singing.
DOnt worry, the angmohs also cheat a bit one.
And when the media finds out, they'll bitch about you, but hey!
That's even more publication. It's all good... !

*Ashlee also cheat...*

Artiste: But..It's LIVE leh.. I want to SING!!!

Producer: Nahh.. too much to learn ah.. Just practise your lypsinc godammit. Ask so much!You think you what? Singer ah??


English Language skills:

As long you can say..

"I Wouv yiew all! Shank you ..Shank you!" can already.


Interview skills:

Are you kidding? Just be yourself. A moron watever.. the media loves stupid celebrities.
Tell them you think F4 dudes are shaggable but they've got no talent, tell them your grandma just turned 60, tell the media you like to shop in ToaPayoh Central.
Tell them anything you want.
But remember to smile a goddamn lots ok?


So, in all..
Focus on the following:

Smiling, signing autographs and eating nothing but celery everyday.

Flash info: Celery is a negative calorie food. It burns more calorie to heat up and digest than the intake of calorie value of the food itself.
*P/S: this is why at dinners I'd eat one piece of steak, then followed by 3 crates of celeries, positive + negative = zero... Apparently, it doesn's really work for me. Maybe I calculate wrongly.*


However, if you have the voice, dance moves and all the she-bangs.
You probably won't have the luck. So, you won't make it big. Stick to singing in those bloody showers, toilets, KTVs and pubs. Boo Hoo hoo..

__________________________________________

I just finished the Arsenal-Liverpool Match. 3-1!!! YAY!!!

Sorry people, but Liverpool and their inconsistent performance suck balls.

England's biggest bookie Ladbrokes, I realised ..has the most puzzling name.

Lad broke . s. Lads! You go in and bet and you'd go broke! You geddit??!!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Birthdays are weeklong Celebrations

Today I celebrated my birthday again.
In fact, I've been singing myself a Happy Birthday song everyday this week.
Why not right? Got people say cannot meh??

It goes like this:

*clap clap*

""Happy Birthday to me...
You're getting old cant you see..
Saggy boobs, wrinkles and cellulite..
So just go and fly kite.."


Anyway, I am gonna show more pictures before the bullshits are crapped out.

This time we went to Fish&Co before adjourning to play Bishi Bashi Champ and Baby Hero at the arcade..

Dinner was sumptuos, but fishy, very very fishy.

It's so fishy that there's a liddle gold fish at the bottom of DC's glass of water.

Poor dude was petrified.



"DC and the dead gold fish. "

We then kampong-ly took more photoes.






Me and Z, ..............................................DC, me , Shil




Me, Sandy.

*Take photo with this super slim babe must squeeze cheeks in one.

Aye... all my babes are so chio...


Ok laaa.. enough photoes.

Today, I've just decided on a liddle bit of future plans.

We were on the topic of having children.

I realise I am dying to have kids.
I love kids, other people's kids, nobody's kids, little nephews and nieces, all kids.
I want my own kids. Liddle SillyCellies.
However, chances of getting married soon is very slim.
Not only is there the money issue, but there's a bigger bridegroom issue.

So, I've proclaimed to my friends today that once I've become a capable career woman in a few years time with lots of money to spare, I shall head to the sperm bank.

This was decided after much consideration.

We discussed about just picking a cute guy with a pickup line,

" Excuse me, can I buy your sperm???".

Cute guy would give me the "What the Fyuck" look and condemn my presence.

So, Sperm bank it is.

For year one, I will be choosing a sperm from an angmoh.
The baby will have blue eyes, my cute nose and the angmoh's blondeness.

For year two, I will be choosing a sperm from an Afro-American.
The baby will have chocolate skin, my chin and his butt.

For year three, I will choose a Chinese one.
This one I dont really care how the baby looks, as long as he doesn't look like the Ahpek who sells prawn mee.


This way, I can shoot my own Benetton Advertisement. Like how cool.

Now, it's time to think of names.

A distant uncle of mine named his kids:

Trillion, Billion, Gillion and Maxi Million...

I am gonna have to be more creative than him.

Large, Medium and Small will do nicely.
I will never mix them up for their sizes.
They will of course be adopting my surname Lee.

Upon DC's request,
I will be naming the Chinese one :Large Lee.
Angmoh kid is :Medium Lee
and the black kid :Small Lee.

DC has also discovered WHY babies cry at births.
He said that this is copyrighted so I will pay for copyright la.

Here!!!!: @copyright 2005. DC.

Bah...

Well, in case you don't know, at labour, women would be pushing all her might to get the baby out. They will end up pushing on their bowels along with their cervical muscles, etc.
So, they will excrete out faeces during labour.

Babies who are born face down are most jialat.

First thing they see once out of the womb....

Is shit.

And anyhow...It's Smellyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!

so they cry lahh....

Man, I think since our earliest days, we already know that life is full of shits.


Ok ... today's entry abit personal.

To bring it up a notch, next entry will be the long awaited "The Right Member to Hit G".

It is especially concocted for the ladies out there.
For we all deserve a little bit of heaven on earth.

I am going to konk now. Zouk was very tiring today.
Dance RnB must bend knees one to shake butt. My knee caps now exploding.
Basket...

XXXXXXXX

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Eat,Eat, Man, Woman

This entry lists out the foods much loved by the males and and the foods much loved by the females.

It was sprung up from a conversation with my velly adorable good buddie.

Me and DC were eating desserts one fine day after dinner. Eons Ago actually.

We both got ourselves a cone of ice cream with 2 scoops each.

Before I started licking the ice cream for the 5th time, the bugger has finished the hump portruding out of the cone.



ME: Wharr piang leee... you hungry or wat..???

DC: Wat watt...?????? *licking the already concave ice cream top*

ME: Mine like haven even melt yet..

DC: Heheh.. well, you shouldn't be surprised what...., if it was a paddle pop, or those ice creams on sticks, you sure finish waayyy before me..!! *licking somemore*

Me: True lehh.. I don't think you would enjoy it anyway.

DC: Yeah.. give me cone sundaes anytime mann..... *licking and grinning away*

Me: Eh..., can dont look at me when you do that?

DC: Who looking at YOU? Siao! Look at you, all my ice cream freeze lah!
See.. *eyeing the sweet looking girl walking around* ..
The kway chap girl quite pretty hor..

Me: Ocht....k la..


So,

Man, woman, eat different things. Shall we list them?

MALE FOODS:





1. Oysters..

I must say the look and the smell have striking resemblance to_______!!!!

The fact that it is a powerful aphrodisiac is also a BIG bonus.

Most would eat rock oysters raw. They just lurrveee it..

*shrugss...* But, I don't eat things raw..I only do things raw..

And yes, Sydney has some of the best rock oysters..



2. Ice creams:

Not all ice creams are appealing to the men.

Even if it's a sundae.

Strawberry sauce on a sundae dun look so good...

.
.




Err.. kinda remind me of.. er.....

Aiyah.. just dont use strawberry sauce ok?


If it's got two humps and lotsa whipped cream...




Definitely a yes.


For those of you who cannot be torn away from local delicacies,
there are a few Singapore foods to choose from too.

Singapore foods:

Chilli Crabs!!

Eat with hands, no spoons, no gloves.. savour every drop.
Chilli Crab is one of the best things about Singapore!



Tulang

If you dont know tulang, aiyorrrr.. go to the nearest Malay restaurant and eat.
It's so fun to eat. A lot of slurping involved. Make your guys practise!


FEMALE FOODS:


1. Bratwursts.

A Classic.





2. Lollies.

Another classic.



English delicacies:

3.Spotted Dick.




Yep, there's such food and it's delicious.

Undoubtedly one of my favourites during my growing up days in England,
The English Traditional Dessert looks like this...

Yum...



I like..becoz it's sweet, creamy and got lotsa a raisins!! OK!



And now for the local scene....

Singapore foods for Ladies:




1.Goreng Pisang

Local classic.





2. Satays..

Eat from end.. then side.. then end.. like that more fun.
But dont choke..
If too long then sideways.. You should know what to do laa..


Ok la.. now you guys know where to take your men/ladies for dinner.