My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Saturday, April 30, 2005

KL-SIN

Fiday was my last night in KL..

I tried to savour every single endearing moment in the gorgeous Hilton hotel room.

I sniffed every corner..

caressed every inch..

tried every buttons..

Peed many times..

Finished up all the shampoo, cotton buds and shoe shine cream in my creative ways..

And took photoes of my shopping..




MANn.. I was on a freaaking shopping spreeee.

I am broke ...brokee.

The big box's got my birthday cake in it!!!

But there was noone to blow my candles with...hikss

So.. in case it melts before 2nd of May, I took a photo of it..



Happy advanced Birthday SillyCelly you sad asss! Posted by Hello

Umphss..

I put the thoughts away...

Then I went out clubbing...

The Ivy bar then Zeta Bar.. of KL
Chivas got me pretty drunk, but in a nice way..

This is me and Cheryl @Zeta, she's been sucha darling..

Ira's not in the picture.. the lady was drunk too..


*such an artistic photo* Heheh..


Tell u wat spoilt my nightt.. fuckin chi ko peehh..
all around..... a few of them sad arses..
oggling at me like they're all freakin looserrrs..

One of them actually had the nerve to brush his filthy hand against my buttt..
I WAS STEAMING!!
I really would have punched him if he wasnt so oldd.d.
I scared he'll die from my punch.. heh.. farkin stupid old man..

I tell u... if u're overrr 40 and u still trry to get into young girls' pants like that..
You're a freakkking farkin L.O.S.E.R...
You are hum sup chikopeh!! Geddit???
Go Geylang, Batam or KL's Bukit Bintang to get ur gals laaa..
flasshh 20 ringgit.. get all the ass u wann.. u fyucking LOSER!!!!!

And that was my last night...

I concussed nicely on the princess' bed..
I salivated all over it to mark my territory..
Woke up to a sumptuos breakfast and....
before I know it..
it was time to head home...
*sobs..*

The drive back was kinda sad..

When I saw this view....

I started tearing..


Posted by Hello
*Friggin immigration point*

I dun wanna go homee..!!!!!!

I wasn't the only one sad...

See the lil boy....

< *even the lil boy boy in the car in front pities me from his rear window..* Bye bye Malaysia.. Adios Hilton.. Sayonara pee washer...


....

.......


************


When I reached my dinghy-like room in the hostel...

Hiksss. ...more sorrow...

Somehow.. my room is uglier than I used to remember..
Weather is hotter and the bed is not as soft...
heh.. and no LCD screen..
And the toilet.. *sigh...*

Heh.. I can hardly live this way now..

Freakin spoilt already...

Hilton spoilt market!!!

As I sit back and reminisce.. while absorbing reality...
I realised I've learnt a few useful things during the trip.

I've learnt about the different types of men *especially engineers* from different corners of the world.

As it was a global meeting. I met blokes from Japan, Korea, USA, China, Singapore, Germany.. etc etc..

Some are shy, some are nice, some cant wait to get into my pants.. some are just .... losers

So...

Here's the study:

1. Mr Kim Bab of South Korea

The shy gentleman would look at you softly , missing the eye contacts slightly and asked for your name card.

Kim Bab: Err.. ehmm.. do you have.. the name.. er.. name card??
*take out his and pass to you with 2 hands*
This is mine.. Thank you...
*Will glance up and down and smile shyly*

Verdict: Not bad.. quite polite.. shy engineers..

2.Mr. Jiu Ming Ah of China.

He would try to look for your name badge on your chest and then perpetually divert his gaze to
the centre of the chest.

Jiu Ming: SOOoo.. is yoohr neim plo-nounce ass Ma chY?

*Machy my arse.. tsk tsk.. never read name properly right.. were u distracted?? Heh.. sly bugger..where's the Y from ah? HUH? HUH?*

3. Mr. Willy Dick of USA.

He would blatantly stare at your chest and speak as per normal.

Dick: So, I hear the Zouk in KL is good place to chill out. Wanna rock tonight?

Me: No.. I am going to see 'bomoh' to poke needles up your arse mister...

*Urrghh....*

4. Mr Achtung of Germany.

His sharp long noses reminded me of the dracula already.
Let alone when he tried to converse in English..
Dracula with German accent.. sheeshh...
He might be trying to hit on me for all I know.. but I wouldn't know a thing he's saying.

Achtung: Seoww,, yer faine tonichtten mizh, izz ich juzz golerhrmen schoeltat chsooet?

Me: Err.. *big sorry smile* I dont know...

*Always safest to say this.. Really*



5. Unagi-san from Japan.

Unagi-san: So, Haw ol ar yu?

Me: Er.. 23, 24 soon

Unagi-san: Ar yu sing-gal?

Me: Eh.. yes single.

Unagi-san: Ah.. Ai em sing-gal tu!

Me: Err .. So??? What are you like.. 60?

Unagi-san: Ha Ha Ha.. but Ai em be ri yang et hart!

Me: *polite smile* So desu ne..

*Young at heart doesnt mean young performance-wise dude..
just keep playing the scenarios in your heart k.. *


6. Mr.Alibaba from Saudi Arabia.

They are so polite I was surprised. Really not what I thought they were.
You know how they say the blokes in Middle East are like hungry lions.
That's why the ladies had to be covered up top to toe.
But no, they were pretty polite. At least the ones I met.
They would smile, greet you, ask you friendly questions and they wouldn't ask you out.
And it's quite hard to tell if they'd peeped into the cleavage anyway, coz their eyelashes are so bloody thick.

Perfect.

So.. those are the blokes I've come acrosss...

I met Singaporeans too. but I dont have much complaint.



By the way....

I picked up something wacky in KL..




What is this????

Too narrow to be an earphone..

Too small to be a plate scrubber..

Too stupidlooking to be a keychain...

WTF is it??

I've been enlightened..


It's a spectacle cleaner..





Heh...

ok Posted by Hello

Not bad.. my glasses never cleaner....

Friday, April 29, 2005

Crude oil for Crude woman?

Good ol' me is still in KL...

Having the time of my life....




SO... u think I am slacking big time eh?? Posted by Hello

I am not objecting.. but.. it's really..

Not entirely true..

I did put on my suit and pants and go to work in the mornings..







Awww... yes yes.. I got go work...

I got meet lots of oil big shots...

Lemme give you more evidence that I did go work...






See.. got work laa..

Throughout these three days, I have learnt more things about the petrochemical scene:

1. Oil market, crude and all distillates, will increase all the way til 2007. $$$$!

2. Malaysia is facing a shortage of diesel.. more $$$

3. Working for Saudi oil refineries $$$!! But apparently, they wouldnt want me unless I grow a long curly beard.

4. They feed you once every 1 half hour during seminars. So, I gained about 3 kg over the week. Bleugh...

5. Most important thing to be able to present papers in such a global conference is fluent, comprehensible English with not too exotic an accent.
There's this Mainland China presenter who talked about his 'baby', a new refining technology. Material was very interesting. However, we couldnt understand a thing he said.
In the middle of the presentation, he got REALLLY excited..and started blabbering real fast.. he completely forgot about the lazer pointer in his hand. As his speech sped up, he started doing mambo moves with his hands.. His lazer went pointing into everyone's eyes in a frenzy. He was uncontrollable.
We had to 'siam' huehuee.. that was hilarious mannn....

Anyway, past few days.. the vocabulary in my head has been revolving around... aromatics, furnace, benzene, catalyst.. cracking...crude oil.... etc etc..

Poor poorrr engineers.. (including me)..

So, I thought.. man.. how do two Oil Engineers romance each other out??

Engineers' Bedroom scene is then born...

(Warning: If you're not an engineer.. you probably wont geddit.. read Engineering dictionary first)


Hub: *tap wife on the back* O ye Luv, how would you like a turnaround, a soot-blow and then a blowdown.

Wife: *turn around* Have your pipes been serviced darling?

Hub: There was some fouling but maintenance was done.

Wife: Lovely, my valve is about to explode. You're in time for a steam-off.

Hub: The right valve I hope.

Wife: Yesh, butterfly valve. And it's definitely off the right pipe.

Hub: NOt the feed water pipe I hope.

Wife: It's definitely Steam luv, It's 350'C. Hurry!!!

Hub: Here comes the pipe and the T-joint!

Wife: Hold on, have you installed the gaskets?, I know it's auxillary but to be extra safe...

Hub: Oh yes I have, carbon fibre!! not even rubber.. Italian technology.

Wife: Well done.. come vent off my steam.. Aooorrrr...


*Pengzzz*

I dun wan marry an engineer.. damn it, quite a few are cute.

-------------------------------------


In KL horr.....

I tried taking the train to go to the mall..

Surprisingly, the stations were quite empty..




This is lunch time on a bloody Wednesday..

just the tracks and my finger...

Bleugh.. qute scary if you ask me..

I also went to a pub called Palaccio my friend's friend own..

Down Asia Heritage Row.. It's got a funky chair...




5 fingers plus ten more....

Pretty neat huh.. fingers are lovely..

Upcoming: more EYe for an Arse, G-spots and how the gulf war came about..

In the meantime.. I am gonna put on my clubbing gear and get drunk silly tonight.

I may blog when drunk. like the big fuck.. if I can still type by then that is...

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Thursday, April 28, 2005

The Swah-ku in Kuala Lumpur

Bet you didn’t know....

In KL, Hilton and Le Meridien are brother and sister. Side by side.
But Bro Hilton seems to have eaten all of dear sis’ food.
What a geezer.

Here's evidence..



*Hilton & Le Meridien*

POor Meridien sister is half Hilton's size...

But same share owner by the way...

I am to stay at Hilton until the end of week.

I thought to myself, man… I am donating to the Paris Hilton fund.
Shouldn’t she be donating to the SillyCelly fund?
How come world doesn’t go around the way it should?


Heh. Anyway, after the long trip, I was more than glad to arrive at the gorgeous new hotel.

I stepped into the hotel and..

. *gasp*

Corridor…..



Friggin big fer my standard.. can do wall-to-wall handwalk..

And the beds.......



Can't believe I get 2 friggin beds!!!
Can take turn to dirty...

The View...!!
Friggin bird's eye view..



And life is all goodddd.. I tell ya..




*mind my big feet*

42" LCD screeeeen!!!

Like for fyuck's sake.... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont wanna go home!!!!

This bathroom.. mind you.. is bigger than my whole room back in campus...


waittttttttt Posted by Hello ..........................

Ok.. here comes the lavatory...

and its bowl...



The very sophisticated toilet bowl…..!

Oh lala.. check out those knobs.. (I'd say it again: Knobs!!!*grin*)

Knob 1 =

It has a picture of either a butt or raisin-less boobs.
But They can’t mean boobs cant they?

Hmm…..

Maybe a bowl for lactating mothers. But still, it doesn’t make sense.
At least that won’t apply to me.

So, I sat over the bowl and test 1 ..2..3.

Verdict: Alamak! It gives arse massage.. Not bad… !!!!!!!!!

Shiok level: ****

Like Damn.. I can sit here all day.

I want to shit all day.

I do!

Bowels move!!! Bowels move!!! Ohhmmm….


Knob 2:

It has a picture of pink lady on it.

I bet it must be a ladies’ pee washer.

But, hold on a sec.

It’s a friggin clitoris massager too!

Shiok level: **********

Forget about shitting man. I wanna pee all day.

In case you were wondering. Some Jap owns this hotel...

That's why even the toilet bowl is darn kinky.. hahar..



Ah Ah.....

There’s another funky gadget by the toilet sink.
I was preening into the mirror, browsing downwards.. when I suddenly found this black square within the mirror frame.





WTF is this???

I groped around and found this button at the side...

And..

Hubba Hubba…!!!

Another TV!!!!!

A telly by the toilet sink????

This one is like 5 inch but it’s darn cute.

(I’d say it again: 5 inch but darn cute?? *grin*)

*scratch chin*

Why would they put it here?

Next to the sink? Below the mirror….





Then I thought… oh…

So they could puke here over the sink after clubbing and not stain the bed.
Puked next to ‘5” but darn cute’ before? Not me.

Also, there’s the long hair drying session for Rapunzels.
With this mini telly, she can then watch ESPN while waiting for prince charming.
Thus, she could then talk about the footie game during the horse ride back to his palace, comment on the game, on the twists, on Ljungberg’s ass,
earn his ‘Man!! this chio bu rocks!!” points and score!

GOAL!

Back to the telly…

I thought.. ah shit.. now there’re 2 tellies, back in campus not even one.
Hmmphh…
Now now, Which should I watch?

If I watch the small one, I can wash my hands and squeeze my pimples all day, serenaded by MTV.

If I watch the big one, I can lie on my bed, looking like a dead mummy wrapped in terry cocoon, but cheer on Totty Hotspurs! Beat that arse anal!!!!

Choices, choices.

Then it struck me.

I am so fyucking swah ku!!!

Yes, how? I think my dad would be damn ashamed of me.
I am so kampong.
But I hope all the revolting shame I might've caused him would render me an upgrade to platinum card. Yee Hee Hee…

My Birfday comin dadda!!! On Mondaeeeeee.. and I lubb you!!!

Anyway, with all these luxuries, how am I supposed to study for my paper next week??
*This one is major killer paper too!!*

I seriously had this sudden rush of sloth.

*I knoe.. I knoe.... What’s new..??*

But I think my inherent sloth has increased a few levels.

I took long baths and lay dead for 90% of the time.
.
.
.




Yes Posted by Hello

Happily dead..

Ta daaa..... buenas noches everyone..

xxx

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Sports that tickle..

OMG, I am in KL...

I have sooo much to tell..
but I havent uploaded the photoes yet...

hehezz.. So..I'll jus post an overdue entry..

I'll tell you about KL soon.. Oh my... I cant wait!!!!

Anyway,....


A few days ago, I went jogging.

Surprised?

I was too...

I was flabbergasted.

Stoned.

Whacked.

Knackered.

Dead.

I was never a jogger, I was once strictly a 100m sprinter and a long jumper.

(I know I knoww.. you must be thinking how to jump far with short legs like mine.. but in actuality, I could do that cycling-in-the-air thing.. according to my coach anyway.. )

Seriously man.. if all the high/long jumpers have bodies made of legs only..

What's jumping?

Define jumping!

It's become walking over a stick or walking across a sand patch.

Name of the sport should be SandPatchJayWalk, PoleCrossing or something.

These jumpers should unfailing own short legs to test their real jumping skills and not capitalise on their leg's lengths. Correct anot???? NO???

Arrrhh...

I still remember the days i had to do Sec School's cross country.

Fren: Girl, you made it to the 2.4 km finish line.

Celly: Yeah I know. Hehe..

Fren: But!!!! I saw you on SBS bus just now.

Celly: Yeah I know Hehe..

Fren: What do you mean Yeah he he? You cheated!

Celly: No I didna, I finished my 100m sprint, the rest ain't my job.

Fren: ..............


This event proved that, not only do I not step into other's territory,
I am also task focused to the max! I stick to my role and do not negotiate.

I've always thought jogging is boring anyway.

Left.. Right.. left.. right.. left ..right... left... right..

Boo....Ring....Bo.....Ring....Bo....Ring...Bo..ring..

Gimme badminton anyday mann..

I fell asleep jogging once... So boring.

I also once tried jogging with my best babe Jac but we ended up bitching and goin for teh peng at FongSeng.

I completely fail in the jogging area.


But then again, a few days ago. I went jogging.

I must've been crazy. Isnt' it.
Not like I have all the time in the world.
Not with papers coming up.
So if you thought that I mustve jogged because of cute guys,
you're quite right.. har harrr...

Jogging Session Results:

1. I whined like a donkey as I jogged:

Diagnosis:
This is something I can never comprehend.

When I hit the clubs/rave parties/mambo
- from 10pm to 3am in Singapore
-or 10pm-6am then 6am-11am overseas,
non stop gyrating and
jumping,
raving,
dancing,
shouting,
swearing,
shaking,
a LOT of Cardio exercise basically.

NO PROBLEM!

Lungs, my pair of them, as good as hell, as black but as powerful, as intact!

In fact, I always felt so rejuvenated afterwards.
Completely refreshed.
High in the sky!
And smashed drunk of course.
This temporary awakening sometimes
managed to give me the much-blessed post party joys.

BUT!!!

When I jog, my lungs will shrink into the size of petit pois.
It's almost as if the thought of jogging itself has shrivelled dear lungs away.
SO, they turned out to be not quite as fit as I thought for a 45 minutes jog.
And that's not even shiong enough by NUS midnight jogging geezer standard.

After 15 minutes, I started whistling through my nose.
It just sounded ridiculous, but I couldnt stop it.
That was the only way I could breathe.
It was embarrassing to jog with two fit guys..
if you sound like an asthmatic donkey having sex.

." Heee..Orr..HEeee..Orrr..HEEKKK... Hee..Orrh.. Eeghh..Orhh"

What a turn off. Or a turn on. Whichever.

At first, I thought the latter, but It didn't happen.
Despite the regular pantings and hushings.
The low breaths, the husky throat clearing.
The "Oh god, jogging makes sexy noises"...

NOPES!

Unsexy. Whatever.

It was a donkey jogging as far I know.


2. Next two days cannot climb stairs.

I seemed to lose some ligaments. The ones that used to help me bend my knees and lengthen my hemstrings. I may have dropped them along the way back from FongSeng during jogging.

Heh.


My hemstrings pulled. Yeah. I have some.
And they got abused by one fyucking jogging session,
LOUSY!!!!


3. Now Ad the Great finally believed that I've completed my 1.6km in Primary School and my friends have increased their level perception of my sportiness.
I actually am very sporty. They never see only.
I also hardly see. But when I see, I know I am sporty. ^^

---- ___-------


So, that's my year long worth of jog.
I am going back to clubbing, breakdancing, rollerblading and badminton.
The only allowed jogging is on the treadmill, with aircon, muscly men and mirror. HaHA!!


A few friends were concerned about my well-being.
Actually a pair of them.

Me: I went jogging a few days ago!

Jac: No shit...

me: No shit..

Jac: You suree????? You lost a bet or what??

Me: Really larrrr... with Benson and Ad.

Sham: That's good !! Bloody Jolly Good!

Me: But... I cant take it la.. jogging's not for me.. Can you suggest me something else?

Jac: Briskwalking la.. you like to shake your bootylicious ass ...

Me: You know I got slapped in the arse often.. no!

Sham: Badminton? You can whoop their asses for hours..

Me: Yeah.. but very hard to find kaki...

Sham: Then just watch Debbie Does Dallas for hours.

Me: I could do that..

Jac: Wait wait.. I mean.. immitate her also or somelike..

Me: But..all the way?

Jac: Cardio exercise lady! Constant workout!

Me: ME Arms Gonna Drop offf babe....

Jac: Change!.. left.. right...

Me: Uhh.....Can I just..." __*^%$__ "..?

JAc: No! That's cheating..

Me: Bleugh...

Jac: That's why.. go find boyos..
Find fat fat ones even better coz you do all the work...

Me: Dowan... I believe in emancipation of the females. Equality!
Tit for Tat.

Jac: Lucky number is 69 ah..

Me: Told you. Save time. Equality.

Sham: Anyhow, how was library? any new cute guys?any flirting?

Me: Nah.. wouldnt call that flirting...

Sham: Call WHAT flirting?

Me: John threw paper balls at my head and tried to stick pokky up my nose and ears.

Jac: That's sweet. So secondary school.. but sweet.

Me: Poke my nose with strawberry pokky stick? Sweet my pert arse..

Sham: Well, he likes to poke things into your crevices..

Me: And of all crevices, my nose....

Sham: Well... To start with..

Me: Maybe in a century's time he'll get it right...

Sham: Hehe..



__________________________


Ok.. I have to go to work liao... har harr...

xxx

Monday, April 25, 2005

An Eye for my Arse 2

I dunno if you peeps watch channel 5's Eye For A Guy.

I didn't bother watching the full series the last time around coz I thought that TV shows here were mostly crap lame shits, that and because I dont have a telly.

Speaking of TV, I would love to host Funny V Shows or act in comedies!!!
AAARRRHHHHHH!!!!!
Too bad to be on TV here, they have minimum height and arm diameter requirement.
AAARRRHHHHHHH!!!!


OK, back to An Eye for a Guy, I have been informed that Denise Keller is the next babe to be wooed over.

AND Denise is a complete babe!

I also want to oggle!!!




*Nose bleeeddd...*


So, who do you think deserves her?
There are 10 guys who are willing to ride the waves for her.
We shall study them one by one.

To make the whole commotion more interesting.
I am inviting AUNTCELLY to co-host this entry.




I hope you already know the old fart by now.
Please get acquainted first if you don't.

I've invited her as she seems older and wiser (read: SEEMS!).
Plus, she's got a whole lotsa of fyucked up shits in her head too.
So, there you go..

The Special AUNTCELLY and SillyCelly talk show on:
Eye for a Guy 2.

AUNTCELLY: Siao Char bo, what are we doing tonight?

SillyCelly: Auntiee.. I am so happy you're here! We're discussing the poor blokes going for Denise's arse.. eh I mean heart.. in the TV Show, Eye for a Guy 2.
Eh wait.. *grope around and adjust AUNTCELLY's bra cup*...
Can see your sillicon padding popping out laa..

AUNTCELLY: hehe.. Thanks... the darlings look awesome eh?
Anyway...So, this show is called...
Eye for a Guy? What kind of title is that? Why only give the eye? All these for an eye? HEH? Ohhh.. that eye.... Ok ok.. Siao.. so dirty one!

SillyCelly: *blur* Heh.. okay.. Aiyah, let's just check out the guys, mai thu liao..

This is guy number one:

Arron Chong




*both of them tilt head to left adoringly...*

AUNTCELLY: Ehh.. looks like the boy boy I pa tho with when I was in sec 2 leh..

SillyCelly: You got go school one meh?

AUNTCELLY: Eh.. dont be rude little missy.

SillyCelly: Arr.. sorry.. so was the boy boy cute?

AUNTCELLY: haizz.. yeah..very boy boy cute.
So nostalgic, looking at this Arron. Hmm....
I am drowning..
Look at that smile!
Sunshiny and sincere.... and...
He looks like he's about to sell me vaccum cleaner.

SillyCelly: Hahahhaa.. Oh.. the boy boy was a vaccum cleaner salesman ah?

AUNTCELLY: No larr.. he used to vaccum my house once a week. But when my folks were out, he would vaccum me instead. No extra charge.

SillyCelly: Arghh.. So, you think this Arron guy will win Denise's heart?

AUNTCELLY: Aiyorrr.. I don't know yet.. let's see what he's said in his interview.

***Arron's Q & A Session...

Q: Why should Denise pick you?
A: Coz in a way we can relate to each other on a deeper level

****

AUNTCELLY: Deeper level? Tsk tsk.. the young boys nowadays.

SillyCelly: I think he meant spiritually or emotionally la auntiee..

AUNTCELLY: Yeah yeah.. what else did he say?

***Arron's Q&A Session:

Q: What is your greatest achievement?

A:Being able to put my leg over my head. Muahaha***


AUNTCELLY: Oohh Lalala.. he can vaccuum my house anytime.

SillyCelly: Wah.. auntie..

AUNTCELLY: Wadd wadd.. I still got a lot of Karma Sutra techniques to test and verify. All the past blokes ended up in hospital. This boy boy should have no ploblem.

SillyCelly: I seee, so you reckon he's got a big chance with Denise?

AUNTCELLY: Ah.. yah yah.. but I also dun mind.. *shameless giggle*...
Ok ok..before I stat visualising.. let's see more yandaos.

Guy number two:

Howards Shan Lo.






AUNTCELLY: HHhmmmm...

SillyCelly: He's actually way cuter in the video. Very chatty lil fella too... I kinda like him actually..

AUNTCELLY: I dunno lehh.. reminds me of my insurance agent.

SillyCelly: Arrghh.. don't tell me you screwed him too.

AUNTCELLY: No larr..almost only. His wife was like a bloody limpet.
I like to take my time.

SillyCelly: Eh this cute dude is Americano horrr...

AUNTCELLY: I dont like that American twang laa.. so annoying.. reminds me of SPGs.

SillyCelly: Different laaa. this one is oliginal hor..

AUNTCELLY: Watever.... so what did Howard have to say?

***Howard's Q&A Session:


Q:How many serious relationships have you been in?

A:For my definition of serious, I would say three. All back in the US. Maybe it’s time to have a serious relationship in Singapore and then find out what it’s like to be dumped by a Singapore girl.

******

AUNTCELLY: *sigh..*... Haven't even gone for war, anticipate losing liao..
lucky he not with SAF.


***Howard's Q&A Session:

Q:What kind of woman are you attracted to?
A:Independent, good sense of humour, sarcastic, opinionated, quirky, and unique. Not the high-maintenance girl.

******


SillyCelly: Auntie, I don't think you're his type liao. You need very high maintenance.

AUNTCELLY: Ayee.. more stingy men. I thought only S'porean men stingy. Siao liao.


***

Q: What is your favourite pickup line?

A: *Spill drinks on a girl's top*..“Oh sorry that shirt wasn’t too expensive, was it?”

***********

AUNTCELLY: JIA LAT!!! Stingy man CANNOT buy her Prata blouse still want to spoil!!!!

SillyCelly: Arrhh.. yarrr.. quite jia lat...


****

Q: Why should Denise pick you?
A:Because I’m like a freshly-baked cream puff and the other guys are day old burned bread.

*****


AUNTCELLY: Very cocky horr those Amelicans.

SillyCelly: He's so intriguing. Like he said, he's like a cream puff... tough and crispy outside, but soft, mushy and white inside.

AUNTCELLY: White? In Amelica cannot go tanning meh? I tot in Baywatch...

SillyCelly: Dunno.. however I think he seems feisty..

AUNTCELLY: Actually..I don't think the other guys are gonna like this one. A bit on the cocky side..So Denise may not like him. But for sake of olskool TV twists. You'll never know ..

SillyCelly: I think we shall review just the first two for the day.

AUNTCELLY: Yeah.. I late for my massage appointment. Tantric one.

SillyCelly: Haha... alright. We have got 8 more guys to go.. 2 Indons in it too!!

AUNTCELLY: Happy la you.. , boysurfing again..But your pimples.. tsk tsk..time to get laid la you..

SillyCelly: But mom told me to meditate instead.

AUNTCELLY: Ahhh.. get laid pimple clear faster.. Anyway.. you can meditate meh? You sure start day dreaming after 5 mins....
Better clear your pimples lar.. Else hor..
Next time they might charge you for using up the make-up artist's foundation.

.. Ok ok.. til next time then..


*muah muah..* kiss right cheek, left cheek...


_________________________________________

Stay tuned for the next reviews...

To check out their full interviwe videos and read their proper unabridged profiles.
click here.

I am going to KL NOW!!! Got a Digicam wiv me!!! =)

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Guide to the Right Member

Oh goattt. my paper sucked..

But, anyway.. here is

AuntCelly's marvellous tips for the ladies, as promised.


AUNTCELLY's Special Guide to " The Right Member"


This entry is solely dedicated to the ladies and boys who love boys.
And of course nosy lads who'd like a double check.

So, how do you predict the ideal member?

Ok, let's make it slightly clearer,

How do you predict the size of a bloke's genitalia?

This could be useful for those who wish not to fall in love with Mr Wrong-in-the-End.

--Think Samantha Jones of SATC who cried over her much adored cocktail-gherkin-boy friend. Quite tragic.*She's my heroic bitch by the way!*

So, today AUNTIE here shall analyse each method, discus and conclude, therefore clear the myths.

There are a few methods you can adapt to do this.
Some are traditional, some are conventional, some are practical,
but none of them is 100% accurate.

So, to prove your hypthesis and be REALLY REALLY sure , you'd definitely have to investigate the specimen fully. Eye-to-eye. *ur eye to its eye*
When measuring, ensure that you start from the base. And use the centre of the circle (approximately is a circle) as your datum. Use a bloody ruler, not just gauging from a distance. Parallax error can be damaging.

Methods of predicting:

1. There's the classic " Tall guy Short guy" Rule







The Tall guy rule as clearly depicted in the picture, concludes that tall guys having mini wonkas.








The Short Guy Rule as clearly depicted in the picture, concludes that short guy has long john silver.


AUNTIE's Verdict:

NOT ACCURATE AT ALL!!!!!
Short , tall , short, long.. no pattern whatsoever. So, this is a myth.


2. The Calves Rule:






The Calves Rule concludes that blokes with fat calves have thick wonkas.

AUNTIE's Verdict: 80% ACCURATE. Can gif him chan larr..


*chan: chance

3. The Fingers Rule






The Finger Rule concludes that length and thickness of bloke's fingers are proportional to his wonka's statistics.

AUNTIE's Verdict:
Length wise : Complete Bullshit.
Thickness wise: 70% accurate. Whatever tickles you fancy.



4. The Finger Fold Rule.





The Finger Fold Rule concludes that the gap between his tip of his folded finger and the wrist (labelled as x) is inversely proportional to his wonka's length.
i.e small gap = long, big gap = short.

AUNTIE's verdict : 90% accurate. Go check your male friends' ones now. And start shortlisting.



Disclaimer:
The above mentioned theories were derived from terribly pathetic amount of sample.
Therefore, should any discrepancies arise (your view/experience/evidence).
AUNTIE shall not be held liable.



____________________

****

There will be a part 2 to this.
Called: :" The Right Member to hit G"

It shall discus about the importance of length, thickness and shape.



Stay tuned... AUNTIE is currently conducting research.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

GOd of Grumblers: Casino, mio Carino

Gentleman... Start your engine....

The CasinoS are coming to town!!!!!!!!

Eh Solly Solly.. IRS coming to town!!

Ah shit.. the last S shouldnt be caps. Sounds wrong.

Let's try again.. THE IRs are coming to town!!!!!!

*Sing a happy song*

IR is of course Integrated Resort.

Am I excited?

Mann... for the casinos definitely!

Like.. wahahaha.. now we don't have to get on 6 hour trip to Genting to waste our money away anymore!

The money rubbish bin is gonna be nearer than we thought!

However, ALAS, we'd have to pay to get in. A hefty 100 buckaroos.Yes, PRs also.
Hmm.. with 100 bucks I can go Genting too..or Batam.. or win on mahjong table liao..
hmmm.. how how...
Are they discouraging us from gambling?

Why lidat leh??

Reason 1:

We're not highclass enough to waste money with the angmohs?
Coz we don't eat smelly cheese is it?
We eat other smelly things like stale tofu whorrr..
We also quite smelly what...
Pweasee hor.. I know so many hitchiking angmohs who are poorer than my goldfish (if i had one), they live off government grants and sleep in bags everyday.
Why these geezers then dun nid to pay 100 bux leh?
Orhhh... Coz they cant afford is it?? I geddittt...


Reason 2:

So so... We must pay 100 bux before losing more $$$ and the Japs dont need harrr..???
Is it coz we don't eat enough puffer fish? Man.. those Japs are suicidal, kamikaze-trained people !.. They are willing to die for a piece of fish meat.
And that makes them more honourable than US?
We are willing to die for a piece of nothing leh.. that's right. Nothing. How honourable!
Our foods somemore got no MSG. Let alone dying from eating, we don't even wanna lose hair.
So bloody smart!

Reason3:

Coz they dont want us to lavish money away on the roulletes or slot machines?
Lavish?? What lavish??
We're donating money to dear government on top of tax leh.. why they worry??
Not like we're gonna spend all our savings on a game of Black Jack. You know Singaporeans.
One loss at a bet and they start counting the number of char kway teows they could have bought with it.

Reason4:

Ehh.. I wont be surprised that there will be a huge influx of INDON gamblers!
Hereith come the Misters Wijaya-Susilo-Sutanto-Wateverya-Wateverlo-Wateverto.

Them and all their glaring, flashy bling blings, ten cars, ten condoes, ten restaurants, ten wives, ten farms all to be given away.
So WHY are we NOT encouraged to win those MULAHs over?
The government is worried that Singaporean men may be so inspired by them and start adopting Indon rich MTF BASTARDS's lifestyle where they collect 29 concubines harrr...???!!?
(One for each day of month, first day of month: rest day, February Leap year is turn around time and for months with 31 days, one unlucky bitch gets to be screwed again)

.. Haiyohh. ...Singaporean men wont one la..

So henpecked...
So un- horny..
So stingy...
For them.." One is gou ma fan*!" .......
*(Enough hassle)

Plus, there's always the law. A.L.I.M.O.N.Y is a tabooo word for Sporean men!
Poor Indon wives don't have the priviledge.



Reason5:
Moral issues!!
Wad moral issue? We're just buying chips lehh.. it's like buying... chips! Potato ones.
Sama sama...


Please let us gamble larr..



OK OK! Enough on why WE were discriminated.
Sheesh.. self discrimination.

NOW!!

TIME FOR TIPS ON HOW TO WIN/CHEAT $$$ IN THE CASINO HAR HARRRRR........

Slot machines:

Yes yes.. those jackpot thingies with fruits pictures on.
Overseas they've got pictures of naked ladies on the jackpot machine.
But here, you wait long long...
Maybe got durians pictures instead.

Slot machines are programmed to give a pay-out after a certain time limit.
They are not exactly regular but there's only so much space to keep the coins.
So, the sensors will activate when it's getting too filled up.

There's a special key to access most of these machine. But it's quite unlikely that you have one.
Unless you steal them from the casino supervisors. (Not recommended)
This key if plugged in and turned rightway, will tell you exactly how much money is left in the coin tube. Shown in the digital display.

Most machines in UK store up to 500-1000 pounds in total. They have a storage tube and a working tube. It's a bit hard to judge how much is in the storage tube.
So it's still a little tricky.
You can't guess for sure that the storage tube is full.
But basically, what's in the storage won't come out through your winnings.
Thus, only if the working tube is full, some blessed coins might come out from the working tube.

But then again, storage tube can only store so much.
It will start solely filling the working one after some time.
I wouldnt know how much coins the machines here can actually store.
But after a few key-trials, you will have your rough gauge.
So, if the value is high, or almost full, it's 60-80% almost pay-out. Better chance.

If you don't have the key. (most likely).
Peer diagonally through the gap at the side of the glass screens.
and check out how high the coin level is.
(Need a lot of training, but the coin tube is there somewhere).

Also, watch out for geezer who've been stuffing coins into the jackpot machine all day and looks like he's about to kill himself for losing so much.
Stand behind him, give encouragement, cheer on him til he's stuffed all his money in.
If still no pay-out. Mount the bloody stool and start your game.

Black Jack and other card games:

Seriously horr.. there're all the statistics shits to prove that it's bloody impossible to win at a gambling table.
So, if you've won the first few times around. Leave the bloody place.
Unless of course, you've masterred the cheats.
This, I cant impart fully else everyone starts winning, I how to win?

Watch God of Gamblers la..

Or sleep with the dealer.


Roulette:
Also known as apartment building game coz people
will stack their chips tall-tall all over the numbers, looking like apartments.

Heh.. Is it so hard to guess a bloody colour?
red or black?
I don't think so lehh...

You know that the probability of hittin red/black is 0.5.
So, choose both la.. then got probability 0.5 +0.5 =1 mah..
Ok, thats me being a moron...

This is the real tip:

The ball is normally metal (unless they've gotten clever and changed it to plastic)

SO. Bring a magnet !!(strong one).

This will be used to direct the metal ball.

Only use it when the ball is about to stop,
else it'll start flying into the next sugarmomma's cleavage.

From here.. use your mighty judgement and steering skills.
Think of... hmmm... fishing.
Pull at the right time, at the right strength, at right angle... using the magnet.
So, if it's about to hit red, make it go to the next one. Angle! Angle!

If it's near your number, attract attract....
to the right, to the left, it's like fishing a trout,...
or driving a Daytona car race.

I am certain you know what to do right?

But do it discreetly,
dont carry those big big magnets taken off your electric generator.
Also dont bring a compass lahh.. alamak..!
Best is to bring an electro magnet.
Only activate when you need to.
This will prevent you from attracting anything metallic near you.
This could be hazardous. Eventhough it would be cool to attract some Piaget watches.
But, just play safe la..
The Piaget owner may have bodyguards.


Disclaimer: If you failed to cheat or got arrested for lame trials. Dont blame me.
I am just a helpful citizen. One overloaded with bullshits.

Miscellanous gambling cheats:

Mahjong:
I have a long story on how to cheat on a mahjong table.
It's base on real-life experiences. Proven. We bought home stereo system, 3rd hand car and a fish tank with the winnings, in England. But.. I shall impart more bullshitty knowledge when I've more time...
So I am gonna save it for next time.

Hehehhehee.....

Stay Tuned.. !!!!

XXXXX

Friday, April 22, 2005

OH LA LA. LA.. Liddle Miss got knocked up

NONO!!!

That's not really what I meant.

What I meant was.. that a RWEEEELLLY nice reader Andy has given me an early birthday prezzie. I am so happy..

I'll show you!!!




He has done 3-D-ed version of the hideously pink Liddle Miss of me.
SEE! She got knocked up into a fluffed up version!




He also did the pimply version. Like how thoughtful!

Aiyohh.. OK OK... Back to studying and rehosting pics.. godamit!


__________________________

Celly's own lesson of the day:

Never make a guy choke during lunch.

Me: I want some of your veggie.

Guy: Take lar..

Me: You want some of my liao? I got tofu.

Guy: Ok.. *guy takes tofu*

**end of meal**

Me: How now?

Guy: Wad?

Me: Ni3 Chi1 Wo3 Dou4 Fu3 liao!!! ....

Guy: *Choke**Choke**....

Die liaoo.. How lidat... I fail big time lehhh...

no wonder I've got not much lunch dates..

HAr HAr..........


___________________________________


In library horr...

people like to post motivating notes in front of them.
Some of my friends even quoted famous Chinese poems.
So Cheem that I didnt know how to read them.. downwards or left to right..

So, I came up with my own poem today.

MY FIRST CHINESE POEM EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here Goes....

Duo1 Du2 Duo1 Zhi1

Duo1 Zhi1 Duo1 Wang4

Duo1 Wang4 Duo1 Ben4

==>> Duo1 Du2 Duo1 ben4!

I think horrr. no wonder I can't study hard ... Ha Ha!

I kinda adapted it from a postcard I saw in Oxford, but it was in English.
So I guess rating in originality is kinda sucky...

If only I have Chinese writing software though, would be awesome.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

To be Woman to be man to be

This entry is inspired by a conversation during a stroll back from Fong Seng to campus.

Actors: Benson (cute archer), Jac (cute babe), Me(cute shit)


Benson: I'm going Korea leh.. in May.

Me: Wharr.. for plastic surgery ah? Your nose ok what..

Benson: No larrr. stupid.. for archery

Me: Ah.. can bio girls there then..

Jac: Beware of Korean girls hor.. they all look the same..

Benson: Heh..

Me: Yah.. they all come from same factory one. Can go doctor choose nose number 1, 2,3..
All nose shapes there are moulded from famous artistes you know?!! !.. You want Won Bin's?

Benson: Heh.. sure anot..

Me: Really lahh.. so you may start thinking, ' how come you see this one girl all the time, and you'd go: "must be fate!!".. ' , so before you disillusion yourself, momma here is telling you that they're different girls. It's like the culture there to change your nose and stuff. It's cheap too!

Jac: Why cheap leh?? Tok kok..

Me: Coz so many plastic surgeons there mah, competition high, so prices drop mah... confirm... warr my econs quite zai..
Actually... You should go Thailand. Must be even cheaper there.

Jac: Yeah.. then you can have sex change also.

Me: I should go there change my face or something hor.. quite fun

Benson: Siao.. then you come back looking like bapuk..

Jac: Yeah.. and if you go Thailand for face change.. they may give you a free gift also.

Me: Hehehehe.. a cock ah.. ?!!?

Jac: Yeah! Attached at the right place too! Wouldnt that be great?!!!??

Me: YAY!!!! *cheering wildly*... I wont need MEN anymore!!!!

LALALALALLAAAA.....

*suddenly, I stopped cheering and started wailing*

NO NO NO!!!! CANNOT!!! &*((^^%&!!!!!

Jac: Eh.. why why?

Me: Wrong Orientation la dei !!!!!!

Jac: Alamak.. true la.. cannot DIY. At least can be a les and save up on strap-ons.

Me: Dowannnnn....dowannn......

Benson: Siao Char booooossss...

Jac: Why you wanna change your face in the first place??

Me: To make myself look more docile maybe?
The guys I chase all pee in their pants

Jac: Aiyorrrr.. it's not the face lorr.. it's the whole package!

Me: I'd have been happier if they'd cum'd in their pants instead actually

Jac: Arrhhh..


*bio: oggle at

*zai: powerful

*bapuk: trannies

*siao char bo: crazy girl


Disclaimer: Conversation has been altered slightly. Abridged version.

****************************

I am not going fo a sex change or any miscellanous genital addition.
I am gonna rightfully stay a woman and savour every drop of it.
I am also gonna stay exactly the way I am.
Don't care if the ball-less blokes wet themselves.

Today horr.. I know I should be burying myself in my Automation notes (exam on Monday) to make up for loss time yesterday and today.
(dinner + mambo +flirting+more mambo + sleep+ hangover recovery time (very long)).
But since Mr Joel refused to make me a lil Miss SillyCelly.
I went to make my own.

Warning: Damn fyucking ugly.





* Wahahhaa.. complete with pimples siaaaahh...
I still dunno what I should be holding in my hand..
Can you recommend something?*


Update on AUNTCELLY:

The old fart, young at heart, is now slacking away.
She has not much problems to solve and has started to take up knitting.
Though she complete sucks at it.
Worse still, she's started having disgusting, illicit thoughts on her fat bulldogs and old, wrinkly neighbours. Hence, please save her and give the old byatch more problems.

Her most recent accomplishment was a guide especially meant for the ladies, which will be published very very soon. So ladies take note!! It's a MUST read!

To check out her ultimate ability in solving difficult problems.
Check AUNTCELLY's time.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Pwease Be Kind to Animals..

Didja know??

That... The Zoo in Singapore has one of the widest variety of animals??

That... The Singapore night safari is not any less remarkable?

That... they share the animals in both places..

Therefore........

Didja know ....

That the animals need to work DOUBLE SHIFTS????

am- at the zoo,

pm-at the night safari..

Yeah, bo pian what.. how many sabre t0oth tigers can Spore afford.. bo pian must double shift
(* ok.. sabre tooth dun have.. tigers got...)

But that explains why the animals are always sleeping whenever you visit the Zoo isnt it?
Poor beastly things have to work all day.

It's almost like each is opening a 7-11 all by themselves. Heh.

Let's see some konking geezers..



EH!!!! STOOPIDD RACCOOONN!!!
Hehe.. actually looks damn cute horrr.r.. kuchee kucheeee*tickle*...
Will he fall off the tree if I tickle him?? So fun!





EH!!! You think wat? Ozzie ah? There you can sleep all day lah..
This is Singapore dei! We work round the clock one!





I think for the exceptional case of this Atlantic seal....
a bit bo pian horr.. must be the darn jet lag..

Sheesh man.. his sleeping position cant be more hideous !
Like that shiok meh? He looks like he's doing yoga actually..


SOOOO...
All these evidence of low motivation at work has raised the need to well-treat these animal workers in the organisations.
Therefore certain measures need to be observed and adopted to maintain harmony in the zoo and increase each animal's job satisfaction.
This includes:

1. The encouragement for them to embrace diversity:
(They should appreaciate one another's strength (e.g licking skills, tick-eating skills), and disregard the differences such as the fact that some are hairy, some are spotty and some are fyucking ugly (e.g hippo, yak),
therefore the lions won't eat the deers, tigers won't eat their keepers)


2. The increase of trust, therefore inducing higher co-operation:
(taking turn to sleep to effectively achieve both customer's satisfaction and sufficient resting time)


3. The increase of Emotional Intelligence, therefore the increase of each animal's self confidence:
(so that the boars won't think they are fugly creatures and let themselves get bullied by the evil lions and be made fun of in Disney's cartoons).

An appropriate example:






4. The setting of equal rewards.
(If the tigers get New Zealand sirloin steak, SO SHOULD THE ostriches!! Look at how thin they've become!! Bloody unjust zookeepers!!!




*Dey call me anorexic, I'm really not,
I dun even have energy to keep my eyes open and stay upright..hmmpph..*


5. The importance of learning imperative.
Yes, these animals must learn how to adjust in the ever changing world,
This world is getting more hi-tech!!!
I just received email from an overseas bitch the other day. Quite impressive huh.


6. The ever-readiness to face the ever-changing world.
(They must be aware that if they keep sleeping on their job, we might replace them with battey-operated duracell bunnies, howling tigers and drumming pandas). Therefore, buck up fellas!!

Message to the public: So , now you know why these animals are actually trying to look all cute for you in the zoo, but can't.
Be kind to them and pass them hongbaos so that they can run off one day.


*bo pian: no choice
*hongbaos: red packet with $$ in it.

Ok.. I am going mambo now.

Here's me before heading out...



TATA!! have a good day and be kind to animals!!

No iPod, I got iKia..=P

It seems like studying in the library has given me low morale.
It's not just about the fact that everyone else seem to be congesting their brain with explicit knowledge, and me with more bullshits to blog about.
But also the fact that they have such cool gadgets to study with.

They seem to be well equipped with the coolest iPod, mini iPod or CreativeZen.
Me leh?

I realised that I've exhausted my money supply by procuring ...mostly shoes and booze.
So.. no mulah to get iPod laaarrrr..
I was initially so depressed.

But then, I thought of a revenge.

________________________________________

Event description:

Venue: Library

John took out his iPod, showed us its nice silver backside, ya dah ya dah..
plugged the earphones in and started bouncing to the music.

Heh.. show off...

So, I took out my iKia.





Heh.. so I plugged the earphones in and started scratching.

Me: John, I also have..

John: Heh...

Me: See these metal earpieces on my iKia?
Better sound conductor than your stupid plastic one. Don't believe? Go check the Materials Engineering textbooks.

John: Heh.. right.. then what's that dangly bit in blue.

Me: That's the remote la.. cute right? Buttons damn compact

John: Heh.. sure anot..*came over and checked*..

*Then he smashed my head into Jac's*

Arrrrhh...


_______________________________________


Alrite.. that was really pathetic.
I have no iPod.

So, I am repenting. I am not gonna buy another pair of shoes this year.
Even if it's on sale. Hmm.. perhaps unless it's 70% off.

I think it's a girl's weak quirk laa.. this shoes craze. wat to do?

The items on my shopping list now are:

1. 40GB portable hard disk
--- Can store whole series of Pornucopia, South Park and Ali G.

2. Digicam (3-4 mega pixels enough)
--- So that I can take better pics and stop borrowing others'.

3. New handphone, equipped with mp3 player, radio and camera
--- Coz it's I like all the 3 in ones, 5 in ones, watever..


Forbidden items on the shopping list are:

1. Sneakers

2. Heels

3. Boots

4. Slippers

5. Slingbacks

5. Pumps

6. whisky

7. sherry

8.whisky

9. sherry

10.absinthe

********

*Groan...*

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Man Eater Not

There seems to be some misconceptions regarding the very harmless, docile and kind hearted SillyCelly. (bwahahhaa..)

Below is a lousy proof.

_________________________________



This was a conversation at the library last Friday:

Alfred : So, where're you going now that the library is closed?

Me: Study some more lorr.. YIH study rooms.

Benson: Yeah.. that one opens 24 hours.

Alfred: Huh? Benson, you going with Celly to YIH?

Benson: *shrugs* I guess so...

Alfred: Huh ? Just two of you? You not scared ah?

Me: Eh, what's your problem ah? Simi sai?

Alfred: Eh Benson! You better belt up, roll up your pants and wear extra lai kho.. heh... You want borrow my FBT shorts?

Benson: Har har..

Me: Knn..


**lai kho = underpants

***********

I so jia lat one meh?

There must be some serious misconceptions about me out there.. tsk tsk..

I used to think it's impossible to rape a bloke anyway.
But apparently, a friend of mine wisely informed that you CAN.

I am like..: If sail not up, how to go sailing?

* So, he taught me a trick *

Wise friend: Poke his kha-cheng la...

Me: HEH?? Serious?

Wise friend: The G spot is then not far off. Find it and poke hard hard.
The sail will be up in to time. You can sail to Madagascar.

Me: Arghh.. so much hassle, feed him oyster can anot.

Wise friend: Cannot. Oyster dun sail.

Me: But kha cheng so yucks.. what if he ate kangkong?

Wise friend: Aiyah.. want to rape anot?

Me: Dowan... yucks..

*************


** kha cheng = ass hole

Verdict: Celly does not rape guys.

__________________________________________________


Snippet of AUNTCELLY's TIME:


To give her problems (literally) to solve, pwease post comment/emu her..
Remember that She's ALL rationale and no morale.. eh wrong.. no sympathy!
(but morale rhymes sial..).
Not all emailed problems are published at once.
Please be patient as AuntCelly is quite a social butterfly.


Problems of The Day:


yuz mambo says:
I have a little problem. My cat who is constantly in "heat" keeps throwin itself at me. Its absolutely pissin me off. I cant seem to do any revision coz it keeps sprawling itself n stickin up its arse on my keyboard n notes. Wat do i do?

.
.

AuntCelly:
Yuz, your notes hor.. is it in Braille?
If it's pokey and bumpy, of course the cat would love
rubbing its arse all over it.
Get the liddle darling laid please. I pity the liddle darling.
I also don't believe in studyin with animals. So, sort your little time management out please.
Good Luck for exam!
.
.
Calm one said...
Dear aunty sally,my face looks like asian prince,and my hair & body looks like steven lim's. and i'm really sexy when I stick out my tounge..but some pple say I look disgusting.how???
.
.
Aunt Celly:
Dear Calm one, I've seen it all.
This is apparently how you look..
.
.

.
Now, now.. I think people must have been blind to think this isn't sexy my dear.
But sometimes. It takes the right crowd to feel appreciated.
You should take up kegels and work in Bangkok.
You'll be too sexy to be sexy..
Tips: Go for an eyebrow trim please.
p/s: Nice pose
.
.
.
Boliao:
Old, saggy, ugly auntie,
I..No problem le.
.
.
AUntCelly:
.
Why don't I give you one then?!!!!
HuH? huH??!!!!
.
.
Thank you for your problems.
Keep em coming
______________________________
****