My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Monday, May 09, 2005

How to be a Chinese Pop star

This entry is purely MY own personal view on the majorly crappy Asian pop scene.
Eventhough there are some real talents, the majority is filled with annoying bubblegum popsters.
If you judge me upon reading. Fyuck off ! But come back another day k... hehezz...

Anyway.. everyone would like to get famous, aint it?
At the mention of fame, all the bling bling, glam imagery flashes before you.
Now, to get realistic. We are in Asia. Where's the spot to glow at?
S'pore, M'sia, Taiwan, HK, a bit of Thailand and recently China.
So, what are you gonna sing?
Chinese.. and probably a bit of English.

So, how to become a Chinese Popstar?
Somehow, I really meant female Chinese popstar,

First of all, do you have the face?

You have to have a face that looks something like this.

Sweet and cute.



*Yuki in my Mitsubishi..*

You have to have arms that looks like this....


*Jolin has bones plus skin for arms*


Preferably you have legs that look like this.


o Posted by Hello
*the longer the better..old rule applies*

So what skills do you need to have?

As long as you can pronounce A E I O U about right and able to shake your fingers abit at the camera and smile to the broadest you can.
You are there.



*If dont feel smiling like the rest, look solemn also can la..*


Voice.
Nah.. that's not important. We don't care if you fyuckin sound like a quacking duck.
Besides,the recording studios have all the sophisticated electronic equipment and sound engineers to right your pitch and smoothen your cracky shit voice.
So, as long as you make a few sounds, it's owkay lar..
But you must be willing to stuff ping pong balls up for the producer.

Dancing skills.
Eh... in Asia, that's not too relevant also. Forget about learning to dance like Britney.
As long as you can wave hellow, act cute and shake a bit like a moron...

Producer: Can you dance?

Artiste: ah yess yes..

Producer: Lemme see.. Can you pirouette?

Astiste: Err.. What's that?

Producer: Nevermind. What about hip hop? Can you lock and pop?

Artiste: ehh..hmm Yes! I love to sing pop!

Producer: Ok Nevermind. Can you wag your fingers and smile?

Artiste:



*Wag finger and smile the broadest possible.*

Producer: Ok lah will do...



Songwriting skills:


Artiste: Ya ya!! I can write lyrics. I wrote a few about my boyfriends.

Producer: Are you kidding? Dont need la.. If you make many many hits, maybe we'll tell the media you wrote one of the songs ok. Not the hit one of course. Don't worry, for your real lyrics, go put in your blog or something la.. But please keep the blog anonymous, we dont wanna look bad. As in.. we dont wanna seem like we dont know how to choose our artistes. .. Er.. Yah..


Lipsync.

This is damn essential. For your concerts of course.
Dont bother singing.
DOnt worry, the angmohs also cheat a bit one.
And when the media finds out, they'll bitch about you, but hey!
That's even more publication. It's all good... !

*Ashlee also cheat...*

Artiste: But..It's LIVE leh.. I want to SING!!!

Producer: Nahh.. too much to learn ah.. Just practise your lypsinc godammit. Ask so much!You think you what? Singer ah??


English Language skills:

As long you can say..

"I Wouv yiew all! Shank you ..Shank you!" can already.


Interview skills:

Are you kidding? Just be yourself. A moron watever.. the media loves stupid celebrities.
Tell them you think F4 dudes are shaggable but they've got no talent, tell them your grandma just turned 60, tell the media you like to shop in ToaPayoh Central.
Tell them anything you want.
But remember to smile a goddamn lots ok?


So, in all..
Focus on the following:

Smiling, signing autographs and eating nothing but celery everyday.

Flash info: Celery is a negative calorie food. It burns more calorie to heat up and digest than the intake of calorie value of the food itself.
*P/S: this is why at dinners I'd eat one piece of steak, then followed by 3 crates of celeries, positive + negative = zero... Apparently, it doesn's really work for me. Maybe I calculate wrongly.*


However, if you have the voice, dance moves and all the she-bangs.
You probably won't have the luck. So, you won't make it big. Stick to singing in those bloody showers, toilets, KTVs and pubs. Boo Hoo hoo..

__________________________________________

I just finished the Arsenal-Liverpool Match. 3-1!!! YAY!!!

Sorry people, but Liverpool and their inconsistent performance suck balls.

England's biggest bookie Ladbrokes, I realised ..has the most puzzling name.

Lad broke . s. Lads! You go in and bet and you'd go broke! You geddit??!!

29 Comments:

At 6:50 AM, Blogger airhole gently snorted that...

gosh, u hit it spot on... on the singing.. yeah lip synching... u got it made..

celly, why dun u do it? i am sure u appeal to a lot of blog(guys) and would be the envious of the blog(gers)... :P

 
At 7:11 AM, Blogger Jayaxe gently snorted that...

Actually, there's one more thing, if you're a damn popular singer like Jay Chou, it doesnt't matter if you keep forgetting the lyrics.

In his last concert in Taiwan, there was one very difficult rap song which he completely forgot, but he still couldn't manage to get the audience the throw tomatoes at him!

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger suspiciousbastard gently snorted that...

Hey, I'm borrowing the pictures you have in this post. Hopefully you won't mind. Besides, you'll know what I have done with them on the next post.

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger Jared gently snorted that...

the industry needs more jay,wubai,zhang zhenyue,sun yanzi

 
At 9:48 AM, Anonymous Sleepless in Bangkok gently snorted that...

Will be get a Dave Brubeck in Asia?


HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

Well even the Grammy Awards has to make do with Norah Jones....Better than Sly and Taufik,no?

 
At 9:53 AM, Anonymous makanmonkey gently snorted that...

With all that celery I pity the plumber who has to unclog the toilet everyday...

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger Hai~Ren gently snorted that...

Lately mandarin pop sucks anyway. Most of the girls are all the cute shu-nu kind and little else. Yawn... Mindless apeing of American pop and R & B.

I miss the good ol' days of the 90s, when there was more emphasis on substance.

 
At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

airhole: I wan! Any producer wanna invest on me.. i super ons.. !!!


jayaxe:yep yep

suspiciousbastard: waht are u doing with it?? heuhue

kenneth: and there's not many

sleepless" cannot compare with the west la.. they v serious abt music.. chinse v serious abt waggign fingers.. no?

makanmonkey:
ya i also say.. no wonder always stuck

hairen: so.. we shd all go back to teresa teng days yah.

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Jaywalk gently snorted that...

In case you haven't noticed, Liverpool kena cursed this season.

Whenever they return from a European game in midweek, the following weekend's EPL match sure screw up one.

Check the past results, if you don't believe. Must be some bomoh behind this working for the Malaysian bookie syndicate.

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger CyBorg gently snorted that...

Yay!! Celle exposes the ugly world of celebrities! Now I can start dreaming of a being popstar! And who says I sound like a toad!? Eh u sure ah they got those voice smoothening machine?

 
At 3:24 PM, Anonymous Sleepless in Bangkok gently snorted that...

Money making is in Chinese genes.
Whether Ethics is in our genes is debatable.


And if you catagorise these singers with no substance under entertainment line, you probably will feel better, afterall they did entertain.

Is it any better in Indo?

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger Sandra Ng gently snorted that...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 5:46 PM, Blogger Sandra Ng gently snorted that...

hey celle, dropped you a mail. need to talk to u abt sth. :)

 
At 7:15 PM, Blogger Scarlett Ting gently snorted that...

Yeayyyy Liverpool loses! =D

And JX i dun fancy jay chou(sorry i just have to say it whenever i see the detestable name) :P

i kinda prefer the one who sings ai hen jian dan. hehehe.

Oh. come to think of it, I can be a pop star anytime.

Wait. I dun have sweet looks like yuki, neither do i have jolin arms.

Celly, wait for me while i contact my plastic surgeon.

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger Jayaxe gently snorted that...

Huh?? Jay is a detestable name! I'm so sad! I'm a Jay too! Hahaha.

But you have to admit he's real popular, Ting.

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger Adrian gently snorted that...

Ehh, pop sucks by default, whether it's Asian or Western. LONG LIVE ROCK AND ROLL!!!

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger insanityiscreativity gently snorted that...

I live in liverpool guess what just like you i was thrilled when they lost.

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger insanityiscreativity gently snorted that...

I live in liverpool guess what just like you i was thrilled when they lost.

 
At 11:18 PM, Blogger crazycat gently snorted that...

u made it look so "easy" to be those chinese sugar pop stars...
lol

 
At 11:33 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

jaywalk: yes.. i think i shd blog abt the scene behind football soon.. it's damn mafia can.. i was arguing with my frens the other day. they dun believe...

imran-x: heh... yes they have..heuhue..

ting: heh.. i think u can do better than most of the chines epopsters liao babe..

sleepless: of coz they make money.. the stupid bubblegum ones are targetted to bengs and lians and primary school kids what... can one...they like boyband gilrband. they dunno wat singing is all abt anyway.. just the ight market.. so yes yes.. they make money.. who are we to complain rite?

jx&ting: i like jaychou leh.. heuhue... i like david tau also lah..

ad: oh yeah.. rock&roll anytime..

insanityiscreativity: traitor! now i dun feel so bad for condemning them..

 
At 12:14 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

cat: yup yup.. u can be one too! but do u wanna stuff ping pong balls up?

 
At 12:55 AM, Blogger kaopeh gently snorted that...

You can try being an Ah gua too. Just look at Harisu.... she (or he? or it?) looks damn goood lah!!!

 
At 1:27 AM, Blogger jcyrhs gently snorted that...

hey. you forgot

1. Hughe boobs
2. Tiny tiny waist
3. nice butts.
4. Claims of being a virgin
5. Single

anyway i'm a liverpool fan. @#&*@#(*$&#%

 
At 2:22 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

kaopeh: now now.. serioously not many ah gua can look like her leehh..
the ones in changi there.. hmm..actually some really not bad hor.. up to u la.. u go be ah gua lor..

jcyrhs: heuhue sowrie..

 
At 3:35 AM, Blogger J Schnorng gently snorted that...

hurrah for arsenal 3 liverpool 1. I'm an Arsenal fan, you see.

 
At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Koh gently snorted that...

I am a arsenal fan too. I hope they could keep cole and reyes and buy a really good goalkeeper.

 
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