My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Sunday, May 15, 2005

AUNTCELLY's Special Part II

Today's entry is again dedicated to...

AUNTCELLY's TIME:


Brief Introduction:
AuntCelly has a big mouth which confirms her capabilty of shooting out bullshit.
This constellation of bullshits proved to be extremely effective when applied to bullshitty problems.
"yi du gong du!"
She has been giving advice to her disciples for decades.
She has the ultimate yin and yang.
She also teaches experiential learning techniques in expensive countries.

To give her problems (literally) to solve, pwease post comment/emu her..
Remember that She's ALL rationale and no morale.. eh wrong.. no sympathy!
(but morale rhymes sial..).
Not all emailed problems are published at once. Please be patient as AuntCelly is quite old.



Have you missed her?????

Haiyoh... She tot it's like all peace in the world.. didnt know there's still

so many troubled souls out there....


Problems of the Day:
.
.
.
suspiciousbastard 提到...
Is there any way to get fyucking rich apart from selling your backside/organs/man-rod?





AUntCelly:
Selling backside is more profitable than man-rod apparently.
Organs.. well.. if you have spare..
Other ways include robbing banks and drug dealing loo... Like you dunno....
Anyway, if you wanna make a million dollars the legal way fast.




.
.
.
Spanar:
Dear Aunt Celly,what can i do to a girl whose schizophrenic yet incredibly beautiful....like Fann wong. I'm sick of being superman.



AuntCelly:
WOIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then you want to be superwoman is it?
hmmm... wat u tokin about ah..
Dear Spanar, Fann Wong is schizophrenic?She actress wadd..
What's being superman got to do with liking this crazy two-sided girl?
I very confused la..
please dont confuse me when you ask questions.
I rephrase for you la ok!
"Dear Aunt Celly, What can superman do to a girl who likes Fann Wong , incredibly beautiful and schizophrenic?"
Ah.. so much easier. Bloody hell.. superman can grow boobs, maybe she will like lor..
WHAT to do to her ah... What a question!!!!!!!!!!!
So many things you can what.. Just a matter of getting tight slap in the face or not.



LadyinRED:
Dear Auntie, I find it frustrating that I keep meeting Mr. Wrong.
I end up getting really sick of them.
What should I do?
I still like men. But I want to find Mr. Right and not waste anymore time.
I am almost 80. I dont have much time.



AuntCelly:
In that case I also got not much to say.
You dont have much longer to live anyway..
Aiyorr auntie, you so old liao.
You join me for mahjong every Saturday larr..
Got many cute sugar boy boys to choose from.
Subsequently, please read AuntCelly's "Guide to the Right Member"
To check if boy boy is within the Quality standard.
Just remember to slip me the MAMMI's tip.



Anonymous said...
Aunty Celly, What do u call a man who dates a girl for some years
and then decides he is not the marrying type har?
Do you call him
1) a fyuck-type egoistic selfish ball of shit or
2) an asehole who produces shit or
3) an idiot who eats shit or
4) a scumbag who contains shit
5) ? what else can u call him?


AuntCelly:
Seriously dahleeng, this guy is a gem.
I'd choose 5) Thoughtful bastard.
Isn't it nice of him to let her know it's ended before
they've tied the knot and everything is just too late?
Lawyers vellly expensive you know..
But come to think of it..
she could've gotten away with a lot of alimony, is he rich?
In that case, I'd put 5)Selfish bastard.
Is he single now by the way? Does he like older woman?




knychai
said...
auntycelly, how can i tell celle tat i like the way she write letter to make fun of ppl without sounding like i want to write letter to make fun of ppl?


AuntCelly:
Dont geddit!!! Wat u tokin about?Your comp got repeating virus is it? You dont nuke me hor...



Lost in Forest :
Aunt Celly,
My girlfriend doesn't like to trim or shave 'down there.' I love her very much,
but often feel like I'm adventuring through a jungle.
How can I bring this up to her nicely?
Signed,
Lost in a Forest



AuntCelly:
Dear Lost in a Forest, I am torn between two good answers, but I think it's better to lay them out here... so that you can make the wiser choice of your own.
.
.
1. Try to love her for who she is.
Hairy Big foot or Shaven haven.
By the way, Pheromones can be oozed out through pubical hairs.
Though Sham argued that they are oozed out from the nostrils.
Which makes this pose completely sexy.


My nostrils ooozeee pheromonessss Posted by Hello



Anyway, hairs do give out pheromones too.
Thus, you may want to appreciate this.
Pheromones would give you amazing 'in love' butterfly flips.
Just in case she really is a curly wurly Amazon forest.
You can buy her serums and conditioners to soften them.
You can then rebond the hairs so that they open up like a fan or a curtain.
It can be interesting. Get creative!
.
.
2. If for any weird reason you only adore shaven haven,
which actualy makes you a tad of a paedophile.
You can either persuade her to shave it,
Some excuses you can use are:
- that you can no longer afford KY
-that you miss your childhood.
-that you would like to collect them
and pray to the pile of curly pubes each night for eternal love.
.
Or, you can do it yourself, she sleeps at night right?
Slip her prozac and epilate! Dont shave,
because the newly grown stubbles would be pricky!
Cacti in Sahara are worse than Amazon rain trees!
.
.
.....OK.... Aunt Celly is gonna rest,
But please keep the problems coming,
she's training for the next Miss Universe's speeches for world peace and shits.

32 Comments:

At 12:33 AM, Anonymous ead gently snorted that...

pssst! whats this land banking presentation thingy about??

 
At 12:37 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

ALAMAK dude... i cant possibly publish it here.. it would take an hour and u wont appreciate it!

 
At 12:41 AM, Anonymous ead gently snorted that...

hokays....mail me more about it ya. will see.

 
At 1:16 AM, Anonymous Snake gently snorted that...

Erm! The world is complicated enough already. Auntcelly has mangaged to complicate it even further. Outstanding! ;P

 
At 1:20 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

snake: OH NO! auntcelly did THAT????????????//I go SCOLD HERRRRRRRRRRR

 
At 1:26 AM, Anonymous Snake gently snorted that...

Btw, was it painful to contort that face for the pic you taken of yourself or does it come naturally for you? Heehee!

 
At 1:32 AM, Anonymous Sleepless in Bangkok gently snorted that...

Nice pout.

 
At 1:32 AM, Anonymous Snake gently snorted that...

Oh dear! Upon reading back my earlier post, it sounds quite rude of me. My apologise. :(

 
At 1:50 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

snake: contort what? pouting only wat.. u were rude? i dun feel.. mebbe i too magmanimous muahaha..

sleepless: ayee. merci boucoup!

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger Adrian gently snorted that...

Nice lips.

 
At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Spanar gently snorted that...

Haizzz...nobody understands the pains of being superman...being Clark Kent one minute and saving the world the next.

I guess there's still some generation gap between aunt celly and me.

How come Lana Lane is chioer than Lois Lane in smallville? Basket, want to make me LL isst? What? U r going to tell them the story of the red underwear next season...knn...

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger Kenny gently snorted that...

huahah! thank u antie celly. i dont nuke u 1 lah..u tot still IRC days ah..now no more irc liaw..

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger suspiciousbastard gently snorted that...

Let me guess.......it's about land development in Canada. I do not have the money to invest, otherwise I might have bought some from my teacher.

 
At 3:46 PM, Blogger Steve Metcalf gently snorted that...

Nice pose! Sexy nose-hair . . .

 
At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Sleepless in Bangkok gently snorted that...

Merci Beaucoup actually...

And what a pout!

 
At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Snake gently snorted that...

Oh! Ok, cute in a perverse sort of way. Ssss.. ;]

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger Shortphat K gently snorted that...

Aunt Celly: Shortphat's got a fren who has the biggest crush on this chick who's a fren of a fren...he knw her for a while already bt bump into her 2 weeks back and was not able to get her outta his head...HOW?!?!

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

ad: ehh.. thanks

spanar: i know its not easy to be superman... but hang in there k..
wat red underwear next season? i wear it to play mahjong on;i.. i dun use it outside my pants..
yah maybe auntcelly too old for u

knychai: heuheu..

steve : eh thanks..

sleepless: ay yah.. typo. hehe. beaucoup... oh well je vouz en prie!

suspiciousbastard: good shit that thing! if got no money then make money by intro-ing me prospects dude!

snake: now thats rude!!!

hehe..

no la


k: wah.. wat a predicament.. ok la i tell auntcelly soon.

 
At 9:07 PM, Anonymous Snake gently snorted that...

So, is there going to be an "Auntcelly's Star Wars special"? ;I

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

snake: sadly, ive never watched one b4.. but hey! that could be even more interesting eh? heuhe

 
At 1:18 AM, Blogger Dexter Huang gently snorted that...

sooOOoo seksee...btw i've linked u.. :D happy bloggin~

 
At 4:07 PM, Anonymous makanmonkey gently snorted that...

Fann Wong??? Beautiful??? Hmm... that girl in the photo with those jelly puckers (and her fren Jac) beat her hands down man.

 
At 7:19 PM, Anonymous Spanar gently snorted that...

makanmonkey: u r entitled to your own opinions, which i dont give a hoot anyway...but starting a flame here is uncalled for...go eat ur lau gao

celle: sori, didnt intent to start a flame war here, but i gotta protect my woman.

 
At 12:39 AM, Anonymous makanmonkey gently snorted that...

1. She's urs meh?

2. Where got flame? Where got war? Reservist in a mth so jialat liao, pls read my post again... that was MY OPINION.

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

flamekid: ngo em oi sek see lehh..

makanmonkey: oit thx..

spanar n makanmonkey: PEACE!!!!!!

 
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