My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Saturday, April 23, 2005

GOd of Grumblers: Casino, mio Carino

Gentleman... Start your engine....

The CasinoS are coming to town!!!!!!!!

Eh Solly Solly.. IRS coming to town!!

Ah shit.. the last S shouldnt be caps. Sounds wrong.

Let's try again.. THE IRs are coming to town!!!!!!

*Sing a happy song*

IR is of course Integrated Resort.

Am I excited?

Mann... for the casinos definitely!

Like.. wahahaha.. now we don't have to get on 6 hour trip to Genting to waste our money away anymore!

The money rubbish bin is gonna be nearer than we thought!

However, ALAS, we'd have to pay to get in. A hefty 100 buckaroos.Yes, PRs also.
Hmm.. with 100 bucks I can go Genting too..or Batam.. or win on mahjong table liao..
hmmm.. how how...
Are they discouraging us from gambling?

Why lidat leh??

Reason 1:

We're not highclass enough to waste money with the angmohs?
Coz we don't eat smelly cheese is it?
We eat other smelly things like stale tofu whorrr..
We also quite smelly what...
Pweasee hor.. I know so many hitchiking angmohs who are poorer than my goldfish (if i had one), they live off government grants and sleep in bags everyday.
Why these geezers then dun nid to pay 100 bux leh?
Orhhh... Coz they cant afford is it?? I geddittt...


Reason 2:

So so... We must pay 100 bux before losing more $$$ and the Japs dont need harrr..???
Is it coz we don't eat enough puffer fish? Man.. those Japs are suicidal, kamikaze-trained people !.. They are willing to die for a piece of fish meat.
And that makes them more honourable than US?
We are willing to die for a piece of nothing leh.. that's right. Nothing. How honourable!
Our foods somemore got no MSG. Let alone dying from eating, we don't even wanna lose hair.
So bloody smart!

Reason3:

Coz they dont want us to lavish money away on the roulletes or slot machines?
Lavish?? What lavish??
We're donating money to dear government on top of tax leh.. why they worry??
Not like we're gonna spend all our savings on a game of Black Jack. You know Singaporeans.
One loss at a bet and they start counting the number of char kway teows they could have bought with it.

Reason4:

Ehh.. I wont be surprised that there will be a huge influx of INDON gamblers!
Hereith come the Misters Wijaya-Susilo-Sutanto-Wateverya-Wateverlo-Wateverto.

Them and all their glaring, flashy bling blings, ten cars, ten condoes, ten restaurants, ten wives, ten farms all to be given away.
So WHY are we NOT encouraged to win those MULAHs over?
The government is worried that Singaporean men may be so inspired by them and start adopting Indon rich MTF BASTARDS's lifestyle where they collect 29 concubines harrr...???!!?
(One for each day of month, first day of month: rest day, February Leap year is turn around time and for months with 31 days, one unlucky bitch gets to be screwed again)

.. Haiyohh. ...Singaporean men wont one la..

So henpecked...
So un- horny..
So stingy...
For them.." One is gou ma fan*!" .......
*(Enough hassle)

Plus, there's always the law. A.L.I.M.O.N.Y is a tabooo word for Sporean men!
Poor Indon wives don't have the priviledge.



Reason5:
Moral issues!!
Wad moral issue? We're just buying chips lehh.. it's like buying... chips! Potato ones.
Sama sama...


Please let us gamble larr..



OK OK! Enough on why WE were discriminated.
Sheesh.. self discrimination.

NOW!!

TIME FOR TIPS ON HOW TO WIN/CHEAT $$$ IN THE CASINO HAR HARRRRR........

Slot machines:

Yes yes.. those jackpot thingies with fruits pictures on.
Overseas they've got pictures of naked ladies on the jackpot machine.
But here, you wait long long...
Maybe got durians pictures instead.

Slot machines are programmed to give a pay-out after a certain time limit.
They are not exactly regular but there's only so much space to keep the coins.
So, the sensors will activate when it's getting too filled up.

There's a special key to access most of these machine. But it's quite unlikely that you have one.
Unless you steal them from the casino supervisors. (Not recommended)
This key if plugged in and turned rightway, will tell you exactly how much money is left in the coin tube. Shown in the digital display.

Most machines in UK store up to 500-1000 pounds in total. They have a storage tube and a working tube. It's a bit hard to judge how much is in the storage tube.
So it's still a little tricky.
You can't guess for sure that the storage tube is full.
But basically, what's in the storage won't come out through your winnings.
Thus, only if the working tube is full, some blessed coins might come out from the working tube.

But then again, storage tube can only store so much.
It will start solely filling the working one after some time.
I wouldnt know how much coins the machines here can actually store.
But after a few key-trials, you will have your rough gauge.
So, if the value is high, or almost full, it's 60-80% almost pay-out. Better chance.

If you don't have the key. (most likely).
Peer diagonally through the gap at the side of the glass screens.
and check out how high the coin level is.
(Need a lot of training, but the coin tube is there somewhere).

Also, watch out for geezer who've been stuffing coins into the jackpot machine all day and looks like he's about to kill himself for losing so much.
Stand behind him, give encouragement, cheer on him til he's stuffed all his money in.
If still no pay-out. Mount the bloody stool and start your game.

Black Jack and other card games:

Seriously horr.. there're all the statistics shits to prove that it's bloody impossible to win at a gambling table.
So, if you've won the first few times around. Leave the bloody place.
Unless of course, you've masterred the cheats.
This, I cant impart fully else everyone starts winning, I how to win?

Watch God of Gamblers la..

Or sleep with the dealer.


Roulette:
Also known as apartment building game coz people
will stack their chips tall-tall all over the numbers, looking like apartments.

Heh.. Is it so hard to guess a bloody colour?
red or black?
I don't think so lehh...

You know that the probability of hittin red/black is 0.5.
So, choose both la.. then got probability 0.5 +0.5 =1 mah..
Ok, thats me being a moron...

This is the real tip:

The ball is normally metal (unless they've gotten clever and changed it to plastic)

SO. Bring a magnet !!(strong one).

This will be used to direct the metal ball.

Only use it when the ball is about to stop,
else it'll start flying into the next sugarmomma's cleavage.

From here.. use your mighty judgement and steering skills.
Think of... hmmm... fishing.
Pull at the right time, at the right strength, at right angle... using the magnet.
So, if it's about to hit red, make it go to the next one. Angle! Angle!

If it's near your number, attract attract....
to the right, to the left, it's like fishing a trout,...
or driving a Daytona car race.

I am certain you know what to do right?

But do it discreetly,
dont carry those big big magnets taken off your electric generator.
Also dont bring a compass lahh.. alamak..!
Best is to bring an electro magnet.
Only activate when you need to.
This will prevent you from attracting anything metallic near you.
This could be hazardous. Eventhough it would be cool to attract some Piaget watches.
But, just play safe la..
The Piaget owner may have bodyguards.


Disclaimer: If you failed to cheat or got arrested for lame trials. Dont blame me.
I am just a helpful citizen. One overloaded with bullshits.

Miscellanous gambling cheats:

Mahjong:
I have a long story on how to cheat on a mahjong table.
It's base on real-life experiences. Proven. We bought home stereo system, 3rd hand car and a fish tank with the winnings, in England. But.. I shall impart more bullshitty knowledge when I've more time...
So I am gonna save it for next time.

Hehehhehee.....

Stay Tuned.. !!!!

XXXXX

44 Comments:

At 11:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

your anal-lysis damn POWER! hehe

 
At 11:42 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

huehuehue.. anal-lysed!

 
At 11:45 PM, Anonymous Sleepless in Bangkok gently snorted that...

Well, there is going to be one in Thailand.
2 more in the pipeline in Macau which makes their grand total 20.
Taiwan is building theirs too in Peng2 Hu2.

Not disney land theme parks for those who just tuned in....
Anymore to add?

Just wondering which nation will be covering up the 1st casino related suicide?

 
At 12:00 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

Welcome to casinopolitans!

 
At 12:22 AM, Anonymous Sleepless in Bangkok gently snorted that...

Hey, can you do one on electric mosquito bats?

If you haven't written one that is... If have send me the URL ok?

Now obsessed with them,
Can explode the little critters somemore ^^
Sadistica....

 
At 12:26 AM, Blogger Steve Metcalf gently snorted that...

All this talk of gambling . . . I think I'll go to Las Vegas tonight! Don't lose too much money, Celle, you might have to sell your computers!

 
At 1:03 AM, Blogger crazycat gently snorted that...

omg.. u are hilarious...*thumbs up*

 
At 1:08 AM, Blogger CyBorg gently snorted that...

Celle.... U must be the Goddess of Gamblers everyone is trying to uncover!
*kowtow!
All hail Goddess Celle.
Pls impart more knowledge to us.
*kowtow!

 
At 2:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

Who says singaporean men not horny?! who!?

 
At 3:45 AM, Blogger Jayaxe gently snorted that...

Hahaha! Roulette also known as apartment building game! That's a very apt way of describing it.

Anyway, you should be hailed for helping potential gamblers to win back the bloody $100 entrance fee!

 
At 4:57 AM, Blogger J Schnorng gently snorted that...

Wah, as long as can win money can already. I want more money, sia!

Regards,
J

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Adrian gently snorted that...

Hey hey hey, I'm Singaporean and I'm not henpecked. Also, I'm very horny and I do not have a small dick. Oh wait, no one said anything about small dicks, right? Eh, I'm not insecure ok! Heh. Anyway, kickass post. Liked your casino cheats.

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger Jared gently snorted that...

Singapore men not hoooorrrrrrrnnnnyyyy! Woohoo!

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger Kenny gently snorted that...

Batam nice celleee!

singaporean men not horny..no wonder the girls try so hard to dress liek they come out from the beauty saloon everyday @_@

and thank god i told me u kaki power at mahjong..im addicted to mahjong..but i wont wanna lose 2 u..

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger Kenny gently snorted that...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:26 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

steve: hv fun in las vegas huh.. u gonna try the cheats? hahaha

knychai: wat u doin in batam uh? HUH?

J: u so close by.. drive to vegas la

jx: heheh..

adrian: sorry la..u forgot to say.. the stereotypes exclude my blog readers ok hehehhehe

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Jayaxe gently snorted that...

Are you saying that your male readers are perverts then?! Hahaha.

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger Vicnan gently snorted that...

yes, yes, I'm here. Happy now?

heh.

Eh. what happened to my 7-step guide ah?! *blog about it!*

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger Guojun gently snorted that...

Hey!! I love Mahjong!! But I always lose money... Can teach me how to play so that I can win???

 
At 3:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

u are damn funny

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger MaKan GuRu gently snorted that...

Ahh j not that close to vegas lah, it easier for him to drive to atlantic city.

Celle another great post, remind me never to play mahjong with you. About your observations abotu the one-armed bandits, it is very very true. i have an acct prof who taught me that the trick is to start playing only during what he called "harvest time" (2am - 6 am) because the machines would be very full from people putting money into them the whole day, and so you stood a higher chance of hitting. He also taught me to play 4 to 6 machines at the same time to increase your odds. He goes to Vegas 4 to 5 times a year, so i am sure he knows what he is talking about.

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger Hai~Ren gently snorted that...

Wah lau a lot of hardcore gamblers around here sia... remind me never to play mahjong with you.

You were advisor for God of Gamblers or The Unbeatables right??!

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger bobby gently snorted that...

moral mar.. not morale. and the casino.. i mean Integrated Resort thing is making my morale quite high, i'm gonna work there dealing cards, get to wear tuxedo everyday, and also have bunny babes as my colleagues... how much better can life get huh?

 
At 7:47 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

bobby... moral mar? mar? u called me mar? do u noe moi??

jx: my male readers are NOT perverts ok.. they hv a sense of humour, charsimatic and they not unhorny.. they are healthy...^^

guojun: can can.. stay tuned.. i pass my exams first then teach u...

makan guru: yeah.. i learnt it by experience too.. i went to slot machines places to watch my ex play 24/7, 360 days/yr for 4 yrs..in England.. he's a major cheat master.. i've been englightened..

hai-ren: ya lor they never credit me.. basket...

someone who wan make wackyyy movie call me as ur creative director! heuheuheuheuheheue

 
At 8:54 PM, Anonymous Jaywalk gently snorted that...

$100 a day entrance fee? I thot it was $200 per day?

Wah like that lagi good deal man!

I think the maximum cap is set at $2000 per year and so according to the calculations on my blog,

365 days x $100 = $36500

You save $34500 !!!!

Good deal right???

... oh wait... or do they mean that you can only visit the casino 20 days per year only? hmm... blur liao....

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger Eddie G. gently snorted that...

Hey Celle, thanks for dropping by at my blog. My what a load of info to take in. Very surreal stuff. Not to mention funny. Wahaha. Keep those posts coming in, and if they are as wacky as this, you can bet i'll be staking out here ^_~

Cheers!

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

jaywalk : wat u tokin abouut? if u dun go casino u save money is it?
u nvr calculate the possible winnings.. with my great tips.. u may rake in profits..
huehueuhe maybe not

eddie: hehehhe.. stalk pls..

 
At 10:01 PM, Blogger stoolie gently snorted that...

shldnt u be studying? still got time for such a good analysis muahahaa.

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

studyin now.. paper tom.. kekekekek

 
At 10:15 PM, Anonymous ead gently snorted that...

ok ok go study !!! exam lai liao hahaha...

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

but belly sian lehh.. like no modjo..

they kept telling me:".. cmon celle! last burst of steam!!!

me: no steam liao.. really .. long ago... only waterrrrr.. howww

 
At 10:30 PM, Blogger Evelyn gently snorted that...

Ya totally understand. My last burst of steam, but I feel like that steam has been used up in my A levels.

Bo steam liao.

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger Hai~Ren gently snorted that...

Go and study lah! =P

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

MAKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!


take the bloody comp away....

 
At 1:52 AM, Anonymous kenn gently snorted that...

You oughta be ashamed.
I have a paper at 9 tmr and instead of studying, i'm reading your blog. See??! You should feel bad for writing such interesting and hilarious stuff - i'm hooked.

Oh - an NUS mahjong player!!!!! NICE!! maybe after exam, can have a game. *grrrrrr*

 
At 3:31 AM, Blogger Gabrielle gently snorted that...

oh no.. hope noone will start asking me where's the website.

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

gab: ya i noe.. of coz dun hv me nakd la. i nvr took wat.. i slap him if got lor

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger stoolie gently snorted that...

whats the website?? =D

 
At 10:09 PM, Blogger stoolie gently snorted that...

found it anyways..muahahaha.

 
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hey great site you have here.... mine is along the same lines jackpot casino

 
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