My tusheez

This blog was started once upon a time when a young girl at school didnt know better but thought otherwise. So the way earlier entries can be crass and words inappropriate so please don't judge. As now the person has evolved into someone older and wiser (hopefully) ..:.... But some of the entries were classic and hilarious so I don't have the heart to delete them :@ Well we were all young (read:wild) once, right?

Sunday, April 17, 2005

AUNTCELLY's Special Episode I


Today's entry...is especially dedicated to..

AUNTCELLY's TIME:



Brief Introduction:

AuntCelly has a large forehead which confirms her accumulated bullshit. This constellation of bullshits proved to be extremely effective when applied to bullshitty problems.
"yi du gong du!"
She has been giving advice to her fellow friends, families and strangers for decades.
She has the ultimate chi and gong.
She also teaches critical thinking techniques in under-developed countries.


To give her problems (literally) to solve, pwease post comment/emu her..
Remember that She's ALL rationale and no morale.. eh wrong.. no sympathy!
(but morale rhymes sial..).
Not all emailed problems are published at once. Please be patient as AuntCelly is quite old. She has 11-finger operation and she's quite busy with her onion farm.


Problems of the Day:


Bobby:
For the problem I have. I always wait at least 15 mins for my bus. and sometimes even up to 30mins. its really pissing me off and making my morale damn low. how???


AuntCelly:
Dear Bobby, consider becoming a bus driver.
.
.
Anonymous said...
Well....I have this problem. I'm pretty egoistic where looks are concerned. Whenever I walk around in public places, I want people(actually the girls) to look at me and go "Wow...that's a damn handsome dude." But right now what everyone does is just ignore me. How do I change my situation to the desired one?


AuntCelly:
You know there are many creative things to do to get attention. I can list them.
But to be noticed as a handsome man, you would have to first work on your face.
So, the question should be : how do I get handsome?
Are you handsome?
If you are, I don't see why you shouldn't be noticed.
Have you been hanging out at the wrong spots?
Try Geylang.
.
.
Verysad:
Deer Ontie Selly, I have that probem that I need too and the fire aftar and beefor my wive when shee toke the baby pan then fish the renfolt. Plise tel me haw to deal in that isseu.


AuntCelly:
Little darling. Please take basic English lesson and ask me again when you've passed the course. OK darling?
Meanwhile, take the baby fire pan and shove it up your wife's ass. You can then go fishing and blame it on the rain.


rOn said...
HI HI, I've a lorhan forehead too. probably it's worse than urs cos my fringe doesn't cover much of it. If my hair is wavy and has a mind of its own, what type of fringe best covers lorhan foreheads?


AuntCelly:
This is a very interesting question, I have been venturing for solutions myself.
There are a few things you can do to fix this:


1. The first alternative is to shave your current brows and tattoo your brows higher.

**Flash news: Jap girls love doing this, it makes them look excited all the time, and that's why they are highly employable in the porn industry* *

Also, you can tattoo some black area under your current front hairline. You can have different hair line shape too! Straight, curved, etc...

The suggested alternative would make AuntCelly's Lohan model look like this:
.
.
.

*very un-lohan forehead*
success: 100%
aesthetic value :9/10

2. You must have known that horizontal stripes tend to camouflage tall/long entities.
This is usually applied to clothing strategies,
where horizontal striped- clothings are worn by chopstickky persons.
Therefore, applying the same technique to your forehead would do wonders. For those with very high forehead, applying horizontal lines would create a shallowing effect.
This is proved below.
.
.
.

*very un-lohan forehead*
succes : 90%
aesthetic value :7/10

3. Similar to the second alternative. This vertical lines- strategy can be applied to those with very wide foreheads
.
.
This is depicted below.
.

*very unlohan forehead*
success: 90%
aesthetic value :3/10
.
.
Hope the tips help, but try to do them professionally. Invest more for satisfaction

***

AUNTYCELLY's GEM of ADVICE of the DAY:
.
DO NOT STUDY WITH YOUR PORN VIDEOS
.
Reason:
It may work for some.
But it can be disastrous for others.
During the regurgitation of information during the actual exam sitting,
you may fail to focus on the question paper. This needs no explanation.
Worse still, you don't wanna cause your textbooks and notes
to have all their pages stuck together. Nasty!!
.
.
Thank you for your problems.

Keep em coming!
****
_________________________________

20 Comments:

At 8:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

Great. But regarding the ascetics(spelling?) question, how would you consider a guy handsome?

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger Steve Metcalf gently snorted that...

Studying while watching porn may also cause you to yell out "Oh Yesss!" after you finish the exam.

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger Broken Pencil gently snorted that...

High foreheads are a sign of intelligence... hmmm... Yes... i do see that in this blog.... eheh...

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

steve: v true!!! o some sot like that..


nic: hur hur.. not sarcasm rite?

anonymous: dat a question to auntcelly or me?

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger Broken Pencil gently snorted that...

Nope! Not a single speck! hee...

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger crazycat gently snorted that...

ur new pics of "how to un-lohan your forehead" are damn cute!! i have sort of a lohan forehead as well and hate it then pimples decides to visit it..

 
At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

Aunty Celly,

What do u call a man who dates a girl for some years and then decides he is not the marrying type har?

Do you call him

1) a fyuck-type egoistic selfish ball of shit or
2) an asehole who produces shit or
3) an idiot who eats shit or
4) a scumbag who contains shit
5) ? what else can u call him?

Just wan to hear some down to earth sweet advice from aunty celly..

 
At 3:06 PM, Blogger Gabrielle gently snorted that...

anonymous:
that i think should be an asshole that can't produce shit, an idiot that talks with his mouth full of shit, sleeps, drinks and dies in shit.

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger Kenny gently snorted that...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:59 PM, Blogger Kenny gently snorted that...

auntycelly, how can i tell celle tat i like the way she write letter to make fun of ppl without sounding like i want to write letter to make fun of ppl?

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger YuZ MaMbO gently snorted that...

Another nice edition of Aunt Celly's time... Keep it up. A barrel of laughter.

A gem of an advice regardin porn vidz...

anonymous: That guy is a complete loser then. For the girl, u definitely deserver better lah.

 
At 10:13 PM, Anonymous stoolie gently snorted that...

up till now, i am still so amused.
that a pretty lady can actually draw on her own photo.

not that i had not done it before..
i put a toiletbowl seat around my face.

but im nowwhere near good looking!

haha...

kudos to celly~favourite down-to-earth blog...

my queen of bloggers =D

 
At 10:54 PM, Blogger Adrian gently snorted that...

Celly is intelligent and also very whimsical. It's what distinguishes her and forms a large part of her appeal.

 
At 12:56 AM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

looks like auntcelly gonna be busy hehh... kekeke.

knychai: how can i tell u that u write comment like u want to confuse people without writing ocmment to confuse ppl??
i pass ur crazy question to auntcelly la..

yuz: good thing auntcelly warn u abt the porn vids ah.. before rice become porridge.

stoolie: .. a toilet bowl ard ur face? wat the hell u doin man?
btw..thank uu.. ^^

adrian: thank uuu.. I am LEWD member.. i dun forget my mission hehehe

 
At 2:19 AM, Blogger Cherub gently snorted that...

the more i read.. the more i'm in love.

muahahaha

 
At 4:56 PM, Anonymous MBA gently snorted that...

regurtation is ???
You mean regurgitation?

Bollox is ???
You mean bollocks?

If you're interested to know more about Attitude...
Explanation of Concept
An attitude is formed through the development of cognitive, affective and behavioural components in a person.
For a given matter, the beliefs and values of a person in the cognitive component lead to the creation of feelings in the affective component. This in turn results in an intended behaviour being performed under the Behavioural component to align with the feelings.

Application of Concept
In a workplace, an “internalized” person with a positive attitude towards work and would perform better. The attitude is the result of the set of beliefs/values(cognitive) that he is in control of his performance/reward and feels hard work will reap results(affective). In turn, he would be motivated(behavioural) to work hard.

There is use for this... But first you must raised your awareness on the attitude and behaviour.... You can then deduce the underlying root cause of a matter easier.

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger crazycat gently snorted that...

some people luv to suck toes mah... shd be more adventurous.. hehe *puke*

 
At 10:28 PM, Blogger CELLE gently snorted that...

mba: regurgtation was a typo laa. sorrie.. i correct it ok?
bollox is how i like to spell bollocks.. so.. yah

for ur tips on attitude and behaviour. hahaha.. thx dude.. i guess u really took ur mba.. cheers!

 
At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous gently snorted that...

Bwahahahha ery creative thoughts on how to smaller ur forehead! hahahaha

 
At 5:01 AM, Anonymous Acne Help gently snorted that...

Ich bin froh, einen anderen blackhead Aufstellungsort zu finden, jetzt, das ich wei�, was ein gutes man wie aussieht.Sincerely, Joaquin blackhead

 

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